July 30, 2012

     Here it comes again, that ever so loving feeling of discontent.  I can't explain why or how or to what degree I am feeling such, because it attacks me suddenly.  I have to get away from myself today.  The need supersedes the desire to escape.  I want to take a trip even if a day trip, somewhere, hell, ANYWHERE will do right now.
     Love and roadblocks.  WOW!  Now that's random, but factual.  Why must there be conditions attached to love, being loved and loving someone?  Is this a common thing that most who fall in, or have been in love face?  Why do I even sit here and tap at the keys?  I really didn't need to ask that, however; I suppose I'm waiting for the answer to appear as I type.  I have to put one foot in front of the other right now because if I don't I will fall to my knees, and I haven't the courage nor the strength to pick myself up today.  I am exausted both physically and emotionally. I have been noticing lately though, that I am able to become frustrated, then angry and somehow let it go. I may bark for a few minutes or even longer and at the end of the evening when my eyes are heavy, that's all that's heavy; my eyes! It really does feel wonderful, not drifting off to sleep angry. Thank you.

July 28, 2012

I opened my eyes last night. It may have been only momentarily but I opened them nevertheless. I was thrown aback almost breathless to say the least. It was indeed a most certain moment of clarity. Standing in a somewhat crowded room and hearing only the sound of my heart thumping, my breath heavy yet steady, palms clammy and almost in a daze, I saw what it was I have been searching for. I couldn’t touch it and definitely could not see it. What it was; was a sense of peace. It flowed over me like nothing I have ever experienced in my entire life. As I stood there trembling in absolute fear, that rush that took over, calmed me almost instantaneously. I was almost comforted by its presence. I still feel its presence today. Perhaps….just perhaps.

July 26, 2012

I am confused today.  There is no way around it.  I've tried to reason with myself and I come full circle.  The heart wants what the heart WANTS.  It's that simple I suppose, and if so, why oh why must it be so painstaking?  Why must there be bullets to dodge, hurdles to leap, oceans to cross, just to make sense of it all?  I feel as if I'm zigzagging here.  Ugghhhhh!

STRENGTH.....

How does one (in particularly me) define inner strength? Strength defined is virtue (a pattern of thought or behaviors), courage (the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty), the ability to withstand...etc...etc... If I am as strong as I am told, than I should not be living in constant fear, I should have the ability to face it, to withstand all.  I don't see myself as that strong individual, perhaps years ago, I had the strength others' believe I possess.  I feel weakened and broken; as if I have been to battle and all had been lost.  I feel lost, and alone, afraid (YES FEAR, I am acknowledging you once again) I carry myself so as to portray a strong woman, but inside my shell, I am still that little girl, timid and shy, wanting to run and hide.  I put my feelings aside for others' because I see they need what I feel I lack.  STRENGTH!  Perhaps I do have a tad left.  I've been seeking answers outside of myself these past few days, and have discovered that I want to help, I want to be a part of this journey...LIFE...not only to benefit myself, yet to guide others'.  I have thrown a line out and it lays dormant.  No takers.  I want to be there, I need to be.  It's my nature...to help others'.  I am most certainly rambling.

'LIVE LIFE NOT WITHOUT FEAR, BUT WITH GALLANTRY AGAINST IT' - Christian L J Silver

Breaking out of ME

Breaking out of the old me...this is exactly what I'm aiming to accomplish here.  I haven't known who I am for quite some time and having TIME on my hands I have had nothing to do but delve solely into that; ME!  It was terrifying at first and then as I sat with myself and my thoughts I began to understand. I can not expect to come out of a coma and pick up where I left off unless by some miracle.  I realize that it's going to take patience and time.  Time is of the essence so they say, but patience, I have none left.  I am fed up!  I'm tired of making mistake after mistake. I'm tired, I'm sick and fucking tired.  Having to pick up the pieces of myself as if I've been through a battle and the carnage left behind is strewn for miles.  I'm sick of feeling that there is no end in sight.  I'm drained, both physically and emotionally.  There is absolutely nothing left for me to fight for other than myself, my dignity (what's left of it).  I have minimal strength left and the courage I used to know, has taken shelter, trembling with unease, because it knows not what lies ahead yet what has been left behind.  It's the same tale over and over again as I see it.  I will overcome this and when all is said and done, those who have helped me through this journey, this discovery of self, will prevail as well as I, and I will recognize and be most grateful. I think I can, (The Little Engine that Could), I think I can, I think I can....

