July 1, 2012

I've been awe inspired lately by brut force placed upon myself, by none other than myself to share my thoughts, whether they pertain to myself or others' is out of my control.  I allow the words to flow through my finger tips, tapping at the keys in what seems like absolute desperation.  I've been re-reading past posts and came across that every so dreaded question I was asked more than 20 years ago.  "When I see my reflection, what does my reflection see?"  For the life of me I haven't been able to see past the end of my nose inspight of myself lately.  I sit in self pity, with much regret.  Me?  Regret?  Yes!  I do in fact have regrets.   My reflection?  Well she has seen me fall to my knees, break down and beg, my heart break into a million pieces, yet for some reason I continue to get back on my feet, brush myself off as best as I can, and trudge that lonesome road.  Some days more so than others' I wonder what lies ahead.  Is there another bolder in my way, that I need to overcome?  What I've realized is that through all of this, the self inflicted torment, the tricks my mind plays on me, I haven't had a drink.  I have most definitely had the most obscure desires to, but I haven't.  Oddly enough, I may have in the past, and I can't explain why I haven't.  I have had every opportunity to.  I have every excuse imaginable already lined up, in the event that I did.  I've often thought that I may have been happier, but in all reality, I wasn't happy, I was numb.  Comfortably numb, incoherent, buzzed, drunk!  It plays over and over in my mind (sick as it may be).  What I wouldn't give to have just one.  I know what will happen.  One will by no means be enough, one bottle perhaps, leading to another, than popping open the tops of many a beer, and maybe, just maybe the guilt would cause me to keep drinking or stop.  Maybe I wouldn't be able to stop, maybe it would kill me this time.  I'm not certain.  I'm afraid to find out.  There it is again, FEAR.  I'm afraid to have a fucking drink?  I never imagined myself saying such bullshit.  It must be true.  DAMN!  DAMN!  DAMN!  I suppose after reading past blogs that I have surpassed two years.  TWO YEARS WITHOUT A DRINK!!!