A ROCK....

I am a ROCK, or at least I'd like to be a rock.  It hurts when I'm pushed around, my feelings are thrown about, my emotional state is ridiculed...therefore; being a rock would alleviate all of the pain I have and perhaps will continue to endure.  Shit!  Throw me out to sea for all I care once I gain ROCK status.  Rocks just are, it's that simple.  They need no explanations...nothing.  They need and rely on no one and nothing.  How lovely it would be to "just be", a ROCK that is.  They come in all shapes and sizes, different textures and from around the world, they are openly accepted as they are.  The need to conform is not there, they just are...no need to please, to wipe away tears, comfort...NOTHING....I want to be a ROCK!

You Are Not An Accident

January 15, 2013 By kkline
 

You are who you are for a reason.
You’re part of an intricate plan.
You’re a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God’s special woman or man.
You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.

He knit you together within the womb,
You’re just what he wanted to make.
The parents you had were the ones he chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God’s plan in mind,
And they bear the Master’s seal.
No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into His likeness you’d grow.
You are who you are for a reason,
You’ve been formed by the Master’s rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God!

-Russell Kelfer-
Blessings,
Chop wood, carry water

Funny thing is...most days I feel like I've been handed a bag of rocks to carry around on my shoulders' and the load never seems to lighten yet continuously getting heavier to bare.  How much more can one individual endure?  I know that there are those so much worse off than myself, yet I can't see past any of that.  My focus is on me, my children.  I only wish that I could go one solitaire day without feeling utterly overwhelmed, without a single thought that causes me to panic with absolute FEAR of the future, without the anxiety that follows all of this.  REALLY?  How much more?  

January 29, 2013

I have not been myself these past days. I've been trying to catch myself before I fell into that deep depression that I am oh so familiar with.  I can't allow myself to go there, not now.  I know that if I do I may not ever return, not this time.  I'm holding onto to the knot at the end of my rope for dear life, because my life right now depends on it.  If I could blame one solitaire individual for ALL that has gone wrong thus far in my life, I have myself only to blame.  Roads that weren't meant for me to travel alone, yet they seemed so inviting at the time I couldn't resist, so I trudged those roads aimlessly, looking for whatever it is I am still seeking.  I'm afraid to travel those roads alone today because I know I won't ever return.  I'm not Gretel and I haven't laid down a trail to find my way back home.  I need more out of this life than I have allowed myself to receive.  I've heard enough excuses from countless individuals as to the why's and why not's of almost every situation I have presented.  I won't except anything less than what I want or so that's the effect I'm going for.  I'm sure there will have to be some compromise however; I am not willing to back down.  If I don't possess the qualities of life you, or you or you are seeking then....it's time to move on, walk past me, don't look back.  I've had enough of disappointments throughout my life and I'm certain a few more won't kill me, might break me once again and that's something I'm willing to endure.  Just once I want what I want, no strings attached, nothing.  Not because I want, however because someone sees me fit to receive; whatever it is.  I'm done.

January 23, 2013

I have been stripped of my last drop of dignity, and given to the carnivores so they can feast.  Paranoia has taken me hostage.  The FEAR became so overwhelming and all-consuming that it stepped aside to make room for 'paranoia'. I know exactly where it is that I am descending and I have no way of stopping myself.  I have said it many times that I haven't a fight left in me.  My defenses have failed me, and now I am raw.  It's as if I am lying completely naked at the bottom of a bottomless pit (if that's possible) and the sand and the salt from above is falling onto open wounds, burning from the outside at first; then internal.  Just once to "FEEL" wanted; by every definition of the word.  I have experienced the need aspect of it all, just not ever the want.  WHY?  Am I that undeserving?  Do I expect too much and for that matter do I ask for too much? The intense feeling almost sensation that no matter what is said or done is never good enough.  I'm tired of being pushed and pulled, pushed and pulled.  I have nothing left.  I am EMPTY.  

January 17, 2013

I have reached the peak. I have realized, today to be exact…that I am losing all control.  I continuously ward off FEAR, and yet it somehow creeps in and through, around and over every nook and cranny, coming at me full force.  It doesn’t allow for me to build up my defenses (if there are any), so I come crumbling down, on my knees, hard.  I’m here.  I’m still here as a matter of fact.  Why?  I want happiness!  I truly do.  I think I might jump in with both feet, perhaps then FEAR will leave me be.  It will have what it wants, another empty, lonely, scared soul that it can claim. I try and stand up for myself only to be thrown down by a force so powerful that standing up takes all the strength I can muster.  Ugh!  I am walking on the extreme edge right now.  There has got to be some end to this desperation; this disparaging doldrums, somewhere, somehow.

The Truth be Told...

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them -- we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare."

Separate Ways - Journey

January 16, 2013

“Laugh, even when you feel too sick or too worn out or tired. Smile, even when you're trying not to cry and the tears are blurring your vision. Sing, even when people stare at you and tell you your voice is crappy. Trust, even when your heart begs you not to. Twirl, even when your mind makes no sense of what you see. Frolick, even when you are made fun of. Kiss, even when others are watching. Sleep, even when you're afraid of what the dreams might bring. Run, even when it feels like you can't run any more. And, always, remember, even when the memories pinch your heart. Because the pain of all your experience is what makes you the person you are now. And without your experience---you are an empty page, a blank notebook, a missing lyric. What makes you brave is your willingness to live through your terrible life and hold your head up high the next day. So don't live life in fear. Because you are stronger now, after all the crap has happened, than you ever were back before it started.” "HOW PROFOUND!"

