August 7, 2011

Is it a delusion that I create in my own mind, creating a fantasy that doesn't exist but in my fucking mind.  Where I'm genuinely happy, and I can share thoughts, and dreams, hopes and aspirations with another.  What foolish girl thinks such foolish thoughts?  I'll tell you what girl.  This one, this one does.  I thought that by setting aside the drinking life would be wonderful and full of life.  Life full of life?  What is that?  Is that a cliche?  Does happiness, true happiness exist?  Can I overcome the past in order to live a life that is full of that?  Life?  I want a life that's filled with love and happiness, an open line of communication, honesty, trust, TRUST. That's exactly what I seek, I have that, I have that right this very moment, and if I don't let go, I'm going to lose what I've searched my entire life for. My mind is scrambled therefore these words are going to be as well, I can't make sense of anything, I'm confused, so very confused. I feel lost and alone again.  Why again?  Hmmph...Stupid question Kelly!  I do it to myself.   I feel like I'm an infectious disease, and I'm highly contagious, don't get too close I may kill a part of your soul.  I've tried and tried, so many times, so many different ways to overcome, to push out of my subconscious the negativity, and those sons of bitches beat me every time.  I haven't a chance in hell against something so powerful, unless....UNLESS....there is a solution.  If I could scream on the top of my lungs until my breathe ran out, and I was lifeless I would.  In order to rid myself of all of my past, every bit of it, I would indeed sell my soul for a nickle perhaps less, not to SATAN, no way, to another, the one that constantly ridicules me, laughs, continues to rip me to shreds, that's the one.  How's this....GO FUCK YOURSELF!  I'm over it, I'm done, fuck the past, give my shit to the next one in line, I don't want it, you can all have it, you deal with it because I am done.  I'm done, did you hear me?  I"M DONE!!!!!!!!!I am turning all of it over to you GOD, take care of it for me will ya?    Kelly