August 22, 2012

The time is nearing when I will have to make a life changing decision...it's probably already passed me by and I've been procrastinating so much so that I'm making things more difficult than they need be.  I acknowledge TODAY that I, may not be the most glamorous, the most positively influential individual, nor is my head screwed on entirely however; I know that I love, I long to be loved and nourished just as a seedling must be tended to.  I don't feel nourished yet abandoned, not only by others' but myself.  Questions lie dormant and unanswered, I fear today, tomorrow and what ever else follows. I walk on eggshells constantly, wondering if the words coming out of my mouth are going to offend another, and yet, I still let those same words flow past my lips, and cringe with fear, hoping that I haven't crossed over any boundaries.  I argue with myself, and others' almost daily.  What starts out as a seemingly wonderful day almost always turns into some sort of hell.  I do not possess the ability to let go of otherwise meaningless comments or gestures.  I hold onto everything as if it were the last drop of water in sight. I suppose I am the poster child for holding onto resentments, as hard as I try to forgive and forget, they somehow manage to adhere to the most secretive of hiding places in my mind.  I have lost all ability to tolerate any form of insincerity when dealing with others. I see past the metaphorical masks and my stomach curdles with disgust.  I have on many occasion gone above and beyond my own personal call of duty to aid others',  I have set aside my feelings, hopes, desires and needs to pacify others' as well.  Why do I constantly feel the need to accept less than my heart desires?  Am I not deserving? Have I stooped to a level so low that I no longer want, need or desire anything but the basics?  WHEN?  WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN?