July 25, 2011

I still have those moments.  The ones' that make me question my motives, and do I in fact have any underlying whatsoever.  I know that in the past I may have.  I have not truly ever gotten what I've wanted let alone asked for what I've needed, I've always settled.  Settle, settle, settle.  HELLO?!  Is there anybody out there?  Is there anyone alive?  Move the bodies carefully they said, they are after all someones loved ones'.  That's how I used to feel.  Like a lifeless body, just waiting, not ever really feeling or experiencing life.

I know I am far from perfect, and perhaps perfectly imperfect best describes me.  I am beginning to love myself, physically (Grrr) although there are those days where my insecurities are so overwhelming and seem as though they have no end and they do most certainly devour me.  It's a revelation of sorts, or so it seems daily.  Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly huh?  I'm building a bridge out of the bricks that have been guarding me all of these years, in hopes that I am able to allow others' in completely.  I hear the words that are spoken, and I feel the sincerity of each one of them as they move past their lips, I want to believe that I am beautiful inside and out, however; there is always that lingering thought, somewhere in the dark, waiting for that one moment in time, where I feel completely whole.  It pokes it ugly face through the mirror and spews all of it's negativity directly at me, and I am infected once again.  There is no pill to take in order to rid myself of these shadows, it's a learning process.  I am moving towards that dimension, where peace and serenity are abundant, and can only hope I can pass along all that I acquire to another in need.  Perhaps I am selfish, wanting perfection or striving for such, and NO I do not expect perfection.  Today is one of those days that I know for certain I am rambling on about absolutely nothing.

I still wish that I had a crystal ball, and that magic wand, I would rid us of all evil. The past is just that...EVIL...He is trying to knock you down, as he has me, and if I have any say in any of this, I will stand between you and he and guard you with my life.    So I wait, frantically, my own thoughts creating a whirl wind of chaos in my own mind, back and forth.  Then I snap, and realize this has nothing to do with me, it's you, how insensitive I have been, making your mountains into molehills, when in fact they are mountains, that you must climb, and once reaching that peak I pray to God you descend ever so slowly, remembering each step that you take towards that serene place you know and love.  I do know you experience that excruciating pain the past causes too, and it breaks me into pieces knowing there is nothing that I can say nor do in order to bring you back.