Quick fixes, easy money, mind over matter…is it all really
as easy as pie? I’d like to think so,
but for some odd reason or another, my own mind tells me it’s not so. I wince, I cry, I beg and plead, and yet I
seem to be standing still. Moving
forward seems almost impossible some days, yet I trudge…trudge one half of a
step at a time and more often than not it’s in reverse. I have fallen and picked myself up so many
fucking times that my ass is calloused; my knees are numb as is my entire
being. I have been through or as so many
say, put myself through the wringer so many times that it’s on auto pilot. Who do I turn to when I need comforting, or a
shoulder to cry on, someone to tell me that all will be okay? I’ll tell you who! I turn to no one. I have myself and myself only to place blame,
to comfort, to lean on… Sure I have family who ‘help’ me out of some
situations, yet where are they when I’ve hit bottom, when I need to be pulled
to my feet again, when I’m in such emotional pain that my heart feels as if it
will explode. I hear the same old shit
from the same fucking mouths, “you made your bed”, or the conversation is
completely twisted and now it’s ALL about them, as usual. Do I ask too much? I wonder if I truly have a place to fit in,
even if in the cracks or shadows. The
anxiety builds, and then I panic and panic more. Anger begins to set in and the whirlwind of
emotions that cannot be controlled come full circle and I push people
away. I push them so far that the future
holds no hope. What I once dreamed of is
now nonexistent. Saddening to actually
realize that I do such horrific things to those I cherish. It’s so frustrating, my mind doesn’t allow me
to put anything in order any longer, and it’s a mess as am I. A deaf ear hears my cries more than anyone else
could ever. Whoever said this was going to be easy can “KISS MY ASS!” It’s an
overindulgence so to speak, the beginning of an emotional burn-out as well as
overhaul.
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