July 21, 2012

Where do I begin, and for that matter where am I?  Have I sunken so low that I can't see what's been placed before me?  My children, family, the few people I consider "friends".  It's sickening how the mind operates sometimes, and yet I wonder often, why ME?  Why do I continue to push people away?  I don't do any of this intentionally and yet it seems I have no control.  I've allowed myself to sink to levels so low, the lows' I once new and swore I would never visit again.  I've claimed my life back and given up more times than I care to remember.  I'm stuck and want out of here.   What do I know.  I know this much...if I continue to allow shit to control me I will eventually lose everything that I've worked so hard to gain, whether it amounts to much or not, I've busted my ass to get where I am today.  I continue to allow FEAR to control me, every aspect of my life is controlled by this bullshit.  I cry constantly because I'm afraid.  WHAT THE FUCK? It's a rant day, I know that it is because my thoughts are scrambled.  I want so much out of life, I can see it, almost touch it yet I'm scared.  Is that fair?  Am I fair?  Do I ask too much or demand too much of myself or others?  UGHHHH.  I need to sort my thoughts and get back to this...

July 19, 2012

"MISTAKES are part of the dues one pays for a FULL life". - Sophia Loren

July 17, 2012

That moment when I realize all that I see is a mere mirage.  I've been searching for so long I forgot what it was I had set out to seek.  Why must I sit on the side lines and wait?  Have I been looking too hard and for too long, that everything is a blurr?  It's time I turn my search inward (SCARY) and find myself.  What I thought was me is obviously another mirage.  I remember brief moments when I knew who I was, and what it was I wanted, but I've allowed it to be brushed to the side, because I've been too damn busy putting others' needs, wants and whatever else, in front of my own.  FUCK!  Sounds sickening, even saddening.  I allow others' to dictate my thoughts, my actions, my desires, my needs, and the worst part of it all is I accept it.  I AM A FUCKING FOOL! I said it, "I AM A FUCKING FOOL!"  Maybe I long too much for comfort FROM MYSELF, from another?  May sound ridiculous but it could very well be.  I walk around solomn and blue, because (here it is) I ALLOW OTHERS' TO DICTATE MY MOOD!  I thought, as I continuously do; that once I stopped drinking, (2 YEARS TODAY) life would turn itself around and become this blossoming, wonderful, full of laughter, life and LOVE, kind of life.  I would be so happy that I would make myself physically sick.  It's definitely not any of that.  I'm miserable.  I'm sad.  I'm scared.  I'm anxious, and paranoid. It's a roller coaster of emotional turmoil, that I can't get past.  I WANT TO!  I TRULY DO!  So I'll get off this ride, hand in my ticket stub, and walk away, feeling empty and alone, I'll step outside of the box for a moment to see my surroundings for one last time before I resign to my shell.  It's form fitting and safe.  It's been hardened over the years, and nothing can penetrate it.  I'll then build up my wall, and reinforce it so I can't cause another any pain either.  I don't think reinforcement is the answer.  DAMN!!!!  What's next?  I do know this emotional turbulance has taken it's toll on me, emotionally as well as physically and I can not for one more second, endure another ride.  My feet are planted firmly, for this moment anyway.  I'm ready to take my place, and push past my past, and move forward no matter how painful it may be. TWO YEARS!  That's truly an accomplishment for me.  TWO YEARS! WOW!  It feels good to say that.  I have two years sober today.  I'll pat myself on the back, because each milestone I've had myself to lean on.  No one else, just me!  That feels good too.  I've done this all on MY OWN!  I need to get back on track, I need to do me!  Ciao!

