I’ve stepped out from behind the barriers that I’ve
strategically placed before me, for a glimpse (only a glimpse) of what could
be, and what I thought was; is merely a figment of my imagination and a
deceitfully vivid one if I may say so myself.
I must and I reiterate that I
MUST not settle into another day filled with “what ifs” and “if only’”. I’m afraid to ask for and not accept anything
less than; for fear takes hold and I resume my place behind my wall of
nonexistence. I’ve given up for so long,
and settled for less than what my heart desires too many times. I can express myself in writing, so why is it
that I don’t possess the ability to do so with words? I’ll tell you why, because; I HAVE NOT EVER GOTTEN ANYTHING MY HEART
DESIRES! Feelings of worthlessness and unworthiness abound, and the longer
they linger the more intense the fear of facing reality becomes. It’s inexcusable to say the least and I
settle for that as well. I allow fear to
dictate once again as I stand on the sidelines dreaming of a day that will
never come to pass. F@#*!!!!! Why it that some get all of their hearts
desires and others, well; we just observe with a watchful eye. My heart aches. I’m so tired of picking up the pieces of
myself that I’ve allowed others’ to throw out.
I can’t escape my thoughts some days, and it seems that TODAY is one of
those days. I want a “Happily Ever
After” too. If it seems that my thoughts
are scattered less than organized, well, that’s because they are. I sense a thought and it becomes words thrown
down in no particular order. It all
makes perfect sense to me. Then when I
feel I’m at my best, loneliness begins to set in. I could be in a crowded room and feel as if I
am the only one standing there. It’s as
if I’m lost again, I know the direction I need to go in order to find what I
set out to, yet, something holds me back.
DAMN!!
ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!
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