June 30, 2010

So I sit silently while thoughts scatter through my mind, not in any particular order, and wonder what it is exactly I am supposed to be thinking, does that make the least bit of sense? I'll be damned if I know the answer to that stupid question. I always thought I was in complete control of my life, but (HELLO) my indecisiveness is what is actually controlling me, it has nothing to do with life, living, none of it or does it? Who the heck knows. I guess I'm one of the ones' that sees herself as the martyr (so to speak not necessarily in the context of the definition). Who am I to judge anyone other than myself, only GOD has that right, or does he? I can ramble on about a specific topic and then again about absolutely nothing (so I've been told I ramble about nothing more often than not). This is it, this is my last stop, I have no other stops along the way to make. Well ya know I actually do, and they all gather in my subconscious, waiting for that right moment in time to present themselves. Is it socially unacceptable to place yourself in a box and close the lid, or perhaps bury yourself in work, and family and while doing so neglect your (my) own thoughts and hopes and dreams. What the hell, I'm certain we have all done that, yea I am. That wall that I once thought would be destroyed in it's entirety is stronger and higher than ever these days, I need that moat, you know the one, so as to keep intruders' out, and the draw bridge will not be extended to those I do not deem worthy, not now, not again, F#$% NOT EVER. Is this considered rambling or...NOPE I AM RAMBLING. It feels good to talk about or should I say write about absolutely nothing. Speaking of nothing, there's a movie "The Never Ending Story", about the "NOTHING", the Nothing is exactly that, "NOTHING", it overcomes the divine conscience of us all (especially me) nothing to believe in because all hope has been lost, a fantasy world where dreams live and when belief dissipates so do those dreams, my dreams, I've lost them, I know they were there a moment ago, but for this one moment in time I've actually lost them. Damn I am emotionally, physically, psychologically drained, can I laugh at that, is that even funny, when I laugh am I actually, is it a gut-wrenching, muscle straining laugh, F#$% no it's not, it's a facade (a mask, and no not deceptive) just like everyone else is wearing, uncertain of myself, my surroundings, yea that sounds about right. So if the end is a beginning and it's the beginning of the end where the F#$% do I really start?

Bits & pieces

A friend handed this to me and said you can either throw it away (which by the way is what I have always done in the past) or use it, it's not going to make much sense because it's a compilation of multiple songs all in one....

Waiting for the moment when the moment has been waiting all the time

Staring at the golden heights wondering are your ready for the climb

Are you ready for this

Are you ready for that

Are you ready for this

Focus your eyes

Will you take the chance \A new perspective

A new state of mind

Always on the edge of what could be the greatest moment in this life

Only to wonder in delight

You gotta let it go

You gotta let it go

Wanting to feel

Just what it means to be free

There’s no reason

For deceiving

Focus your eyes

A new perspective

A new state of mind

Sometimes you feel you want to run away from it all

Sometimes you heart the voices of the past come to call

But there’s no giving up when you are giving it all

Hoping

Forgiving

And loving

The qualities of life

Designing

The future

A new state of mind

You’ve gotta set it out

You gotta tear it out

No escaping

What you’ve got on your mind

There’s a reason

For your Being

Focus your eyes

A new perspective

A new state of mind

I know you’re so complicated

I know always making time

I see it takes you to the very edge

Don’t be afraid, afraid of letting go

It’s all that you can do

Just give & take

Don’t take too much

Give & take

You gotta talk, talk, talk

Reason to talk, talk, talk

Get up, talk talk, talk

Out your system

Talk, talk, talk

Give and take

Never let the good in life desert you

Never let the fools destroy your dreams

Wait! Take your time

Think it through

Yes! You can make it through

See it through

Don’t break the energy

It’s never too late

To make a turnaround

You’ve got to move

In all directions

I believe in you.

