July 23, 2017

God damn if I don't see your true colours. Fuck me all over again. This is why I hate people. Just when you think it's safe to tread in shallow water the undertow lashes it's fury at your very soul and takes you down once again. There is no escaping the misery. I have attempted to time and again and to no avail here I lie at the bottom of the blackened abyss alone, cold and scared as I have always been. My skin no longer feels warm to the touch but cold and clammy as if my very soul were emptied. There is no such thing as love. Love isn't love by any means.

Here comes that wave again, full force, no holds barred whatsoever. There is absolutely no way to control it no escaping it's wrath unless of course hurting myself will take away the pain, pain that cannot be seen nor touched but felt. A pain so deep that only the sight of blood eases it's intensity.  There is no good coming of my life any longer if there ever was any good to begin with, nor do I foresee it getting any better any time soon. I am so alone.

July 22, 2017

It seems as though the abyss has once again opened it's gaping hole and pulled me into it's darkness. I am not happy. I have NEVER been happy. I don't hold onto hope or anything of that nature that I will ever be or experience anything like happiness. Fuck this miserable life of mine that I have created all on my own.

July 3, 2017

That moment you realize you are being used, and you try with all of your being to understand where you (I) went wrong. I cannot comprehend any of this. I hurt more today than most in recent weeks. I need to find a way out of here.

April 30, 2017 cont'd

I wish with ALL of my might that I possessed the will to kill myself.

April 30, 2017

The pit I have submerged myself into is seemingly bottemless. I am so uncomfortable in my own skin, I hate breathing. I will never recover from my own misery. According to you and all others', I am zoned into my own delusional, warped self! Am I hurting anyone other than myself ? I don't think so. I have nothing, absolutely nothing in common with anyone, anywhere and I will never fit it.  I am alone even in a room filled with others. Their laughter angers me. I turn it inwards and want to die. I hate being me.  Constantly questioning why it is I am still alive or if in fact I am. How do you define being alive? Is it the act of breathing and just being? I have no identity, I lost that somewhere way back when. A drink would make it all disappear and the urge is intense. The wall I built decades ago has remained intact. I thought I was removing bricks but for some odd reason I am merely reinforcing it. I doubt that I will ever let down my guard, in fact I know I won't. What's the point of taking up perfectly good breathing room if in fact my life is meaningless?! I let thoughts flood my mind and cause me to question EVERYTHING I thought was genuine in my life. When the dust settles and I am able to see clearly for myself that all I thought I had was merely a mirage. How foolish I feel

April 28, 2017

The hardest part is sitting idly by while life passes me by. No job, can't secure employment due to my actions, no license to drive so I feel stuck daily. Emotionally and physically stuck. I have gone above and beyond to secure a place in this thing called 'life'.  I most certainly go OUT OF MY WAY to please everyone else in hopes that at some point I might just fit in somehow, someway...yet to no avail I am ALWAYS left out, left behind, forgotten and the list, well it goes on and on.  There is and never will be a place for me here and it most definitely is painstaking. There is no escaping this destructive misery. I owe it all to myself. I hate life. There is no longer any rhyme or reason to my daily existence, so why do I continue to drag myself in a downward spiral? The emotional pain is overwhelming, daily. I try and escape it and if I dare look over my shoulder, there it is lurking with hardened, beedy eyes waiting to sink it's fangs into flesh that's oh so soft.

April 24, 2017

The remorse is so real. How can I possibly convince you when I am so shattered myself? The pain is surreal.

April 15, 2017

Being invisible makes it all the easier to disappear and never to be a burden to anyone again.

April 14, 2017

24 hours or so they say in a day, then why does it seem the days meld into one long ass day? I have enough on my plate just dealing with the few hours I am sane let alone the balance of the day. Who do I think I'm kidding anyway?! I am beyond repair at this point. I have all I can to bear even breathing. Somehow I manage and yet do I really, or is it I am simply moving in a direction that is completely foreign to me? I can're tolerate my life much longer. I thought I might be able to somehow swindled myself into believing I was worth someone's effort but apparently I was highly mistaken. Fuck this so-called life. It just isn't worth spending anymore of my energy.

April 13, 2017

A non-stop ride without a hitch to hell again. My thoughts are out of control and this wall that I ran into earlier keeps me locked in place so there is no escaping this mind game.  This is going to kill me, literally. I have taken all I can.

April 12, 2017

Should be feeling the warmth of the sun internally as well as externally however; the cold damp place that dwells within has taken all of that away as always. I can't seem to give or do enough for anyone, yet I still try to make you see me. I am invisible now I suppose so I should climb back into the abyss and stay there. It's comfortable.

April 7, 2017

So tired of fucking lies. You throw up on me and think I don't smell the bullshit that follows. So I am not anyone's ideal woman nor will I ever be and at this moment in time I don't give a flying fuck. I have catered to EVERYONE my entire adult life and it should be me who is being pampered however; I am judged, ridiculed, laughed at abandoned, neglected and still expected to fall on my knees and worship the ground you walk on. The only ground I will be walking is the one I am laid beneath. I cannot wait to die. A complete and honest rant of exactly  how I view myself. A nothing or "The Nothing" as in the movie. I can't seem to find any sort of middle ground anymore. I don't laugh or smile for that matter.

