January 29, 2013

I have not been myself these past days. I've been trying to catch myself before I fell into that deep depression that I am oh so familiar with.  I can't allow myself to go there, not now.  I know that if I do I may not ever return, not this time.  I'm holding onto to the knot at the end of my rope for dear life, because my life right now depends on it.  If I could blame one solitaire individual for ALL that has gone wrong thus far in my life, I have myself only to blame.  Roads that weren't meant for me to travel alone, yet they seemed so inviting at the time I couldn't resist, so I trudged those roads aimlessly, looking for whatever it is I am still seeking.  I'm afraid to travel those roads alone today because I know I won't ever return.  I'm not Gretel and I haven't laid down a trail to find my way back home.  I need more out of this life than I have allowed myself to receive.  I've heard enough excuses from countless individuals as to the why's and why not's of almost every situation I have presented.  I won't except anything less than what I want or so that's the effect I'm going for.  I'm sure there will have to be some compromise however; I am not willing to back down.  If I don't possess the qualities of life you, or you or you are seeking then....it's time to move on, walk past me, don't look back.  I've had enough of disappointments throughout my life and I'm certain a few more won't kill me, might break me once again and that's something I'm willing to endure.  Just once I want what I want, no strings attached, nothing.  Not because I want, however because someone sees me fit to receive; whatever it is.  I'm done.