June 28, 2010

If EVER I have belittled anyone I apologize, I'm just learning about me all over again. I know what I want, I know exactly what it is that I need, and I also know how I am going to get what it is that I desire. I thought the coddling and the holding of the hand would be motivation enough. Perhaps the screaming and the crying and the absolute desperation when I said I needed help wasn't in fact enough either, but now it's too late. The damage has been done and to reconcile would be absolutely devastating, not only for me, but for my children and any and/or all that have placed themselves in my path. I won't step over you "I PROMISE", I may trip over you in hopes that someone would be willing and perhaps even able to help me back to my feet and guide me back in the right direction. DAMN! You know I am so sick and tired of taking the low f@#$ing road, I want the high road, I want the narrow one that leads to MY happiness, not yours but MINE. I deserve at least that much, happiness that is. I'm done worrying about whether or not others' are going to step up to the plate, the damage is done. I know asking for what you need is an absolute MUST, but I'm so scared to ask I feel as though that's all I ever do is ask (OKAY) I'm going in, I'm going to do this one last time. I should feel ashamed of myself, but I don't, I'm disgusted! How much more can I endure? How much more manipulation can I tolerate, or is it me who is the manipulator? I don't believe so, life hasn't been that easy and/or kind to me (set aside my beautiful children GOD's gift to me) I've always risen above, but I want to do more than rise above, I want to see and feel that silver lining everyone refers to. "I WANT IT ALL, WHY CAN'T I HAVE IT ALL?" I'm tired of groveling, I'm just genuinely tired, not sick and tired, just tired. When will enough be enough, haven't I learned my damn lesson yet? I believe I have! My heart I think is in my damn throat, once again I can hear it beating, but it's not really beating it's pounding, I can hardly catch my breathe. "GOD!" CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW, CAN YOU HEAR MY SCREAMS AT NIGHT, CAN YOU TASTE MY FEAR,because I can, it has that ever so familiar taste of blood, the taste you can't shake. I'm willing to go the extra length NOW, perhaps not so willing in the past but I am willing, able and ready NOW!

June 25, 2010

Holy sh*t, my anxiety level is up, I'm having a difficult time focusing so I'm attempting multi-tasking; which I must add I do very well. I never thought I'd say this but; THIS SUCKS, I could really use a drink, just to calm my nerves, but that's what I always say. My heart is pounding so hard I can hear it, I'm shaking, must be my nerves and rightfully so, this is absolutely ridiculous. I'm having bouts with my emotions...I think I can...I think I can...damn...I know I can. Why do we (I) do this to ourselves, can someone please explain, and don't come at me with it's a disease because I wasn't born with a tequila bottle and nipple sticking out of my mouth, so why me? WHY ME GOD? Why? Not a dry eye here and I can't seem to control the tears today, and for those of you who might be wondering, I'm not crying "poor me, poor me, pour me another drink", (so cliche). I just okay Kelly, breathe in, hold it, release. Okay I am fine. WHEW! I do know this, I cannot do it alone (oops that's NA - Never Alone) nonetheless, day seven (7) am I sober or just drying up and if so what's next? Now I know that a good workout tones the body, but what tones' ones' way of thinking, spiritual guidance what? Hello? I'm screaming on the outside and I can't stop, my mind is wondering, what the hell have I been thinking all of these years. I know just a nightcap, one drink just to relax then another and another, and by the time I know it, woo hoo, I am feeling good, not anymore, focus Kelly FOCUS for f@#$ sake. I used to (I still do) condemn alcoholics, how the hell do you become alcohol dependent, well I'll tell you how, one day at a time, that's how, and that's how I am becoming a sober (dry) mom, friend, sister, daughter, that's how I'm doing it, that and a little help from my friends.

June 24, 2010

I realize now the impact my drinking has had on my family and friends, what the hell was I thinking and for how long have I been lost? WOW!! I obviously haven't taken into consideration anyone other than myself, so does that really make me selfish, or just blinded by a substance trying to bury myself in the bottle? It's a strange feeling actually and it's only been less than a week, I have energy that's been lost, and it's awesome. I'm able to actually function, fall asleep, wake up at a decent hour get off to work, and work an entire day, I'm not saying that I'm not thinking about having a drink cuz I'd be an absolute liar, but then again I've been called a liar for more years than I care to recall. I can honestly see clearly now, isn't this just absolutely crazy. I listen to friends talking about partying and I think to myself, damn, just one more drink then I'll stop, but I know me, and I'm sure everyone else knows me, one isn't going to do, maybe two or three, damn the entire bottle, that's what I've become; a bottle. Why have I allowed this to happen, I cannot honestly answer without placing blame on someone or something else, seems odd, but it's a fact. I can say that stress has definitely played a major roll in my drinking, and it's not an excuse it's a reality.

June 23, 2010

Was focusing more on work than my sobriety today, therefore wasn't much to discuss tomorrow is a new day.

