July 30, 2010

So goes by another month as quickly as the last and those before that one. It used to seem that time stood still and yet continued to move ahead at a rather slow and agonizing pace, but that's not the case any longer. The days are seemingly endless while the sun is shining, and when the night creeps up on me, it's as though the darkness takes over my soul, (if that makes the least bit of sense) consuming me completely in it's grasp, the unknowing, or the nothingness takes hold of me and drags me to depths I thought I'd never encounter again, yet it's there, calling out my name, screaming to me, wanting me to fall to my knees and give in to the girl I once was. I wonder some days if I'll have the strength to make it through, to close my eyes long enough to envision what it is I dream of...I know it's there, somewhere, but where? I hear the voices of other's telling me to hold on to my dreams, telling me I have the strength of a thousand men. I'll agree my shoulders are broad, but only to hold myself up physically.

July 28, 2010

It's seems as though every single living soul is looking for a hand out...well put your damn hands back in your fucking pockets, cause this chick is done giving. All I have left is absolutely nothing, I am so fucking sick and tired of being shit on by others' I cannot endure one more day of this crap. I want to scream...just leave me the fuck alone...for God's sake leave me alone. Find someone else to blame for YOUR shortcomings cause I am not the one.

July 27, 2010

I realized just this very morning that for every tear I shed one memory is lost...be it good, bad or indifferent, it really doesn't matter much because shedding tears is just one of many wonderful characteristics that makes me who I am. I laugh, I cry...I'm scared, Icry...I'm angry, I cry...no matter the circumstance I will in some way, shape and/or form shed a few tears. I've been told I treat people like shit, especially the ones' closest to me, well here's a little tid bit, if you weren't such a horses ass I wouldn't. Grow the f@#$ up already, I have no room in my life for bullshit, horseshit, cowshit, none of 'em, so get over yourselves. Enough is enough, and by GOD I've had just about all I can endure for this lifetime. THIS LIFE IS A TEST, THIS LIFE IS ONLY A TEST...what exactly does that mean? I'll tell you I've passed, I have passed, I've fallen down and been kicked whilst down there, I've picked myself up, brushed myself off so many times I becoming caloused so to speak, I will not allow others' to kick me while I'm down any longer, so find another victim, I will not be yours, theirs, his, or hers', not today, tomorrow not ever. I've decided to take the straight and narrow road this time, the one overgrown with emotion, I can handle it now, it may seem lonely at times' but I need this...I need this now more than ever. I am rekindling a relationship with myself, discovering new and wonderful qualities I once thought lost amongst the rest of the debry...I was lost but now am found....

July 21, 2010

Today has been one of the most liberating of all days thus far, I can't explain why, but I feel as though a brick (a life time of bricks) has been lifted off of my shoulders and now I have no where to turn but in the right direction. I have allowed myself to feel completely oppressed for so many years, not knowing who I was I think was the most evil of all demons. I find myself thinking more clearly than ever. I know that today is only that...today...so for today I feel wonderful. Step on my toes all you want, I'm just going to push you right the hell out of my way, because no one, nothing, not a single morsel of anyone's being will block my path, just for today.

July 20, 2010

Talk about trying my patience and my strength...asking simple questions apparently are not acceptable to some. It is what it is I presume, I am no longer going to allow others' to make me feel less than, I can do that all on my own, and yet I still allow them to manipulate and kick me while I'm down. The world does not REVOLVE around ONLY YOU! I'm living proof that it doesn't and so are the billions of others' occupying this green earth as well. What the fuck is going on? Why do people insist on shitting on others', I have my reasons, and I can stand behind them if anyone needs to question me. I'm not saying that I have an answer for everything because if in fact I did, I would not be letting it all out here for all to view. Obviously another day for ranting because my thoughts are not in chronological order nor are they complete thoughts, little pieces here and there and I, for some reason cannot put them in the order they belong. If I had the ability to, financially, emotionally, physically (okay complete ability) I would not be sitting here typing a single word, not a stroke of the key would sound off and echo in my head. I need an escape, I need change for real, not simple change, I need, I WANT to move on and move forward, but something is holding me back and I hate whatever it is, don't you think that if I could place my finger on it I would. I'll answer that one for myself, HELL YES I would.

