November 12, 2012

What's really in a name?  Kelly for instance means "warrior woman".  What exactly does that mean?  Is is from ancient times?  Does it mean that I physically fought or is it meant that I am emotionally and psychologically a warrior, that I will fight for whatever it is?  I need answers and it seems the more questions I ask the more that go unanswered.  Is it out of hurting my feelings, because as I've stated I have none left.  I don't want to feel...not ever again.  I want to forever remain emotionless.  I don't want to know hurt, sorrow, joy, happiness, love...I don't want to know any of it.  Fear however; will remain with me for all eternity.  I have embraced it's powerful embrace and now carry it with me where ever I may go.  I long for nothing.  I want for nothing.  I need for nothing.  I have been cast to the side like a piece of trash thrown into the wind for the last time.  I hurt for days, I cried for hours, and now without a tear to shed I walk alone.  Alone into the darkness of a world that I have created for myself.  A very lonely one I might add.  I've had opportunities along the way to change the emptiness I have felt and I have turned my back on all of them, because I knew that the purity of the intentions were not so pure.  Pure with evil, yet not divine purity.  I will continue to walk this narrow path I have created for myself, being certain to put my blinders on so as to not be distracted by any obstacles that may come my way.  I will NOT EVER allow another close enough to hurt me.  That warrior woman I spoke of has laid down her sword and shield and called a truce with loneliness and all of the obscurities it may bring.  It's an eery feeling, knowing that I have created my own misery... therefore; I will refrain from contact with others in order to prevent them from falling prey.  Misery after all, loves company, and I refuse to bring another down with me.  That warrior woman is no longer a warrior but a coward, the fighting has ceased...finally...no more fighting.