July 10, 2012

Here it is once again, “FEAR”, and this time I know it knows no boundaries. It certainly has taken shelter alongside all else in my life, and has become the dominating factor above all else. Why must I persistently allow this thing, this unseen, obstacle take refuge? It restricts all that I set out to do, at first without full knowledge that I am allowing such to take place; nonetheless, I am allowing it to command my every waking movement, action, reaction however elusive they all may be. This FEAR of mine has devoured my hopes and dreams, spat them out, and scattering the pieces far and wide so that I may never pick them up and put them back together again. Why? I ask only this simple question, “WHY?” Is it so complex a question? What happens next? I’ve been finding excuses, seemingly valid, but excuses nonetheless. I’ve been doubting myself and my abilities; allowing my mind to fill with scatterbrained but piercing questions. I have found myself searching hysterically for a diversion, and embracing my fears. Something seems off and I cannot for the life of me pinpoint it. I am paralyzed, yet completely aware of the on goings. What is it that is preventing me from arriving at my destination? Where is that destination exactly? I believe I had a birds’ eye view at some point in time, but lost sight of it somewhere down that barren road I love to trudge alone. Is my mind so shadowed due to my past, that the light that shines through isn’t enough? I take cover under the shadows of myself, as lonely as it may be there; it’s where I can be me. Is FEAR taking that leap of faith, like plunging into the ocean, holding your breathe; swimming out to sea and praying to GOD you make it back to shore? I have single-handedly distributed my life preservers to those I suspected needed them more than I needed them myself. I am standing here unprotected and petrified. I want to take that first step yet there is something tugging at my inner heart strings preventing me. Is it FEAR? Am I so afraid of success that I am willing to allow this inborn, invisible “THING”, take complete control once again? I’ll be damned! I am! I am scared to death, to say the least. What if?