August 7, 2011

The past few days have been unbearable to say the least emotionally that is...the tears that fell from my eyes were tears of frustration and pain, fear and more fear.  Knowing I have to face what I don't want to. I have worn myself out physically from scars of my past creeping up and thinking that it's okay once again to take over my soul.  I spoke about this earlier, and have come to the conclusion that "YES" you are right, I do need to rid myself of that "SHIT" that I call a past, not all of it was horrid, yet most of it I believed for so long I deserved.  It controls me, and I'm done allowing mere thoughts control me.  It's been said time and time again that I didn't deserve what I endured, yet I somehow still hold onto the fact that perhaps I did.  I know it's not right to think such negative thoughts of myself, yet it makes sense, I think.  FUCK if I know.  Okay, I do know, damn it.  I know that if I don't change the way I think it will kill me in the long run, perhaps not physically, but it will be my demise for certain.  I'm not willing to take that risk. I've given up on so much throughout my life that I can't give up now, not again.  I am holding on to hope, and praying to GOD that I be given back my strength, so that I might find that courage I possessed, to move forward as I had been doing.  Where did I go astray?  I think my feet are still on solid ground, I'm not on any cloud, nor do I claim to be better than any other.  The road looks the same as it has in the past.  FUCK, that's it, it is the same road.  Where is everyone?  Have I pushed everyone away?  I don't believe I have, not yet that is.  I must find my way back to where it is I belong, that road I had been traveling was paved with all that I needed.  Love, hope, faith, strength (my strength), courage, ambition, amongst others.  I will be okay, I know I will.  I have to be.  Love is.....patient....and kind....understanding, and generous.  Or so I've heard that it's supposed to be.  I still dream those dreams I dreamt when I was a little girl and they are so wonderfully beautiful, maybe I need to stay in those dreams a while longer, maybe then those dreams will be more than just dreams.   Whose to say, it's only a dream?