Lost...

I have lost sight of my hopes, dreams, ambitions and desires and have turned all inward in absolute fear. I fear failure, success. I fear love and hate. I fear freedom and imprisonment. I fear for my children, my friends and my enemies. I fear for myself. I sob uncontrollably, in spurts, daily because fear has torn my flesh and feeds off of wounds that I thought were healing. It won't allow me to move forward, as hard as I try to ward it off, it fights that much harder to hold me prisoner. I am so sick of being held hostage. I know what path I must chose, and making a choice between hells fury and absolute happiness scares me. For every step forward I see that I take three steps back, and it's the fear of not knowing what lies ahead that causes me to stumble and fall backwards. I should have been hatched, because I feel like a chicken. I admit openly to all who inquire, that I am scared of living and dying, and the unknown. How do I overcome this fear then? I have tried self-help, therapy, medication (prescribed), drugs and alcohol, then take all of that away and I am in the raw. R.A.W.(recovery at work). How much longer, and how much more am I to endure before I feel at ease, some sort of peace within? I'm scared and alone right now. There are others' around me, but none to whom I would confide. I am afraid to trust another with my fears, my hopes, my whatever, I am afraid. DAMN! I am that lost soul that I hear so often referred to. I am trying to find my way, but there are so many obstacles, and I haven't much strength if any left to maneuver my way around them. Tomorrow will be another new day, as for this one, I need to put it to rest, I need to focus on something other than what lies in my subconscious and take a few baby steps, in either direction because I haven't a clue which it will be.