April 3, 2017

That overwhelming urge to kill yourself on the spot but a beating calms the thought for a moment. I will NEVER get out of this fucking rutt. I hate everything about myself. I make no one happy. Can't do ANYTHING right for anyone. Just a complete waste of breathing room.

March 26, 2017

Instead of being miserable on a constant basis, I should be grateful. Bullshit! Grateful for what? Oh right, this living, caring, trustworthy relationshit I have been so wonderfully selected to be in. Buahahaha. I may have been born on a Wednesday but it certainly wasn't last fucking Wednesday.  I have cried all day over this shit, added more scars to the elaborate collection already in my possession. Welts that will eventually disappear, if I am once again "lucky". I have almost reached the depths of which I am familiar with in this blackened Abyss that I frequent alone.

March 17 2017

Funny how they buy, buy, treat you like gold until they finally have you then shit changes and YOU (ME) are no longer a prerogative. I just don't matter anymore. I cook, clean, reorganize, take care of your responsibilities and am ignored, shit on, treated like a leper. Fuck this. I am so glad I am not married nor will I ever be. I hate my life. If I could rip my own heart out and eat it I would.

February 25, 2017

I suppose as they say, I harm myself so I don't harm other's! Bullshit! I do that too. I hate who I am, what I am...I hate everything about myself. I can openly and without fear of ridicule express myself here and so I do.  I haven't the ability to express to ANYONE how I truly feel about them. I am non expressive emotionless, heartless, perhaps even selfish or so I've been told that as well. I do absolutely NOTHING for myself and yet I still feel as empty as the day before. I guess I want for too much. I don't ask and when asked I want nothing still. I feel like an empty shell of a person, hollow. I can cry for hours or days without a problem and just when I think that I've shed my final rear here it comes again.

February 24, 2017

I am not even living, I am just existing and frankly it fucking sucks. It's becoming worse by the hour. No friends, no way to get out and make an attempt even though I never would in the first place.  Lies that I have been told, promises that have been broken, plans that were made are all empty. Empty like me! I have no compassion, no love, no empathy whatsoever if I ever had to begin with, it's been drained from my soul, if I had one of those to begin with as well. I wish this miserable life would pass me by already. I am so fucking sick and tired of being alone, feeling alone. I am serving absolutely no purpose. Empty space is all I create. This life is bullshit. This emptiness is burying me. Am I delusional as everyone says? Is my sense of self warped like I've been told over and over again? I no longer have an identity, I just am, what am I? I haven't a clue anymore. I thought I used to know, I thought I had some sort of a dream, I guess I thought too highly of my own self so I believe it's safe to say that "I AM DELUSIONAL AND MY SENSE OF SELF IS THOROUGHLY WARPED", why should I then struggle if I am merely taking up space?  I don't even think clearly anymore. I can't seem to sort through thoughts in order to get them down. I wish just once I belonged somewhere, somehow. Here is another thought...if I wasn't such a fucking chicken I would most definitely... Just wonder off somewhere and die. That is what I deserve. To be physically alone is a struggle in itself let alone feeling alone no matter where I go or who I am surrounded by. I don't even feel comfortable in my own skin, I wish I could tear it off like a savage beast and bash it against a rock.

February 11, 2017 (cont'd)

Some hearts are broken and mended, others are shattered and torn, although it was never intended, for love is eternally sworn, I've cried and prayed and pleaded, for love to hold his ground, hope was all I needed and pain was all I found.

February 11, 2017

It most certainly is one thing to be alone as opposed to being in the company of other people and feeling alone. It is such a heartwrenching, aching feeling of utter emptiness. No matter how hard one tries to be in the moment, thoughts convey otherwise deceitful memories that distort every other ideal I may have once had. I am not even certain I made an ounce of sense however, my thoughts are so all over the place I cannot seem to make heads or tails of any of them. Loneliness has become the new 'norm', as well as seclusion. When will I be able to let these empty feelings alone. When will I trust without hesitation? When?

February 10, 2017

So I do believe that I have finally reached the end of the rope. The knot I had once tied has come completely undone and the rope itself is frayed so there is no use in attempting to tie another to hold onto. The laughs are ALL on me AGAIN.  I have no tears to shed, no more jealousy, nothing, absolutely nothing. I feel nothing. I have become numb, almost numb. Tears still flow, what the fuck? Apparently it hurts more than I want and I feel more than I should.

February 8, 2017

Apparently I am just not good enough and never will be. Society has created liars, cheaters, manipulative fucks and I am sick to my stomach literally over this. It is time to just give up completely. I haven't the mental capacity to endure this shit anymore yet I find myself pleading and begging for yet another chance to prove my own worth and for what? Where the fuck have I gone wrong? Why is it that I can't seem to see my own nose in spight of my face? Why must I continuously torture myself? Why do I fight for attention? Why am I fucking breathing? FUCK ME!!!!

