August 24, 2012

I have allowed myself to tread water (figuratively) without a life preserver, for a very long time.  I thought that I had learned every lesson there was to be learned. I do not possess the emotional strength to continuously pull myself up only to be pushed back down.  The bridge to communication has been vacated. There have been roadblocks in place for some time now, and I, for one reason or another have not taken notice, even though these blocks have been and continue to be quite visible, even to the naked eye.  Why one might ask?  Hmm... FEAR! I'm afraid.  I usually hit these roadblocks head on and just accept things for what they are even if I feel in my gut that there is something there well worth fighting for.  I have sat watching my hopes, dreams and desires leap in desperation off of that bridge, the one I am no longer willing to mend.  I am turning my back on all that I dreamt, desired, hoped and replacing each brick, one by one.  I have allowed pain and suffering to become a part of me, and my heart can no longer be mended, it has been shredded multiple times.  I will not pick up the pieces, not ever again.  My name after all is “Kelly”, I am not a doormat, better yet I am not your doormat, nor anyone else’s’ for that fucking matter. I deserve to be treated as if I am equal to not less than, that my opinion matters, that I fucking matter.  I FUCKING MATTER.  I HAVE FEELINGS TOO! I HURT (maybe more so than others’ or perhaps I bring that shit on myself as well), but I HURT nonetheless. I struggle daily too.  I am constantly battling within myself to maintain.  Maintain what exactly; well I haven’t a fucking clue.  FUCK!!!!!  I’m creating a river of frustration as I sit here and tap these keys with fierce intent.  If only I could toss all of those years of abuse and neglect downstream, knowing they will NOT EVER return.  If only I could make others’ see that I am not at all a strong woman, but a woman who needs; love, compassion and respect.  I want to know what it’s like to have another stand up for me, to fight for me, to cry uncontrollably at the mere thought of losing me. I really do want, not for too much, nothing that I ever thought was unattainable, but a sincere want.  Am I just fooling myself or are these things possible, do I expect too much?  I don't believe so.  I don't ask for a thing, nothing for that matter, I've given up on asking, it just leads to absolute disappointment.