July 19, 2010

Such a doldrum day, is this why they say sitting and stewing in your own shit? I think not, I'll clue you all in on a lil' secret...the attacks from others' the holes that have been dug so deep its' a heart wrenching hurt, the accusations thrown and the fingers constantly pointed are what makes us think we are sitting and stewing when all I am really doing is weighing the pros and cons at this very moment and every moment here on out. I have reached my limit, seriously, and I know everyone thinks, yea right you've said that before, or perhaps that I'm bullshitting them, you know feeding a line, hook without the sinker...FUCK!!! Not this fucking time, this is for real, I am standing on the edge just waiting for that last and final push, cuz there's no one other than me standing there, so I either jump or take a step back huh? I just want black and white, on a piece of paper, hand written. Please!? Here I am all by myself, finally, at last...pushing these thoughts through my mind as quickly as they appear. I don't want to think them, better yet I don't want to think at all anymore, it's too time consuming and extremely confusing most times. I know what it is I need to do in order to maintain my sanity if there's even a morsel of that left, or did I allow others' to take that too? Hmmm...simple questions, with complex answers, not what I'm looking for either. FUCK ME! Shouldn't have to be this way, so then why am I allowing myself to fall through the cracks and lower my standards and allow others' to dictate how I feel, live, laugh and love?

July 17, 2010

If I lose sight of what I left behind I will never see what lies ahead, is that right?

Author Unknown

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside of you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you from the inside out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you- and-rips-you-apart pain. I HATE LOVE."

July 16, 2010

Why oh why does everything have to be so "cut and dry" and what the hell does that mean anyway, and while I'm here who the hell cares. I'm going to do things my way, like it or not, and if I just so happen to step on a few toes along the way, well...""GET THE HELL OUTTA MY WAY", you all didn't give a shit before you met me so why the hell care now, and besides your damn toes will heal, the pain will subside, and you will be just fine. Unlike me, enduring a life time (so it seems) of bullshit I handed myself, man I tell you what, I am so effin tired of it. Today...I am in a great mood, full of energy (spunk if you like) and no one is taking this feeling away from me today, so deal with it, enough of that bull sh*t, on to something new, hmmm what though? Here it is...addictive personalities; what exactly are we talking about here? I'll tell you what I think because I sincerely believe I most definitely possess the traits that qualify me as having addictive personalities. I go from one extreme to the other for instance, right now (okay maybe starting again) I've been working out like a fanatic perhaps even a lunatic (I really could go for a good workout right now) replaced the inner tubes in the bike and it's a turning point...(woo hoo freedom) I am getting me back, it's a lot of hard work, sweat and painful to say the least, but I'm doing this for me not you or you or you, not anyone just me, and it feels so good, my energy levels after a hard, sweat dripping workout are sky rocketed, and I just feel wonderful. I'm not going to age gracefully because I'm not going to age at all damn...I don't wanna grow up, it seems the older I get the less fun I have so from this day forward I intend to enjoy every moment of me, yeah I said that.

July 15, 2010

It seems as though out of the woodwork they all come, from different angles and at the oddest hours of the day, but dealing with my past and those damn skeletons that I've allowed to control me is the most difficult. I have some faith and a minuscule amount of strength left over from the days before and hope that it will be enough to carry me through all that I know I am about to endure. I am not trying to "sugar coat" (as they say) what's been done, because it's been told to me by those closest that perhaps (and I do wonder) this and all that I've experienced is a "BLESSING IN DISGUISE". I often wondered how the hell can a bad experience or for that matter a life time of bad choices be a blessing in disguise, but when I actually take the time to sit and reflect on the paths I've chosen I realize now that DAMN right they are all blessings. I've learned from each and everyone of 'em. I always thought that blaming others' was the answer and pointing the finger would ease the pain, but I need to realize that I am the only one that can conquer and bury the past. DAMN skeletons scare the shit out of me too, I tell ya'.

July 13, 2010

So the past few days have been extremely trying, I tried to keep my composure and tried hard as hell to be civil to those I don't have the desire to communicate with. I really have nothing to "write home about" per say, but nonetheless have been neglecting my blog, so I decided that something is better than nothing. Tomorrow is a new day and I am looking forward to it.

