December 30, 2011

Tis' the eve of the Eve of all Eve's to come.  The ringing in of another New Year is upon me, and this one just as the last I presume I will be spending it alone, but only time will tell!  Another sober New Years' Eve?  Ughhh, what I wouldn't give to have just one drink.  I know however; that one will turn into an endless journey of absolute drunkenness and I will be right back where I was.  A useless, hopeless, worthless woman and mother.  Do I really want to have one drink, or do I just need to focus on the future and all the good (so I've been told) that awaits me?  I think this too shall pass.  Those fucking cliches that tug at my gut are somewhat more appropriate today than days before.  It's high time I start fucking living my life in the present instead of the past.  I'm sick of dwelling on all that once was.  I know what my heart desires and it's right there at my fingertips for the taking if only I can let go.  I've pleaded and begged for guidance and I realize right this very moment that the only guidance I need is found within myself.  It's a burning desire to live, laugh and love, and rightfully so. I deserve that much, don't I? 

December 29, 2011

Once again my old friend..."NEGATIVITY", has taken hold, wrapped it's claws deep into my flesh, and for some unbeknown reason will not loosen his grasp.  The talons are ripping me to shreds, unlike anything I've experienced.  I am scared to death that I'm going to lose all that has been bestowed upon me, including my own self.  There is no other way to describe the overwhelming feeling that has taken control, it's absolute FEAR...I know how I used to deal with these bottled up emotions, I drank myself into oblivion until I could no longer feel anything, I was indeed comfortably numb.  I'm afraid to go back there.  I'm afraid of success, failure, joy, laughter, happiness, love.  It all scares the shit out of me.  I've known misery for so fucking long, it's going to take time, much time for me to realize that not everyone is out to get me, or wanting to hurt me in some way.  I'm accustomed to that as well, hence the reason for so few that are close to me.  Some days I lose the will to live, and yet I find something to hold onto so as not to fall deeper into darkness.  I'm half-way there, and occasionally I feel the rope slip threw my hands, leaving burns that peel flesh that's oh so soft not from my hands but my soul.  I am so tired of MISERY taking control.  How the HELL can I rid myself completely of her (MISERY)? She's a vicious bitch and I've about had all I can take.  I have to move forward before I lose everything, including YOU!  Will somebody please, please help me?

December 28,2011

     Some say that a light may suddenly appear and all of the questions that have been so daunting will come to pass.  However; I don't see it that way.  I've had that light shed upon me, and it hurts like hell, almost as if a knife with jagged edges is being twisted deeper into my soul.  The pain of realization is much like that of a brutal beating, which I have endured many of, both emotionally and physically.  I cannot allow myself to fall prey today, tomorrow not ever.  My character has been lost in all of the lies that I had lived, all of the dreams I've had were just that....DREAMS.... I thought that life was going to treat me with kindness and love, yet I somehow was swayed in the opposite direction of kindness and all of those dreams that once were, were thrown to the wayside like garbage.  I admit I had some doing in all of the tossing of my own dreams, yet not completely.  I cannot place blame on others' yet they are aware the damages done, and for me to forgive, is inconceivable.  I try daily to please most everyone, certain individuals more so than others' in hopes that I might rid myself of some of the guilt that haunts me.  The more effort I place on pleasing others' the less of a being I become.  It's robotic almost.

     I want to live a life that's full of LOVE...whatever LOVE is....wherever it may take me, I want that.  

     I'm tired of being pushed and shoved in directions I have no desire to face. I need to make my own paths and travel the directions that I wish to without influences.  I can accept guidance and the occasional constructive criticism however the verbal beat downs, and physical as well as emotional abuse are no longer going to be welcomed.  I will not roll out the welcome mat and accept it, I can't.  It's too fucking painful.  Find another victim.  I will not lie down and pretend that I no longer feel, I will not be trampled nor will I be devoured by others' hateful and hurtful words, for they too cut like knives.  I have scars, physical scars, emotional scars that are daily reminders of where I've been and what I've lived through.  I cannot endure another day as those days before. I realize also that some may see me as a careless and thoughtless mother, and those that view me in those ways are clueless.  You don't know what I have lived through, what I have been witness to, how much pain I endured both physically and emotionally.  For that matter unless one asks...NO ONE KNOWS ME!

December 27, 2011

I have noticed that in the past year and the most recent months that the negativity I allow to control my thoughts as well as my actions, has more of an affect on my own self-worth than anything else.  I have tortured myself for so many years believing that I was worthless and hopeless.  I believed that all to be true, that I was delusional and my sense of self was warped, all of these things were brought on by my own actions and reactions to situations I allowed myself to be held hostage by.  I am no longer bound, and I can hear my own thoughts scurrying frantically around in my mind to find a safe haven to hide only to present themselves later.  I can't allow it.  For the past few days, I've noticed a change within myself, scary to say the least that I have the ability to actually feel the changes and be witness of my own actions and reactions.