February 7, 2017

How foolish and gullible can one individual be? I am here to tell you that it goes well beyond belief. I cater to everyone but myself and am still left to fend for myself. I hope whatever it is you found embraces you til death. I could go on with hateful words however; to exert that much of my own energy on anyone but myself any longer is pointless. No good will ever come of this, it was and is all a huge misunderstanding of emotionless solitude.

January 28, 2017

I have spent so much time in the darkness of my own abyss that I am terrified to peak my head above the wall to see the sunlight. Does that make any sense?

January 24, 2017

I know DEPRESSION can torment a person however; I didn't know that it could last for years. I thought I had sunk to an all-time low before, little did I know that, that was merely the beginning of the abyss I frequent. The cold and darkness here is slowly killing me. I have sought out help, screamed for help, reached for hands that were no longer extended only to slip further into my own demise. The negatives have taken over any hopes of regaining a positive attitude.

January 23, 2017

If burls can be dug out of solid ground, drug through the mud and finally polished to perfection.....can the same be done with an individual? I mean, come on now haven't I put myself through enough? I wouldn't mind shining like a burl that was once hidden and buried.

January 12, 2017

So I suppose all that I complain about has been brought on by none other than myself. Why is that? Some would think that I've tortured myself long enough but somehow it never seems enough. I made a move thinking I could escape myself and start fresh. Little did I know how much more I would be punishing myself, no job, no friends. I have family all over but they have their own lives to live and respectfully so. Why is it that what I want out of life never seems to come to fruition? It isn't sabatoge, it isn't because I don't want to be happy because I do. I want to belong somehow, somewhere, someway.  I guess I want what all those fairy tales promised.

January 11, 2017

I have not felt this alone surrounded by people in quite some time. It is the ultimate uncomfortable feeling. I'm almost afraid to move, breathe and all else. I'm on the edge again. Just fucking push me and I will finally be free. No more worrying whether I disappoint other's or what have you. The constant pointing of fingers and condescending tones, belittling and disrespect has come full circle once again. I knew I would never measure up, I knew I would never amount to anything. I am here for the sole purpose of cleaning and reorganizing and even that isn't enough. When the fuck will it be my turn. When will I finally come first? When will I feel comfort and security? Why do I find myself constantly begging when I know I'm not worth anything? This is where my life has taken me. Back to the "Good Ship Misery", I need to simply face the truth and realize that I will not ever be good enough. I know I am moody and unstable but who wouldn't be after all I am a prisoner within my own mind and these walls. I thought if I gave enough it would be just that, enough. Apparently I was wrong as I always am. I wish I had the ability to turn myself inside out so that those of you who have so willingly and freely scarred my soul can visualize it all for yourselves. I truly wish I knew what I did so wrong to deserve such. Where did I go wrong in life? I truly wish that I were not here, it's too painful anymore and I don't have the ability to control my emotions let alone have the strength to carry on much longer. It hurts so bad every single day. I try to mask the pain with a partial smile and somehow that smile never seems to shine through. Happiness? True happiness? I will never know that.

Standing in the Cold

"Standing in the cold, dark bathroom, she hacked into her wrist with a razor blade and quietly stared at the blood that flowed from the cut. She told herself she was a bad person and deserved the pain.
A part of her felt reassured by the sight of the blood – it showed she was alive – since she felt so dead and empty inside. As she stared at her image in the bathroom mirror, she thought, “I have no idea who that person is staring back at me.” Author Unknown

January 7, 2017

I suppose I am reaping what I have sewn. I am getting it paid forward and whatever other cliches fill in the gaps. I thought I could find happiness before I die however; it seems the wool has been pulled over my own eyes this time. What a complete ducking fool I must be to think that for one moment in time I deserved and sort of happiness.  I will delve into my own self pity now because I know I can depend on it. Always had hope that one day I just might be worthy enough.  Just when I thought it was safe to merely tread in the shallow depths of the water, I succumb to the evil that lay beneath it's surface. Unbeknownst to me the evil that lies low are those that I am familiar with. I should have know but I took a leap of 'faith' and looked the other way as I have always done and will probably always do. I should at this point in time just kick my own ass and rightfully so. I deserve that much!

January 6, 2017

Is it possible to TRULY "LOVE" another after your first true love has been lost? I have been racking my brain all day with this question and have no more of an answer than when I first woke.

January 5, 2017

BPD, BDD, GAD, MANIC DEPRESSION, BULIMIA...is there more to life than living in this shell of stigmatic diagnosis?

January 4, 2017

The fight within continues...I struggle daily to move forward within and without and yet I see no signs of light at the end of ANY tunnel. It's a hopeless (or so it seems) battle and there has yet to be seen a winning streak. The scars are internal and external. Clearly I can manage one last attempt.