July 10, 2010

It's not about me being powerless it's about making the right choices and as far as I can see the choices that I've made thus far are not by any means the "RIGHT" ones. I've searched high and low and come to road blocks one too many times. I'm tired of stumbling over my own damn feet, I'm tired of others' thinking they know the answers to my problems, and most of those problems YES have been brought on by myself, nonetheless they've been a learning experience for me, be it for the better or not, a learning experience nonetheless. I sit myself in complete misery most days, and for a split second in time I find joy, then it's gone. I want more of that joy, more of the laughter, more of life. I realize that GOD has given me more than my fair share of his saving grace because without that saving grace I don't know where I'd be this very moment, and for that, YES I am the most grateful girl (women). I sit at work every Saturday in hopes of having that revelation everyone always speaks of but still have yet to experience such empowering greatness I presume. I try to laugh at myself, okay I don't actually laugh at myself, I'm disgusted with myself and the turn of events that has brought me where I am today, however; if I look at it through different light, I should also be grateful that I've experienced all that I have. I doubt I'd be as insightful, and/or forgiving of all others including myself, but I do know I beat myself up the most, constantly actually. I've been told I'm a liar, a cheat, selfish, uncaring, inconsiderate of others, I may be all of those and more including delusional (sometimes) but I just don't see that. I see myself as being selfless, and extremely giving, the one that never says no, always lending a helping hand of some sort and when I needed it most, where was it to be found. I'll tell you where, within myself, I look to myself for strength, but most of all I look towards my best-friend, she is my rock, I rest on her and feel safe, I feel the heat beating down on me from her as if GOD were telling me to absorb her into me, and that may seem selfish, but strength is what I used to be known for, I don't feel it any longer, so if I take more than what I deserve, I apologize in advance, but I need to feel secure and strong within myself right now, NOW more than ever.

July 7, 2010

So I presume that every day is going to be a struggle, but I need to realize that I MUST (not an option) remove myself from dangerous situations, by that I mean staying away from people, place and/or things that encourage and enable me to feel so low that I have no where else to turn but the bottle. The heat is overwhelming and it seems as though there is absolutely no escaping it as well as myself, if that makes the least bit of damn sense? Who am I to judge myself or anyone else for that matter? I am only human and I definitely do make mistakes, probably more so than the average person, but there's always a lesson to be learned, and I'll be damned if I'm not learning. Learning to crawl that is...those damn baby steps are the freakin' worst, I keep stumbling and walking into damn walls. Tomorrow is a new day and I plan on keeping my focus, I need to if not for myself but for my children, then when I feel strong enough to let go of the hands that help me I will ( I know I will) walk on my own two feet. Finally, I'm seeing people for who they are, not what I perceived them to be, it's as though the skin has been peeled back and I am seeing for the very first time, their true identities. GROSS! It's me that needs to have the skin peeled back.

July 6, 2010

I have been pondering thoughts I deemed unimaginable (in the past) for quite some time now, and even so, more clearly than previously thought or so it seems. I'm an adult and I expect to be treated as such, nothing less and nothing more. I want an adult relationship and all that comes with it, not only the added responsibility of care taking (which I do oh so well) but the quirks that are supposed to be apart of that. It's tiresome getting up and going to work, knowing that I'll be stretching this weeks paycheck once again, because I depend solely on myself these days, there is no one else for me to depend on, perhaps at one point in time I thought so, but reality slammed the damn door in my face and left an imprint, and I'm trying to smooth that out as well. It's taking me some time but I know eventually I will be able to look back on all of this and realize that this too was a stepping stone, one that which I needed to work through. I am still struggling, hoping that one day I will find acceptance in the eyes of others', I've been too vulnerable, exposing myself to the whims of others for too damn long and it's taken it's toll on me. What is it that I do for myself? I know I would drink, I go without so that others' can have, I sacrifice my time and my well spent energy trying to make sense out of the senseless. Why do I even bother any more, kindness is not the cure, and I don't want it. I want to grow, I want to sprout and eventually branch out of what I've know for so long. F@#$!!!!! I want security and I want love and acceptance, I want to be able to be me, to laugh a little, to cry a little, I need to be allowed to expose myself without the fear of being ridiculed and looked down upon. Yes as a matter of factly speaking I want it all and I know that I can have it. I deserve this. I DO DESERVE HAPPINESS, the Happily Ever After happiness. Sometimes I try to put myself in the shoes of others' and realize, " what the f@#$ am I doing?" I have no business trying to walk in someone elses' shoes, I need to keep mine on and I need to keep moving, because if I slow down the least bit, I know I'll trip and fall. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. My eyes are wide open got it? I'm not tripping up, I'm not slowing down, and I am certainly not holding onto the hands of those that don't want me to move forward. It's a beautiful day and I plan on breathing it in, completely. As my youngest daughter says constantly, "life isn't measured by the breathes we take, but by the moments that take our breathe away." So I am anxiously awaiting those moments that do indeed take my breathe away, I want to be left gasping for air for no other reason than complete and utter happiness.