June 22, 2010

Powerless by definition: lacking strength or power, helpless and totally useless. Weak, vulnerable, defenseless, incapable perhaps as well, but when we think about powerlessness we (I) don't associate all of these along with it. I am fragile, yet unbreakable, I am weak yet I have the strength of 1000 men, I am all of these and more. I refuse to allow some innate object promoted by society control my life any longer. I have reached "out" in the past, asked for forgiveness, but I think about it I am the only one I need to forgive in order to move forward. I'll tell you these past few days might have been hell on someone else as for me, I'm feeling awake, alive, I'm seeing things in new perspective. I'm not comfortably numb, or even buzzed, yet I still feel as though I may be in some sense of the word numb. I'm numb because I allowed myself to become that of which I condemn, an alcoholic of all sorts. Now I know that there are some that are off worse than myself but genuinely speaking we all suffer the same. The emotional, psychological, physical aspects of being an addict are all one in the same, so therefore are we. There are all types of addicts, and I'm not talking about substance abuse whatsoever; I'm talking about the ones' who think they know best, when in fact there fighting with there own self-loathing, self-pitying monkeys on their own backs. We need to band together to stand up and shout, (even if at first no one at all hears us), because I will not under any circumstance allow myself to become prisoner to a f@*#ing bottle or anything else for that matter, not now not ever again. I realized that music is an absolute inspiration for the heart and soul. "I can see clearly now the rain is gone...I can see all obstacles in my way," but for the grace of GOD there go I.

June 21, 2010

Just to inform any and all whom may be the least bit interested...I am doing fine...Day 2...much harder than I actually anticipated, but this is something I need to do to maintain my sanity, my life and everything else that goes along with it, I suppose. On my way into work this morning there was a jingle playing over the radio saying something about Second Chances...second chances I thought to myself, what the hell, they must be pulling my chain, however the song ended and I felt rejuvenated to some extent. I know now that what I must do is this, maintain my sobriety forever this so I used to think was an option, but in all actuality there are no alternatives when it comes to ones' sobriety , be it drugs or alcohol. Desperation has taken complete control of me, and now I see myself facing myself, asking that once dreaded question that I so often threw out there to others'. "When I look in the mirror and see my reflection, what does my reflection see?" The question being asked is deeper and more meaningful then anything I have ever encountered, I've answered this before so I've thought, but not in detail, without thought. I see my reflection, every morning as a matter of fact and I only see my reflection, there's no one looking back at me, or maybe there is but she's not ready to reveal her true self, and if she does, will the reflection as well as the woman looking into the mirror recognize themselves, or are they complete strangers'? It may seem as though I'm rambling on but this is exactly what I do best, ramble. Jot random thoughts and questions down, for my own personal use later on. I've tried to keep a journal but always ended up throwing the damn thing out, so I've opted this blog, much easier and GREEN. Who would of thought, me of all people starting a blog, but I'm not doing this for myself alone, I'm trying to let you all know that there are some of us out there that have been begging for true companionship, true friendships, and it seems to us that those types of relationships (or relationshits as some like to call it) don't exist. I don't as so has been stated hurt myself intentionally, and I certainly don't intentionally hurt those that I love or who have been my support system all along whether I've accepted that or not. I need to find MY CENTER, I need not cater to others', or allow others' to manipulate me, it's not gonna happen, not now, not tomorrow, not ever. I am moving forward with or without you. I have enough baggage of my own that I've collected over the years, I refuse to carry anyone else's. So there I've said it.

Soul Searching

I can't control myself...I started a blog, because I felt it would help me get a better understanding of what it is that causes me to drink. so with that, I may come across as a cold and callous woman but I am not. I have no excuses for my actions other than it's an escape, and it's taken control of me. Now I'm on my hands and knees, looking in directions I never thought imaginable, asking everyone to forgive me including GOD. So there it is...complete desperation has taken over every emotion, every movement I make. I am scared to death, I feel completely lost and alone. You've heard the saying, "standing in a crowded room screaming on the top of your lungs, yet no one seems to hear those screams", I am that one standing in that crowded room, screaming so loud that I lose my voice. My voice, my opinions, my dreams, my hopes, it seems as though I've completely washed them away. I don't know myself, and I'm afraid to. What if I don't like who I am, then what? I know I don't like who I've become. I feel stagnated, and have for a very long time. I know it's only me who can change what I've become, but for some reason I haven't been able to take that first step, thus I am here pouring my soul out for all to read in hopes that I will through the voices and eyes of others' get a better understanding of myself.

Starting Over

We've all been down that road, you know the one, bends and obstacles staring at us head on, and us (me) with the blinders on as not to stray from the path laid out before me; however it doesn't always work out the way I had intended it to, perhaps it's my mindset or something else pounding it's way through my mind, either way I am starting over, starting today, no excuses and I am not turning back this time. For so long I've allowed men to manipulate my way of thinking, and I'm not saying I haven't put up a fight, but for some strange and mysterious reason I've allowed others to control what I do, or how I do it, and in turn have sunken so low that the light everyone speaks of no longer is visible. I felt that this would be the perfect ending of my pity me days.