July 20, 2011

I saw my reflection this morning and thought to myself, "What a ghastly sight!" I see what I see, nothing more, nothing less.  I had been able, not too long ago, to see that little girl. That innocent little girl, the untarnished, beautiful little girl.  She ran away again.  I don't understand her, and I certainly can't comprehend my own self image.  I do try daily.  I apply the smile (mask or not) hold my head somewhat high, look life in the eye and walk forward.  There is however; this centrifugal force that wants to pull me back down, and I am constantly holding onto that invisible hand (the one that I wish were there all of the time) in order to keep myself from being lost in HELL once again.  I remember the scent of near death, the damp cold darkness that surrounded me.  I was alone and afraid, as I am still today, not as often, but often enough to tell myself I don't want this any more.  Loneliness is cold and dark, I've said it time and time again I want to bask in the rays of the sun for as long as I possibly can, and feel it's beautiful warm rays beating down on my skin.  Is it really all too much to ask for?  Is that being selfish?  It is what it is I presume.  I'll be just fine.