July 18, 2011

The adversity of all that I've generated is coming full circle.  Each and every piece of my past is making itself visible, although I wish all were transparent.  I have reached out in the past for hands that weren't mine for the taking and in doing so was left to thrash about aimlessly like a fish out of water in fear.  I no longer feel that I'm reaching for hands that are not mine, but hands that are genuinely outstretched to ME!  I can't believe it sometimes.  Perhaps mine own eyes are deceiving me, as does my heart and mind on occasion, but I must have that hope and look towards those pastures that are fertile in hopes that I too can walk with, not against.  I want the memories of my today's to over power those of my yesterdays.  I long, need and want for so much, I can still, feel, taste and touch in my mind all the beauty that is being given me today.  I am regaining strength that I thought once lost, perhaps I misplaced it beneath all of the years of negativity.  YES!  That's it, I buried all of it, only to use minimal amounts sparingly when absolutely necessary.  I need most if not all today.  I want to bask as I did this past weekend, in the sun, and feel the heat, not intermittently, but daily.  It must be daily, for daily there are new quests that are set before me.  I now know what it is to feel "ALIVE" again, or perhaps it's for the first time that I do.  I was on that roller coaster, gradually inching my way to the summit, not knowing what awaited me. I embraced myself,  preparing to crest, yet never actually getting there, only sashaying in reverse, to begin the ascent once again.  All the while praying for that strength to pull me through.