January 11, 2017

I have not felt this alone surrounded by people in quite some time. It is the ultimate uncomfortable feeling. I'm almost afraid to move, breathe and all else. I'm on the edge again. Just fucking push me and I will finally be free. No more worrying whether I disappoint other's or what have you. The constant pointing of fingers and condescending tones, belittling and disrespect has come full circle once again. I knew I would never measure up, I knew I would never amount to anything. I am here for the sole purpose of cleaning and reorganizing and even that isn't enough. When the fuck will it be my turn. When will I finally come first? When will I feel comfort and security? Why do I find myself constantly begging when I know I'm not worth anything? This is where my life has taken me. Back to the "Good Ship Misery", I need to simply face the truth and realize that I will not ever be good enough. I know I am moody and unstable but who wouldn't be after all I am a prisoner within my own mind and these walls. I thought if I gave enough it would be just that, enough. Apparently I was wrong as I always am. I wish I had the ability to turn myself inside out so that those of you who have so willingly and freely scarred my soul can visualize it all for yourselves. I truly wish I knew what I did so wrong to deserve such. Where did I go wrong in life? I truly wish that I were not here, it's too painful anymore and I don't have the ability to control my emotions let alone have the strength to carry on much longer. It hurts so bad every single day. I try to mask the pain with a partial smile and somehow that smile never seems to shine through. Happiness? True happiness? I will never know that.