Lost...

I have lost sight of my hopes, dreams, ambitions and desires and have turned all inward in absolute fear. I fear failure, success. I fear love and hate. I fear freedom and imprisonment. I fear for my children, my friends and my enemies. I fear for myself. I sob uncontrollably, in spurts, daily because fear has torn my flesh and feeds off of wounds that I thought were healing. It won't allow me to move forward, as hard as I try to ward it off, it fights that much harder to hold me prisoner. I am so sick of being held hostage. I know what path I must chose, and making a choice between hells fury and absolute happiness scares me. For every step forward I see that I take three steps back, and it's the fear of not knowing what lies ahead that causes me to stumble and fall backwards. I should have been hatched, because I feel like a chicken. I admit openly to all who inquire, that I am scared of living and dying, and the unknown. How do I overcome this fear then? I have tried self-help, therapy, medication (prescribed), drugs and alcohol, then take all of that away and I am in the raw. R.A.W.(recovery at work). How much longer, and how much more am I to endure before I feel at ease, some sort of peace within? I'm scared and alone right now. There are others' around me, but none to whom I would confide. I am afraid to trust another with my fears, my hopes, my whatever, I am afraid. DAMN! I am that lost soul that I hear so often referred to. I am trying to find my way, but there are so many obstacles, and I haven't much strength if any left to maneuver my way around them. Tomorrow will be another new day, as for this one, I need to put it to rest, I need to focus on something other than what lies in my subconscious and take a few baby steps, in either direction because I haven't a clue which it will be.

August 31, 2012

I am trying with ALL of my might to hold on. My hands are sore and my grip is weak, I haven't enough strength to pull myself up I need help! Please! Somebody! Anybody! Someone help me!!

I'm just a Soul whose intentions are good...

Dear Destiny...

I AM READY!

August 28, 2012

    There are so many variables involved and to pinpoint specifics seems almost impossible.  The barricades are in place, the bridge has been washed out and the waters are rising.  It is going to take a miracle to reach me if that’s what is intended, otherwise I will call off my troops and retire to the solitude of my own mind once again and this time I will not allow myself to fall prey.  Perhaps…perhaps I really am delusional and my sense of self is so warped that I will not ever truly understand. 

The Rose

Daniel Miller

                                      

                                                    And upon a day, while walking among the flowers of his teacher’s garden,

  did the child speak unto the Mystic:

“Some men claim that this life is the darkness of a curse,

and a punishment to be endured for all our wicked ways.

Oh Mystic, what say you of life?”

And the Mystic answered:

“I say that life is neither a curse nor a punishment, but a rose filled with the beauty of desire.

The stem of the rose is your life upon this earth, the thorns, painful lessons you bring unto

yourself, that you might learn. The leaves are those joys that enter your life with the tenderness of an

unseen Love.

Curse not the sorrow of your thorns, for the deeper they cut unto the heart of your being, the greener the

leaves of joy shall be.

The tiny bud is your soul, waiting to bloom with the truth of God among its petals. Slowly will your flower

unfold, that you might not become lost within the fragrance of its secret.

And when the rose is at the height of its beauty, shall you not see the pureness of God smiling from the very

center of your Being?”

They say "Elephants Never Forget!"

August 24, 2012

I have allowed myself to tread water (figuratively) without a life preserver, for a very long time.  I thought that I had learned every lesson there was to be learned. I do not possess the emotional strength to continuously pull myself up only to be pushed back down.  The bridge to communication has been vacated. There have been roadblocks in place for some time now, and I, for one reason or another have not taken notice, even though these blocks have been and continue to be quite visible, even to the naked eye.  Why one might ask?  Hmm... FEAR! I'm afraid.  I usually hit these roadblocks head on and just accept things for what they are even if I feel in my gut that there is something there well worth fighting for.  I have sat watching my hopes, dreams and desires leap in desperation off of that bridge, the one I am no longer willing to mend.  I am turning my back on all that I dreamt, desired, hoped and replacing each brick, one by one.  I have allowed pain and suffering to become a part of me, and my heart can no longer be mended, it has been shredded multiple times.  I will not pick up the pieces, not ever again.  My name after all is “Kelly”, I am not a doormat, better yet I am not your doormat, nor anyone else’s’ for that fucking matter. I deserve to be treated as if I am equal to not less than, that my opinion matters, that I fucking matter.  I FUCKING MATTER.  I HAVE FEELINGS TOO! I HURT (maybe more so than others’ or perhaps I bring that shit on myself as well), but I HURT nonetheless. I struggle daily too.  I am constantly battling within myself to maintain.  Maintain what exactly; well I haven’t a fucking clue.  FUCK!!!!!  I’m creating a river of frustration as I sit here and tap these keys with fierce intent.  If only I could toss all of those years of abuse and neglect downstream, knowing they will NOT EVER return.  If only I could make others’ see that I am not at all a strong woman, but a woman who needs; love, compassion and respect.  I want to know what it’s like to have another stand up for me, to fight for me, to cry uncontrollably at the mere thought of losing me. I really do want, not for too much, nothing that I ever thought was unattainable, but a sincere want.  Am I just fooling myself or are these things possible, do I expect too much?  I don't believe so.  I don't ask for a thing, nothing for that matter, I've given up on asking, it just leads to absolute disappointment. 

