August 28, 2011

Sometimes words are not enough and music speaks what the heart wants to hear and say.  Thus the reason for my last post...Phil Collins really pulls it all together and puts down in words then adds music to complete the emotion.  There you have it.  I love you.

August 28, 2011

Sitting listening to the rain, praying to God all are safe elsewhere, I can't help but feel a bit of sadness come over me instantaniously.  I woke, and you were gone. Was it something I said perhaps, did I not give you my undivided attention?  Whatever the reason may be, I feel alone.  Sad and alone.  I'll overcome this feeling of momentary lonliness and confusion, yes I will.  The most wonderful feeling is that of LOVE.  Feeling love, seeing it in the eyes of others' as they gaze into your eyes.  I have seen this before, but it was not for me, but others'.  I have NEVER really felt worthy of LOVE, let alone worthy of possessing such, in order to give to another.  I can tell you this much however;   I am capable of LOVE, giving and receiving, without any road blocks, no bricks, not a single one.  Those damn bricks have left scars, internal as well as external.  Physical pain is one thing but emotional?, FUCK! that tears at you constantly, until we can let go absolutely with the LOVE of another.  I have that, I've been letting go of the pain, the scars are becoming lessened over time, and knowing that I am loved as deeply as I love today, is speeding up that process.  I LOVE YOU.

August 24,2011

Sometimes I just have to sit back and laugh at life and all it's thrown at me, then it starts a fire inside of my soul, forcing me to move forward.  I realize that I may not have been the perfect person for some, but for another perhaps.  I've paid my dues, I've lived my own hell, caused others' to live that hell, and for that I sincerely appologize, I don't regret it yet I appologize.  I had to go through all that I have in order to be right where I am at this very moment.  ALIVE.  I am alive.  I am breathing, tasting, touching, arms stretched out, grasping for what is within my reach now.  I am who I am meant to be today.  The roads that were less traveled now have imprints on them from my own two feet.  I can only hope that another will see that it isn't the road less traveled today, tomorrow or whenever, and decide to take a path of their own. 

I have witnessed within myself a hatred that emerged from childhood, and followed me for all of those years.  I can now let that hatred sit on the sidelines, and watch in utter jealousy, whilst I move on.  I have moved on.  I was gone before I even realized it.  I have met the man that I want for always, and forever so he says.  I love him, unconditionally.  I am airing my laundry and not dirty laundry, laundry that has been maticulously washed, dried and folded.  Laundry that I am proud to call my own today.  I love you, with all of my heart and I hope you realize that.

August 22, 2011

It doesn't take much to get the wheels spinning out of control. I know first hand the damage that I might have caused had I not turned myself off completely.  I have to, I am in a dangerous emotionaly state right this very moment.  Jealousy is RAGING, uncontrollabley I feel a need to lash out but at whom?  MYSELF?  Fuck no, at everyone but myself, that's how it's always been, it's comfortable, or so I thought, until I started losing at my own game.  I lost myself first, then love, I lost the lust for life, I lost myself.  I can't go there tonight, I won't allow myself to, therefore I am putting down in the words, what it is that ails my psyche at this very moment.  I don't give a fuck who thinks what about these words, I do this for myself and myself alone.  FUNNY!  ALONE?  I feel alone.  I know, I hear it now, I'm always with you, you're never alone!  Then explain why it is I feel that or this way?  Hmmm I thought so.  I'm coming around slowly, still in a seriously dangerous emotional state, but I'm coming around.  I need to be fed to those wolves, every so often, to remind myself the misery I lived for so long, pretending and not taking into consideration anyone but my self.  I didn't care then, but now?  NOW, I DO CARE.  Much better.  Keeping my side of the street clean, that's all I can do.........................

August 21, 2011

Sometimes there is that one song, that captures you in the moment and it needs to be shared for all.  I can, today, hear the lyrics and feel the music, unlike days before.  It's a most wonderful feeling.  I have denied mysefl "TRUE" happiness, until now.  I have found that which I have sought for so many years, although I didn't really search it just seemed to appear.  LOVE.

