August 9, 2011

As I sit here typing I can't help but wonder.  I wonder what your thinking, what your doing, where you are, and then I realize that I am right here, right now.  You are where you need to be for this moment as well.  I have no need to project, because when I do, "Watch out!" It's as though I projectile vomit in directions that I have absolutely no control over. Something takes hold of me, and it has the strength of a thousand men, maybe more. It pins me up against a wall (perhaps the same wall I've been pinned against before) and literally devours every positive notion I thought I might have possessed.  I struggle, fight, kick and scream, but I stand alone while this thing, this entity consumes my soul, and sucks the life out of me.  Finally, yes...FINALLY, I have some clarity.  I see it.  I smell it.  I taste it's fear.  It's not my fear, not any longer, it fears me, because it knows that I am growing stronger, and I now possess the strength of those thousand men.  I am no longer weak, feeble minded, nor am I YOUR VICTIM!  I AM NO LONGER YOUR VICTIM!  I'm saying this for all the world to see, to hear.  I am embodying all that I once was, many years ago, and putting my foot down this last time.  I need to say it aloud, "I AM NOT A VICTIM!"  My name is Kelly, and you can no longer reside within my soul, you no longer have the ability to control my thoughts, my actions, my reactions or my emotions. I AM IN CONTROL NOW!  Thank you to the one who has shed the most light on me, thank you to the ones' who have stood by me, and thank you GOD, for giving me a fighting chance.  Thank you GOD, for allowing me this opportunity to see, to taste, to touch, to feel, to love once again.  THANK YOU GOD!  I know that I am loved,  do you?  Do you feel Love?  Can you taste Love?  Can you touch Love? Will you allow me to trudge that lonely road with you?  I will hold your hand for a while, but you heart?  Your heart I will hold forever.