July 17, 2012

That moment when I realize all that I see is a mere mirage.  I've been searching for so long I forgot what it was I had set out to seek.  Why must I sit on the side lines and wait?  Have I been looking too hard and for too long, that everything is a blurr?  It's time I turn my search inward (SCARY) and find myself.  What I thought was me is obviously another mirage.  I remember brief moments when I knew who I was, and what it was I wanted, but I've allowed it to be brushed to the side, because I've been too damn busy putting others' needs, wants and whatever else, in front of my own.  FUCK!  Sounds sickening, even saddening.  I allow others' to dictate my thoughts, my actions, my desires, my needs, and the worst part of it all is I accept it.  I AM A FUCKING FOOL! I said it, "I AM A FUCKING FOOL!"  Maybe I long too much for comfort FROM MYSELF, from another?  May sound ridiculous but it could very well be.  I walk around solomn and blue, because (here it is) I ALLOW OTHERS' TO DICTATE MY MOOD!  I thought, as I continuously do; that once I stopped drinking, (2 YEARS TODAY) life would turn itself around and become this blossoming, wonderful, full of laughter, life and LOVE, kind of life.  I would be so happy that I would make myself physically sick.  It's definitely not any of that.  I'm miserable.  I'm sad.  I'm scared.  I'm anxious, and paranoid. It's a roller coaster of emotional turmoil, that I can't get past.  I WANT TO!  I TRULY DO!  So I'll get off this ride, hand in my ticket stub, and walk away, feeling empty and alone, I'll step outside of the box for a moment to see my surroundings for one last time before I resign to my shell.  It's form fitting and safe.  It's been hardened over the years, and nothing can penetrate it.  I'll then build up my wall, and reinforce it so I can't cause another any pain either.  I don't think reinforcement is the answer.  DAMN!!!!  What's next?  I do know this emotional turbulance has taken it's toll on me, emotionally as well as physically and I can not for one more second, endure another ride.  My feet are planted firmly, for this moment anyway.  I'm ready to take my place, and push past my past, and move forward no matter how painful it may be. TWO YEARS!  That's truly an accomplishment for me.  TWO YEARS! WOW!  It feels good to say that.  I have two years sober today.  I'll pat myself on the back, because each milestone I've had myself to lean on.  No one else, just me!  That feels good too.  I've done this all on MY OWN!  I need to get back on track, I need to do me!  Ciao!