August 20, 2011

     There's a certain feeling that becomes so overwhelmingly powerful that there aren't any words that have the remote capability to express them.  The past couple of days have been without words.  Feelings are coming full-circle and on occassion (rare occassion) I question them, and then again in the same thought process I set them to the side, for I know in my heart, I AM EXACTLY WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE.  I have let go, for the most part, of my anger, however; it is still there festering as it always is, waiting as I know it does, for that one moment that I let my guard down.  I cannot succumb to it's grip, I have not been so happy, so full of absolute elation than I am at the present moment.  My life is moving forward, not stagnant, nor in reverse.  I am not cured by any means, and I don't second guess any longer the possibility of perhaps being cured. or released from the grasp of SATAN (the bottle) it's a daily task, and I need a dose of good medicine every chance I begin feeling those feelings of  hopelessness and worthlessness.  I still carry some of that with me daily.  Why ME?  What have I, that another doesn't?  I suppose those are questions that will remain unanswered forever.  Perhaps, even, I don't want an answer, that would be an absolution of sorts.  I do know that YOU, have brought more joy into my life, than I ever imagined acheivable.  I had in fact prepared, perhaps 20 years ago, myself for a long and lonely life.  Sure there were some whom I thought worthy in the very beginning, but as time carried on, as it always does, I was the one who deemed herself unworthy, and worthless, so I settled.  TODAY, I am not settling, I am happy, I have found that one, the one that makes me view life in different perspective, the one that allows me to be me (without a drink nonetheless)  I can say, in all honesty, with all of my heart and with every breathe that I take, I am IN LOVE with you, not you nor you, but YOU. 

I Have a Dream

Daddy Don't You Walk So Fast

August 14, 2011

     Sometimes, to include this weekend I don't possess the ability to express myself in a "sane" manner, yet instead it comes out in misdirected "everything".  Frustration to say the least over powers every other emotion, and I spew it in directions, I have no control over. FUCK. If I have ever had any regrets in my life, now is the time to fess up to such.  I push aside the ideals that you have placed before me, because I thought by setting aside the alcohol all would be cured.  Needless to say I didn't put into account any of the "past" having an effect on my present days, as I've forgotten in the most recent past.  It's neglect is what it is, on my behalf.  If I apologize for my actions I feel the fool, however; I owe you more than an apology, and at this point I am more afraid than ever before in my life of losing the "one" thing I hold close.  I gave you a part of me I will not ever get back.  Nor do I want back for that matter.

     You sit right next to me, and I, I'm shedding every last tear for today. I don't like who I become when my mind wanders off in directions that it shouldn't.  The silence is tearing me apart.  I want to crawl out of my own skin, and display it so no one , not a single soul need go through what it is I put myself and others' through. It's disgusting and I feel worthless.  Not that it's an unfamiliar feeling for me.  I believe I should listen to the voices of others', and you, that's scary too.  Every single flaw of mine is rearing it's face, so what the fuck?  They said the 1st year of sobriety was a gift!  REALLY? A fucking gift? I can't even control my fucking emotions and my actions/reactions, and this they call a gift?  I can't breathe, its' as though the air I'm trying to breathe in is that of my own mind.  It's stagnant and poisonous.  It's killing me slowly, and I'm not ready to die, or give up, not yet, not now.

August 9, 2011

As I sit here typing I can't help but wonder.  I wonder what your thinking, what your doing, where you are, and then I realize that I am right here, right now.  You are where you need to be for this moment as well.  I have no need to project, because when I do, "Watch out!" It's as though I projectile vomit in directions that I have absolutely no control over. Something takes hold of me, and it has the strength of a thousand men, maybe more. It pins me up against a wall (perhaps the same wall I've been pinned against before) and literally devours every positive notion I thought I might have possessed.  I struggle, fight, kick and scream, but I stand alone while this thing, this entity consumes my soul, and sucks the life out of me.  Finally, yes...FINALLY, I have some clarity.  I see it.  I smell it.  I taste it's fear.  It's not my fear, not any longer, it fears me, because it knows that I am growing stronger, and I now possess the strength of those thousand men.  I am no longer weak, feeble minded, nor am I YOUR VICTIM!  I AM NO LONGER YOUR VICTIM!  I'm saying this for all the world to see, to hear.  I am embodying all that I once was, many years ago, and putting my foot down this last time.  I need to say it aloud, "I AM NOT A VICTIM!"  My name is Kelly, and you can no longer reside within my soul, you no longer have the ability to control my thoughts, my actions, my reactions or my emotions. I AM IN CONTROL NOW!  Thank you to the one who has shed the most light on me, thank you to the ones' who have stood by me, and thank you GOD, for giving me a fighting chance.  Thank you GOD, for allowing me this opportunity to see, to taste, to touch, to feel, to love once again.  THANK YOU GOD!  I know that I am loved,  do you?  Do you feel Love?  Can you taste Love?  Can you touch Love? Will you allow me to trudge that lonely road with you?  I will hold your hand for a while, but you heart?  Your heart I will hold forever.