August 22, 2012

The time is nearing when I will have to make a life changing decision...it's probably already passed me by and I've been procrastinating so much so that I'm making things more difficult than they need be.  I acknowledge TODAY that I, may not be the most glamorous, the most positively influential individual, nor is my head screwed on entirely however; I know that I love, I long to be loved and nourished just as a seedling must be tended to.  I don't feel nourished yet abandoned, not only by others' but myself.  Questions lie dormant and unanswered, I fear today, tomorrow and what ever else follows. I walk on eggshells constantly, wondering if the words coming out of my mouth are going to offend another, and yet, I still let those same words flow past my lips, and cringe with fear, hoping that I haven't crossed over any boundaries.  I argue with myself, and others' almost daily.  What starts out as a seemingly wonderful day almost always turns into some sort of hell.  I do not possess the ability to let go of otherwise meaningless comments or gestures.  I hold onto everything as if it were the last drop of water in sight. I suppose I am the poster child for holding onto resentments, as hard as I try to forgive and forget, they somehow manage to adhere to the most secretive of hiding places in my mind.  I have lost all ability to tolerate any form of insincerity when dealing with others. I see past the metaphorical masks and my stomach curdles with disgust.  I have on many occasion gone above and beyond my own personal call of duty to aid others',  I have set aside my feelings, hopes, desires and needs to pacify others' as well.  Why do I constantly feel the need to accept less than my heart desires?  Am I not deserving? Have I stooped to a level so low that I no longer want, need or desire anything but the basics?  WHEN?  WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN? 

August 14, 2012

I’ve stepped out from behind the barriers that I’ve strategically placed before me, for a glimpse (only a glimpse) of what could be, and what I thought was; is merely a figment of my imagination and a deceitfully vivid one if I may say so myself.  I must and I reiterate that I MUST not settle into another day filled with “what ifs” and “if only’”.  I’m afraid to ask for and not accept anything less than; for fear takes hold and I resume my place behind my wall of nonexistence.  I’ve given up for so long, and settled for less than what my heart desires too many times.  I can express myself in writing, so why is it that I don’t possess the ability to do so with words?  I’ll tell you why, because; I HAVE NOT EVER GOTTEN ANYTHING MY HEART DESIRES! Feelings of worthlessness and unworthiness abound, and the longer they linger the more intense the fear of facing reality becomes.  It’s inexcusable to say the least and I settle for that as well.  I allow fear to dictate once again as I stand on the sidelines dreaming of a day that will never come to pass.  F@#*!!!!!  Why it that some get all of their hearts desires and others, well; we just observe with a watchful eye.  My heart aches.  I’m so tired of picking up the pieces of myself that I’ve allowed others’ to throw out.  I can’t escape my thoughts some days, and it seems that TODAY is one of those days.  I want a “Happily Ever After” too.  If it seems that my thoughts are scattered less than organized, well, that’s because they are.  I sense a thought and it becomes words thrown down in no particular order.  It all makes perfect sense to me.  Then when I feel I’m at my best, loneliness begins to set in.  I could be in a crowded room and feel as if I am the only one standing there.  It’s as if I’m lost again, I know the direction I need to go in order to find what I set out to, yet, something holds me back.  DAMN!!

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!

