January 28, 2014 cont'd

Sitting in absolute solitude that I have intricately created for myself is proving to be detrimental to my emotional, spiritual and physical well being. I feel myself swaying back and forth between thoughts. I am being encapsulated by FEAR. FEAR of what? Exactly, FEAR of the unknown. I am once again surrounded by those glaring eyes and seething teeth. I feel it's breathe on my neck and I know one quick movement will cause it to attack. I am plagued by what is unknown to most but suffered by so many. I am living in constant fear for my own life.

January 28, 2014

I find myself at a crossroad, with no direction. I am scared and alone, knowing full well I have family and some friends, doesn't seem to make much difference at this point in time. I have failed myself repeatedly and have no one to blame but MYSELF. I have made myself physically sick because I know not when to keep my thoughts to myself. It's a fiendish act of hatred turned inward that explodes when I don't get my own way. I don't know which way to turn. It seems that once I've made a decision to travel certain roads, roads that I have been weary of in the past, they are the wrong paths for me to take. I suffer because I know nothing more, nor nothing less. I have grown to comfortable in my own misery. I won't allow myself to be happy for whatever reason. I take out my frustrations on the one I love, or so I say. I then cringe because it's too late to swallow the words I have already thrown up. When will I ever learn? Why is it that I just can't allow myself to bask in 'happiness' if only momentarily? I hate who I become when my insecurities reveal themselves and at the most inopportune moments of the day. It's a daily task pleading with myself, my own thoughts, trying to control whatever it is that lies within.

January 27, 2014

There are many moments throughout the course of a day that I reflect on a phrase that I have heard time and time again. "If he brought you to it, then he will surely bring you through it." Is this a fucking joke or something? Who came up with this shit? 'He', who is 'he' anyway? What if 'he' is a 'she' and that 'she' is merely 'me'? So, essentially, I bring on my own problems, cause my own misery and am expected to allow another to bring me through it? Damned if I do and certainly damned if I don't. It's all a crock to say the least. He who brought me to it, if in fact 'it' is all intentional, by intentional I mean perhaps a learning experience of sorts (who's to say for certain), then just push me in already. I have had my fill of learning experiences. There is nothing more I need to be 'brought' to nor do I have the desire to be standing there on the very edge waiting for the slightest breeze to thrust me in to the abyss. I don't understand why I even bother trying to recover myself from such a dark place. I've grown so comfortable being there and to be completely honest, the fucking light is hurting my eyes. I'd rather be left in the dark then aware of my surroundings anymore. It's a set-up.

January 20, 2014

I am merely a 'metaphor'.

January 17, 2014

As the letters come pouring in, my concerns are now shifted...what if has become such a reality that I felt it's blow to my soul instantaneously. I'm beside myself uncertain of my own emotions, my own feelings if in fact they are feelings to begin with. What if...I move forward and it turns out the way it always has. What if...there is no moving past my own past and it continues to play a major roll in my every day living. What if...I no longer possess the ability to communicate on a intimate level with another. What if...all of these fears have come to fruition for a very specific reason. Is there a lesson to be learned? Am I not hearing ALL that is being spoken? If only I could reach far inside and find that little girl hidden away maybe I could make heads or tails of all that has presented itself to me recently. Am I terrified? Hell yes I am. I can hear my own heart beating, pounding as if it's about to explode. My senses are confused as well. I want to cry but am not certain I can right now. Is it possible that the Phoenix can rise from the ashes of it's own demise?

January 15, 2014

As the day carries on, I find myself reflecting more and more on all of the 'what ifs'. I just can't seem to get past any of it and I'm not certain I ever will. Is there a magic potion or a pill that I need to swallow in order to rid my mind of all that ails it? I give my 'will' over and take it right back more times in a day than conceivable. It's absolutely ridiculous if you ask me. I am still holding onto hope, that I will be rid of all the unnecessary bullshit that plagues my mind. I know it's what is holding me back. A damn daily struggle, fighting off anger, and shame, and regret, and most importantly FEAR! If given one day, just one solitaire day without the rumbling inside of my mind, perhaps then that one day will soon turn in to two and so on and so on.

January 14, 2014

For for years I have been pouring out my fears by tapping on a keyboard, trying to sort through emotions and such in order to gain a better perspective on my own life and for more years than I can recall I feel helpless. I am well aware that there is help to be had however; the utter disappointment that follows each and every session, therapist, group meeting and prescription is so overwhelming. I want so much to give up yet something pushes me forward, and so another day has begun. I awake feeling exhausted and confused, more so than the evening before. I tell myself to clear a pathway in my mind so as to focus on the tasks that lie ahead, needless to say the self talk hasn't been very helpful. It seems as if I'm falling back as opposed to gaining any ground. As I tap away at the keys every imaginable emotion reveals itself and I am becoming increasingly frustrated with the whirlwind of thoughts that are spinning out of control in my mind. To settle them would be the most miraculous of all. I need some stability in my life and at this rate I know I will never have such a thing.

January 13, 2014

The irony of things is most certainly mind blowing. I have spent hours upon relentless hours pondering thoughts that I have no business pondering any longer. Why must I continuously revisit the past. I understand that most of my experiences are defining moments in my life, and that they have all contributed to who I have become today. Which brings up another question...who the fuck am I anyway. I look in the mirror and see a reflection looking back at me yet, I don't recognize who that woman is. Her eyes are sad and her face is showing her age. It's as if the 'eyes to her soul' are hollow. I see no life in her gaze, just emptiness. Perhaps it's all in my mind. Perhaps I am delusional as I've been told many a time. I have tried so hard to brush these feelings off but...they are persistent. I try to give my all no matter the circumstance and am left feeling lonelier than when I first embarked on this 'journey'. There has got to be some way to rise above all of the madness I have surrounded myself with. Where do I begin?