July 10, 2012

Here it is once again, “FEAR”, and this time I know it knows no boundaries. It certainly has taken shelter alongside all else in my life, and has become the dominating factor above all else. Why must I persistently allow this thing, this unseen, obstacle take refuge? It restricts all that I set out to do, at first without full knowledge that I am allowing such to take place; nonetheless, I am allowing it to command my every waking movement, action, reaction however elusive they all may be. This FEAR of mine has devoured my hopes and dreams, spat them out, and scattering the pieces far and wide so that I may never pick them up and put them back together again. Why? I ask only this simple question, “WHY?” Is it so complex a question? What happens next? I’ve been finding excuses, seemingly valid, but excuses nonetheless. I’ve been doubting myself and my abilities; allowing my mind to fill with scatterbrained but piercing questions. I have found myself searching hysterically for a diversion, and embracing my fears. Something seems off and I cannot for the life of me pinpoint it. I am paralyzed, yet completely aware of the on goings. What is it that is preventing me from arriving at my destination? Where is that destination exactly? I believe I had a birds’ eye view at some point in time, but lost sight of it somewhere down that barren road I love to trudge alone. Is my mind so shadowed due to my past, that the light that shines through isn’t enough? I take cover under the shadows of myself, as lonely as it may be there; it’s where I can be me. Is FEAR taking that leap of faith, like plunging into the ocean, holding your breathe; swimming out to sea and praying to GOD you make it back to shore? I have single-handedly distributed my life preservers to those I suspected needed them more than I needed them myself. I am standing here unprotected and petrified. I want to take that first step yet there is something tugging at my inner heart strings preventing me. Is it FEAR? Am I so afraid of success that I am willing to allow this inborn, invisible “THING”, take complete control once again? I’ll be damned! I am! I am scared to death, to say the least. What if?

July 4, 2012

"When I see my reflection, what does my reflection see?" Today I saw a lonely, scared little girl who can't seem to find a place to fit in anywhere! I'm terrified! My reflection stares back at me with a blank, heartbroken stare, an empty longing stare. YES!!!! I am most definitely scared and alone.

July 1, 2012

I've been awe inspired lately by brut force placed upon myself, by none other than myself to share my thoughts, whether they pertain to myself or others' is out of my control.  I allow the words to flow through my finger tips, tapping at the keys in what seems like absolute desperation.  I've been re-reading past posts and came across that every so dreaded question I was asked more than 20 years ago.  "When I see my reflection, what does my reflection see?"  For the life of me I haven't been able to see past the end of my nose inspight of myself lately.  I sit in self pity, with much regret.  Me?  Regret?  Yes!  I do in fact have regrets.   My reflection?  Well she has seen me fall to my knees, break down and beg, my heart break into a million pieces, yet for some reason I continue to get back on my feet, brush myself off as best as I can, and trudge that lonesome road.  Some days more so than others' I wonder what lies ahead.  Is there another bolder in my way, that I need to overcome?  What I've realized is that through all of this, the self inflicted torment, the tricks my mind plays on me, I haven't had a drink.  I have most definitely had the most obscure desires to, but I haven't.  Oddly enough, I may have in the past, and I can't explain why I haven't.  I have had every opportunity to.  I have every excuse imaginable already lined up, in the event that I did.  I've often thought that I may have been happier, but in all reality, I wasn't happy, I was numb.  Comfortably numb, incoherent, buzzed, drunk!  It plays over and over in my mind (sick as it may be).  What I wouldn't give to have just one.  I know what will happen.  One will by no means be enough, one bottle perhaps, leading to another, than popping open the tops of many a beer, and maybe, just maybe the guilt would cause me to keep drinking or stop.  Maybe I wouldn't be able to stop, maybe it would kill me this time.  I'm not certain.  I'm afraid to find out.  There it is again, FEAR.  I'm afraid to have a fucking drink?  I never imagined myself saying such bullshit.  It must be true.  DAMN!  DAMN!  DAMN!  I suppose after reading past blogs that I have surpassed two years.  TWO YEARS WITHOUT A DRINK!!!

June 30, 2012

     There is no peace within the confines of my mind, it wanders in directions I'm afraid of daily.  I've even gone so far as to strategically place barriers that I assumed would keep my mind safe, yet as all else, I failed.  Failed relationships, failed friendships, just a failure.  I said earlier today that I'm waiting to live, waiting to die, waiting...waiting...waiting. I think that I have waited long enough.

     I have been struggling lately with words that have been thrust in my direction, and the longer they linger the more intense the fear becomes.  I feel like 'Peter Pan'; afraid of my own shadow today.  I've been trying to keep my mind busy by frantically cleaning nooks and crannies I've recently discovered, yet nothing seems to ease my mind.  The thoughts, and ideas that cause my grief, linger, and obscure every last bit of my sanity.  I do believe that this might be another "RANT" day. 

     What more need I say or do in order to allow others' to see "ME"?  I realize that I may seem complicated and my ideals are thrown to the wayside as with all else.  What the fuck does it matter anyway.  I'm delusional and my sense of self is warped.