August 7, 2011

Is it a delusion that I create in my own mind, creating a fantasy that doesn't exist but in my fucking mind.  Where I'm genuinely happy, and I can share thoughts, and dreams, hopes and aspirations with another.  What foolish girl thinks such foolish thoughts?  I'll tell you what girl.  This one, this one does.  I thought that by setting aside the drinking life would be wonderful and full of life.  Life full of life?  What is that?  Is that a cliche?  Does happiness, true happiness exist?  Can I overcome the past in order to live a life that is full of that?  Life?  I want a life that's filled with love and happiness, an open line of communication, honesty, trust, TRUST. That's exactly what I seek, I have that, I have that right this very moment, and if I don't let go, I'm going to lose what I've searched my entire life for. My mind is scrambled therefore these words are going to be as well, I can't make sense of anything, I'm confused, so very confused. I feel lost and alone again.  Why again?  Hmmph...Stupid question Kelly!  I do it to myself.   I feel like I'm an infectious disease, and I'm highly contagious, don't get too close I may kill a part of your soul.  I've tried and tried, so many times, so many different ways to overcome, to push out of my subconscious the negativity, and those sons of bitches beat me every time.  I haven't a chance in hell against something so powerful, unless....UNLESS....there is a solution.  If I could scream on the top of my lungs until my breathe ran out, and I was lifeless I would.  In order to rid myself of all of my past, every bit of it, I would indeed sell my soul for a nickle perhaps less, not to SATAN, no way, to another, the one that constantly ridicules me, laughs, continues to rip me to shreds, that's the one.  How's this....GO FUCK YOURSELF!  I'm over it, I'm done, fuck the past, give my shit to the next one in line, I don't want it, you can all have it, you deal with it because I am done.  I'm done, did you hear me?  I"M DONE!!!!!!!!!I am turning all of it over to you GOD, take care of it for me will ya?    Kelly

August 7, 2011

The past few days have been unbearable to say the least emotionally that is...the tears that fell from my eyes were tears of frustration and pain, fear and more fear.  Knowing I have to face what I don't want to. I have worn myself out physically from scars of my past creeping up and thinking that it's okay once again to take over my soul.  I spoke about this earlier, and have come to the conclusion that "YES" you are right, I do need to rid myself of that "SHIT" that I call a past, not all of it was horrid, yet most of it I believed for so long I deserved.  It controls me, and I'm done allowing mere thoughts control me.  It's been said time and time again that I didn't deserve what I endured, yet I somehow still hold onto the fact that perhaps I did.  I know it's not right to think such negative thoughts of myself, yet it makes sense, I think.  FUCK if I know.  Okay, I do know, damn it.  I know that if I don't change the way I think it will kill me in the long run, perhaps not physically, but it will be my demise for certain.  I'm not willing to take that risk. I've given up on so much throughout my life that I can't give up now, not again.  I am holding on to hope, and praying to GOD that I be given back my strength, so that I might find that courage I possessed, to move forward as I had been doing.  Where did I go astray?  I think my feet are still on solid ground, I'm not on any cloud, nor do I claim to be better than any other.  The road looks the same as it has in the past.  FUCK, that's it, it is the same road.  Where is everyone?  Have I pushed everyone away?  I don't believe I have, not yet that is.  I must find my way back to where it is I belong, that road I had been traveling was paved with all that I needed.  Love, hope, faith, strength (my strength), courage, ambition, amongst others.  I will be okay, I know I will.  I have to be.  Love is.....patient....and kind....understanding, and generous.  Or so I've heard that it's supposed to be.  I still dream those dreams I dreamt when I was a little girl and they are so wonderfully beautiful, maybe I need to stay in those dreams a while longer, maybe then those dreams will be more than just dreams.   Whose to say, it's only a dream? 

EVERYBODY HURTS

August 1, 2011

Yet another month is upon me, and what do I have to show for it?  A freedom from my old self? Perhaps!  However, when I am surrounded by negativity.  Those old demons seem to flare up...I try to control them, however they are more powerful than I thought before.  I am stronger than that, and I will put them all back in their places, as I have done in the past, no matter the repercussions for those involved.  I WILL NOT dwell on the negative!  I can not today, tomorrow doesn't look good for them either, therefore I am putting one foot in front of the other.  The sun shone on my skin for two entire days, and the heat that it's rays bestowed upon my flesh was more than welcoming.  I am learning so much about myself and others' and to say that I am empowering myself would be a lie, I am allowing others' to walk into my life today and shed their views, their ideas, and their knowledge.