July 3, 2010

On my way into work this morning, while being chauffeured (factually speaking) I decided that it was the perfect time to let go of my fears and open my mouth, finally say what I've been holding onto (not that I hold onto much), and thinking that, if in the event I may or may not say something to hurt the one or ones' I am directing conversation or confrontation at, so be it. I will not be held responsible nor will I be held accountable for anyone else's actions or lack there of. I am accountable and responsible for myself and my children that's it, and I am going to make certain that first and foremost I am happy with myself, with life in general, because I haven't been happy and perhaps I don't know how to do "happy", or be "happy", but I'll be damned if I don't give it a shot. So from this moment on I am going to make KELLY happy, I am going to enjoy life, not sit stagnant while life passes me by. I have, so I've said before, begged and held the hands of others' for too long, now it's my turn...I'm holding my own hand and guiding myself in the right direction. It may seem as though I'm being callous once again but in order for me to take a step forward I need to confront those damn skeletons that have made homes in my backyard, I'm digging them up one at a time, and telling them exactly what I think of them and exactly where it is they belong, because they are no longer mine. I don't want them and I certainly don't need them. I need to learn to let go of my past, something I've struggled with since a young teen, and you know the funny thing is I've often thought I've gotten over an ordeal, but when I turn the corner and the damn thing is sitting in my pathway, I haven't had the strength to step over it or walk around yet hit it straight on, and allow the shit to pile up all over again. I'm done, I'm letting go, slowly learning to deal with that crap; so I call it, and move forward, because I don't envision myself turning around ever again.

July 2, 2010

So begins a "Holiday" weekend, a holiday for whom and for what, so many have forgotten, however; that has nothing to do with me at the present moment. It's only a moment in time that I take each and every single day to jot down my own thoughts, and express myself without fear of being judged by others by opening my mouth and inserting my own damn foot. I guess what I'm trying to convince myself of is that I know fireworks are awesome and parades before the fireworks are even better it's a matter of principal I'm tellin' ya. I'm not saying I wouldn't love to crack open an ice cold beer sit next to a raging fire with my feet up and just dive into the moment, but what I need to say is that I don't want to crack open that damn beer, because one just won't be enough, and the next thing ya know is I'm sitting or lying on the ground passed out, not me, NO NOT ME. I will enjoy the weekend in it's entirety the way it should be enjoyed with my friends and family (hmmm). I believe I'm slowly gaining strength through my weaknesses if that makes the least bit of sense, and to be perfectly honest it really doesn't matter if it makes sense to anyone other than myself. I know where I've been and for how long I was there I also know where it is I need to be. Just taking those damn "BABY" steps sucks a**, and that is a given.

July 1, 2010

I suppose I should say I woke up refreshed, but why lie when in fact when I opened my eyes this morning, it was with complete and utter disgust. I was disgusted with myself, with my dreams, I always had high aspirations for myself and of myself, somehow I let them dwindle by the wayside, go figure. I do know that each day I am presented with a new challenge, and new beginning, HELL it's a fresh start, what was I thinking. I walk fairly regularly during my lunch hour with a co-worker and we use each other to vent, I don't think I've expressed my gratitude towards her, I can only hope that if and when she reads this she will know that I greatly appreciate her as an individual as well as a "FRIEND". I learn more about myself (my true self, the one I lost too many years ago) and strange as it may seem I can honestly say I have absolutely no f@#$ing idea who the hell I am anymore, or did I to begin with. I hold onto the past when it has no bearing on the present nor the future for that matter, but I've always been told as I've stated before, that if I forget, I'm doomed to repeat, and perhaps in the past I threw that by the wayside as well, because I'll be damned if I'm repeating this life, "HELL NO"!!! If this life and/or maybe the next is a test "HELLO?", did I f@#$ing pass? I thought I was emotionally, physically and psychologically drained before, but I'll tell you this much, NO I WAS NOT, I am exhausted, my mind doesn't stop wandering, what the hell is that? I am for certain taking each day as it comes, and attempting to live them as if it were my last.