Dreams Do Come True

“Dreams do come true, if only we wish hard enough. You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it.”
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

August 13, 2012

It's time I take inventory of myself and my surroundings.  I give more than I receive, and it's emotionally draining.  I have nothing left to give of myself.  I have weighed the pros and cons of every situation and the cons outweigh the pros; needless to say it's heartwrenching.  I sit in absolute despair feeling nothing more than hollow.  Hollow; what a complex word, that empty, lonely, meaningless place I reside more often than not these past days.  Scurrying like a rodent who is relentlessly bobbing and weaving with all it's might, to evade becoming prey.  It knows what flies over head, yet it dashes from one secure refuge to another in hopes that it will survive the attack once again.  I've all but given up the fight, dangling my own sanity in front of my very own face as if I were a blood hound in search of.  I am though; in search of, what it is; I have yet to discover.  I know there is something, someone, somewhere waiting, for the moment to present itself as it so often has done in the past.  I have been treading water for so long that I am weakened, so weakened so that tears find it difficult to form and fall down my cheeks.  Why is that?  Have I reached the end of my rope and if not, is there a knot that I can somehow manage to hold onto, before I plunge into the darkness once again.  THEY, whoever they is, failed to inform me that I would feel as raw as I feel for so long.  I'm so tired of salt being poured on the wounds I've been delicately nursing. 

That's Life

MY WAY...

August 9, 2012

I have discovered that there comes a point in time in ones’ life (my life) that acceptance needs to be implemented.  I have tolerated more than my fair share of heartache and pain, of both the physical and emotional variety. I have constructed every last bit on my own and I have emphatically decided that it is time I stand up for myself, accept what has been done and create a new life, walk down an out of the way trail with my head high, devising a new plan of attack, in a manner of speaking, abandoning all that has been, looking forward to what is yet to be.  I must admit that I am intimidated by such thought provoking notions, that perhaps I just may get ALL that my HEART desires (and really it isn’t much).  I’ve been trying to balance the beam alone for so long that I’ve forgotten there are others’ willing to make the ride less daunting.  I know what it is that should be done, however; the realization that I may in turn be ‘HAPPY’ scares me even more so than I assume it should.  It’s a never ending task I’ve set before myself, and I know that some days are going to be worse than others’ and that it takes time to heal ALL wounds.  I am willing at this very moment to take all of that clutter out of the closet, stuff it in bags and toss them for good. I can’t say whether or not something somewhere may or may not crop up, yet I am still willing.  WHEWWWW!!!  Here we go! Wish me LUCK!

August 8, 2012

Quick fixes, easy money, mind over matter…is it all really as easy as pie?  I’d like to think so, but for some odd reason or another, my own mind tells me it’s not so.  I wince, I cry, I beg and plead, and yet I seem to be standing still.  Moving forward seems almost impossible some days, yet I trudge…trudge one half of a step at a time and more often than not it’s in reverse.  I have fallen and picked myself up so many fucking times that my ass is calloused; my knees are numb as is my entire being.  I have been through or as so many say, put myself through the wringer so many times that it’s on auto pilot.  Who do I turn to when I need comforting, or a shoulder to cry on, someone to tell me that all will be okay?  I’ll tell you who!  I turn to no one.  I have myself and myself only to place blame, to comfort, to lean on… Sure I have family who ‘help’ me out of some situations, yet where are they when I’ve hit bottom, when I need to be pulled to my feet again, when I’m in such emotional pain that my heart feels as if it will explode.  I hear the same old shit from the same fucking mouths, “you made your bed”, or the conversation is completely twisted and now it’s ALL about them, as usual. Do I ask too much?  I wonder if I truly have a place to fit in, even if in the cracks or shadows.  The anxiety builds, and then I panic and panic more.  Anger begins to set in and the whirlwind of emotions that cannot be controlled come full circle and I push people away.  I push them so far that the future holds no hope.  What I once dreamed of is now nonexistent.  Saddening to actually realize that I do such horrific things to those I cherish.  It’s so frustrating, my mind doesn’t allow me to put anything in order any longer, and it’s a mess as am I.  A deaf ear hears my cries more than anyone else could ever. Whoever said this was going to be easy can “KISS MY ASS!” It’s an overindulgence so to speak, the beginning of an emotional burn-out as well as overhaul. 

Letting Go

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring;
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off...
It's the realization that I can't control another...
To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try and change or blame another,
I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective,
It is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.

-Unknown

It Takes Courage

It takes strength to be firm,


It takes courage to be gentle.



It takes strength to conquer,

It takes courage to surrender.



It takes strength to be certain,

It takes courage to have doubt.



It takes strength to fit in,

It takes courage to stand out.



It takes strength to feel a friend's pain,

It takes courage to feel your own pain.



It takes strength to endure abuse,

It takes courage to stop it.



It takes strength to stand alone,

It takes courage to lean on another.



It takes strength to love,

It takes courage to be loved.



It takes strength to survive,

It takes courage to live.

The Paradoxical Commandments (Do It Anyway)

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.

Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.

Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.

Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.

Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.

Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down

by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.

Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.

Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.

Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.

Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.

Give the world the best you have anyway.