July 15, 2011

Each new day, brings new clarity and some peace of mind.  I realize that there are going to be days where I regress to the depths of despair, and there are going to be days where I feel elated beyond belief.  Today, I am neither of those.  I am right here, right now.  I am thinking clearly today.  My thoughts are unfolding as they have before, and I am able to put down in words those thoughts.  Making perfect sense of all that has been puzzling me for weeks.  I do realize that I am insecure and that I will have moments more often than not, where I must be reassured that I am most worthy.  I am telling you this, aloud, for all to hear, yes I AM INSECURE.  I still struggle with my reflection, for I see the past when I look into my own eyes, and question God as to why he allowed me to suffer so long at the hands of others'.  Perhaps it's not up to me to question HIM, but I must, I need to understand better, why it is that a child must suffer, and in suffering carry guilt as if it were all MY fault.  I do blame myself, I see it, I still feel those feelings as if I were still that child.  I do wish I could turn back time and be that innocent little girl, hiding behind my mothers' skirt.  I remember those days as if they were just yesterday.  I miss those days.  I miss my mom, I know she is only a phone call away, and that I need only pick up that phone, but I want to feel her arms around me, I want to hear her tell me that everything is going to be okay.  That God isn't going to give me anything more than I can handle, the way only she can.  I tell myself these things daily, but somehow, they don't impact me in the same manner.  I am a stronger woman today mom, because of you.  My life is moving forward in a positive direction today, and some days more often than others' I am terrified that I may destroy all that I am diligently working towards.  I have the ability to see past my nose in spite of my face today, and what I see is shear beauty.  A beauty so divine that it radiates and I can do nothing but stand and absorb it's rays and in doing so feel beautiful myself.