January 10, 2013

It's shortly past midnight and for whatever reason, a calmness has come over me. I can't explain it nor do I want to question it. It's a strange sensation, nothing I can recall ever feeling. As I lie here going over conversation I can't help but smile, from the inside. It's almost foreign to me yet I'm going to allow myself to somewhat embrace it.I won't let it consume me because I'm afraid to. I actually love our talks, when they are just that. My eyes, I think, are opening. I know I'm not giving up, because there is this bond I feel and and to let go of it would be foolish on my part, so I am holding on...with all of my might. Hell! I'll use duct tape if I have to. I think I pushed FEAR away tonight, if only momentarily. I hate to admit it...I think I like that!

January 9, 2013

I smell it. I sense it. FEAR; it's becoming more intense with each passing second. I can feel it in my veins, the way my pulse reacts to the thunderous pounding of my heart. I hear it approaching yet I cannot move. It’s as if I am frozen in time, although I know that I’m not. I can feel the damp cold in my bones, I feel the tears streaming down my cheeks, and my fingers are becoming numb. Here I am, stationary. I dare not move for I know most certainly that those talons; sharp as knives; will tear flesh that’s oh so soft; and wounds that were closed will reopen, as if to invite others’ to taste my flesh. I stand watching as it gathers as much as it can with its dagger-like talons and reaches down with its razor sharp teeth and rips open the partially exposed muscle, feasting on me as if I were not living. The pain is unbearable, I can feel the burning from within yet; I stand motionless still. I can’t move. I am trying with all of my might and I CANNOT MOVE! Could this possibly be, am I allowing it to happen, will I recover once again or will FEAR take hold of my soul as well?

January 8, 2013

I am desperately trying to break the cycle. I am trying to keep my feet planted. I know I want to run, because that's what I do best. I sabotage EVERYTHING. I try to push myself and maybe too hard. FEAR consumes me once again and without realizing I give into it. Is there really a light at the end of the tunnel or is the light overshadowed with more FEAR and such? Ughhh....I frustrate myself. One moment in time, that's all I ask..just ONE moment. Is that really asking too much?

January 6, 2013

Deflated as a woman, defeated as an individual; do I give up or continue to fool myself into believing that "this too shall pass"?  How inconsiderate of me, should I ask the almighty "G.O.D." for forgiveness because HE has none for me.  I'm completely grief stricken... Fuck everything and run, or face my FEARS head on and fight for what I believe in. I can't be certain I have an ounce of fight left in me.  I am at the very bottom right now, and from where I sit there isn't a light at the end of anything, just mere darkness and it saddens me to admit it.  I have created my own mess and I have no idea where to begin to pick up the pieces, if there are any left to be picked up that is, and place them where they belong for one final time.  I wish that I could say with all honesty that I haven't worn out my welcome, however; I believe I bit the hand that feeds one too many times and my welcome has expired.  I can't be certain, although I am just about there.  If there is any strength left for me to have, PLEASE give it to me now, because I am crawling in desperation and need someone, something to somehow bring me up off of my knees.  

January 5, 2013

It's day five into this "NEW" year, and I have fucked up everything! I am left here...waiting to live? Waiting to die? Waiting for some sort of absolution if it will ever come my way...I haven't a clue, nothing left to say, nothing more to give, I am EMPTY!

January 4, 2013

Discounted! Neglected! Misunderstood! Mistreated! Disregarded! Displaced! And oh, the constant flow of excuses!

January 3, 2013

I thought that if I reached out far enough, you would grab my hand and pull me to safety, little did I know that you would only throw me back into the abyss. I thought I had found a friend, little did I know that all I confided in you would someday be used against me. I thought for a fleeting moment love had knocked at my door, little did I know that it was merely FEAR trying to break in. I thought that perhaps being the caretaker you would see that I was worthy, little did I know that; I looked foolish in the eyes of others'. I thought things would have been different, little did I know that I was the one holding myself back. I thought if I changed; things would emerge. I thought if I held back emotions, you would accept me for who I am. I thought if I gave my ALL, you would see ME. I haven't the will to fight anymore. I am weak. I barely have the ability to pull myself to my own feet, let alone aid another. So, here I stand, at the very edge, looking down at the jagged rocks and massive waves crashing against them, inching my way closer. I am terrified. I'm so scared that I haven't a tear to shed. I'm tired. I'm feeling so alone right this very moment, so tired and alone. I'm still trembling here with my arms outstretched waiting...waiting to live, waiting to die? If the winds shift will it be enough to send me soaring over? Will I gracefully dive into the waters, or will I not? What is happening to me? Why do I feel this way? Does anyone have the answer? I am a cliffhanger!

January 1, 2013

No New Years' Day, to celebrate, in fact it's just another ordinary day! No new resolutions to break. No more disappointing myself. No more of anything, period! I will not hold myself prisoner any longer. The heart wants what the heart wants and nothing less will do.