December 15, 2011

That overwhelming unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach is back once again, as if to say, "I've neglected you."  "Really?" I'm wondering if I invite the demons in with a warm welcome or do they creep up like I've suspected they do?  When will I learn to walk away?  When will it be my turn to bask in the sun and the glory?  How much more SHIT do I need to put myself through, how much more SHIT do I need to endure?  Am I really bullshitting myself by not wanting to deal with my past and how it's affected me today?  I don't see it as bullshit, avoidance yes.  Neglecting to relive painful experiences?  YES!  I'll agree to that much too.  Why continuously dig up the past and allow it to fester until I can no longer deal with the wreckage that it's caused and I implode.  UGGHHHH!!!! I AM COMPLETELY BESIDE MYSELF! 

December 14, 2011

It's an absolute catastrophe when I finally realized that I am by no means happy with the direction my life has taken me. It's hell working at a dead end job, juggling paychecks just trying to make ends meet, and still find the little extra for my children.  Why does it seem the harder I work, the longer the days seem, the less I have to show for it.  I'm sick and tired of this life already, time for drastic measures.  If I'm going to be anything or achieve a fucking thing I need to step outside of "the box" so to speak.  I've become complacent and have settled into something that is by no means "ME".  I'm drained daily, both physically and emotionally.  Some days I wonder more often than not what the fuck my purpose in life is...am I meant to struggle for the rest of my days?  Will I ever see that "silver lining" that others' have told me about?  It's killing me, knowing that I've been working my fucking ass off for nothing.  I don't benefit from it, I never have.  I've always been the caretaker of others' and it's high time I put an end to all of it, but HOW?  It takes all that I possess to get my ass up most mornings and make the trip just to wallow in self-loathing pity.  YES....pity, I pity myself, I can, it's my fucking prerogative.  I guess if I think about it, I can do whatever the fuck I want.  FUCK!  Why haven't I told myself this before.  Why haven't I realized before this that I am worth more than I settle for?  What have I been thinking all of these years and for that matter what the fuck is wrong with me for thinking I needed to settle.  I used to have dreams and goals that I was intent on striving for.  I lost sight of them, and myself.  With a little help from a certain someone I am realizing that I no longer need to settle, that my life is worth much more than I realize.  I will be moving forward and those that are willing to trudge the road less traveled with me will be a part of my life for always.  I will no longer stand in the corner while the rest of the fucking world  lives life, laughing and loving.  I want love, but do I truly know how to achieve such.  Do I know how to love for that matter?  I've set aside my own desires and needs for the sake of others for too fucking long now, I will not allow myself to be their prey.  If this is to be the road less traveled for me, then I will walk it by candle light. 

I've asked myself for years what it is I see when I see my reflection looking back at me, and to this day I am not sure I am prepared to answer that question.  Perhaps, the uncertainty of who I am supposed to be is clouding that mirrored image.  The insanity of it all is rather amusing at times although tears not laughter may be present, I still find a moment in every day to perhaps just giggle.  Not that I'm giggling because I am overjoyed but overwhelmed with the outcome of certain situations.  I wonder, will I ever learn.  There's alot of uncertainty I'm experiencing right this very moment, and it's frustrating. Uncertainty about myself about my future.  I worry and I worry a lot.  I'm frightened most days, fuck, I'm scared to death most days.  I still wish I could hide behind my mothers' skirt, and pretend that I was invisible, I felt safe there.  Life was simple then, and somehow, somewhere that safety net was gone, like it was torn from my grasp, that's the day I began to understand FEAR.

December 12, 2011

There are few things in life that give me absolute pleasure, and I haven't the slightest idea today what those things might be.  I've lost focus for so long that all of those things that I once thought were pleasurable turned out not so...It's rough terrain, and I've been traveling alone for such a long time now.  Falling off the beaten path, venturing into the wilderness, almost losing myself completely, but I am here, somehow, someway, someone thought me worthy enough to be spared the misery that lay at the end of that path I was trudging.  I'm putting all of my eggs (my faith) into one basket now in hopes that whomever or whatever it was that redirected me is doing so for the better.  I have nothing to lose but everything to gain or so I've heard it said a million times over. i believe but can't be certain that I'm gaining, perhaps only perspective but gaining nonetheless. I have taken the life that I've been given for granted and am just now learning how to live, slowly, but I'm learning.  Some may say that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but I am living proof that with a little will-power and the perseverance to move forward change is inevitable.  I am scared to death most days, and the fear overpowers all else, yet I always find that miniscule glimmer of hope, and hold onto it for dear life until the fear subsides, even if momentarily.