July 21, 2012

Where do I begin, and for that matter where am I?  Have I sunken so low that I can't see what's been placed before me?  My children, family, the few people I consider "friends".  It's sickening how the mind operates sometimes, and yet I wonder often, why ME?  Why do I continue to push people away?  I don't do any of this intentionally and yet it seems I have no control.  I've allowed myself to sink to levels so low, the lows' I once new and swore I would never visit again.  I've claimed my life back and given up more times than I care to remember.  I'm stuck and want out of here.   What do I know.  I know this much...if I continue to allow shit to control me I will eventually lose everything that I've worked so hard to gain, whether it amounts to much or not, I've busted my ass to get where I am today.  I continue to allow FEAR to control me, every aspect of my life is controlled by this bullshit.  I cry constantly because I'm afraid.  WHAT THE FUCK? It's a rant day, I know that it is because my thoughts are scrambled.  I want so much out of life, I can see it, almost touch it yet I'm scared.  Is that fair?  Am I fair?  Do I ask too much or demand too much of myself or others?  UGHHHH.  I need to sort my thoughts and get back to this...