October 20, 2015

I often wonder if anyone else would rather be someone other than themselves?  Would I have more of an appreciation for who I am, the struggles I face daily, the turmoil that I encounter constantly?  Would I have a better understanding looking in from the outside knowing what I have experienced in a form foreign to me?  I wonder if I would be more apt for changing myself if I were able to see how I functioned from day to day?  I just wonder....what does it truly mean to be sick and tired of being sick and tired?  What if I am so sick and tired I just lie down and die?  What if that's all it truly means?  So many what if's to be had that I am almost clueless.  The conductor in my head is screaming full steam ahead and I'm not prepared for the obscene amount of thoughts that are about to be unloaded when this train pulls into it's final destination.  Give me strength because I haven't any left.  I sit here isolated not only from society but from myself as well, if one can make any sense of that.  Oddly enough I still sit here, somber and silent.

September 22, 2015

The fear that resides within is insurmountably intense and debilitating.

September 15, 2015

I have had enough. I am ready to meet whomever MY maker is. Please get me the fuck out of here!!!!_

I Hope You Never Understand

I hope you never know what it’s like to wake up and wish you hadn’t. Not because you’re tired and you want another few minutes of sleep; not because you’re hungover; not because it’s Monday and you don’t want to go to work.
I mean you wake up, and you realize tomorrow came — and it’s not a good feeling. I mean you wake up and you open your eyes, only to close them right away and silently will yourself away from it all. I mean you wake up and you are disappointed that you didn’t, by some miracle, die in your sleep.

Quite simply, I mean waking up is just a reminder that you haven’t escaped your life yet. You’re still here. And I hope you never understand what it’s like to wish you weren’t here.
I hope you never understand what it’s like to be unable to get out of bed. Not physically — because physically, you are capable. Your legs work. Your heart is beating. But I hope you never understand what it’s like to be unable to move simply because your thoughts are crippling you. I hope you never understand what it’s like to be held in place, stuck there, battling with yourself within your own mind. Swing that leg out and touch the floor. Take a step. Get out of the bed.
I hope you never understand what it’s like to forget what happiness feels like. I hope you never feel like there’s no way out of your sadness. I hope you never get overcome by numbness. I hope you never experience that feeling of pure emptiness. I hope you never feel like there is nothing good, or bad, coming around the corner. I hope you never feel like you can’t imagine there being a future for you.
I hope you never need to rely on people to remind you to eat.
I hope you never need to rely on people to remind you to sleep or to be awake.
I hope you never need to rely on people to remind you to take your multiple medications on a daily basis.
I hope you never, ever need to rely on people to hide all the sharp knives in the house so you can’t get hold of them to hurt yourself.
I hope you never, ever need to be checked on every time you take a bath, just because there’s a chance you’re trying to drown yourself.
I hope you never know what it’s like to not be trusted near open windows.
I hope you never have to convince yourself not to jump in front of the train as it approaches on the platform.
I hope you never understand what it means to be afraid of opening the front door and stepping out into the real world.
I hope you never have to force yourself to appear normal and happy when all you want to do is run and hide, and never come out.
I hope you never understand what it feels like to worry that everyone in the world is against you.
I really hope you never understand what it means to feel completely alone while you’re surrounded by people.
I really, really hope you never understand what it means to want to end it all.
I do hope you understand that you can’t always understand.
I do hope you understand that you don’t need to understand.
I do hope you understand that you can’t fix everything.
I hope you understand that no one thinks you can, and no one is expecting you to.
I think you do understand that no one knows the battles other people are fighting.
I think you do understand that we all have our own stories.
I think you understand that we don’t need to understand each other to support each other, and to love each other, and to wish the very best for each other.
I think you can see that all anyone has ever wanted is to be accepted.
So, stand by me. Lie next to me. Sit with me. Talk to me. Stay silent. Hold my hand or smile at me. Tell me you’re with me and that everything will be okay, someday. It might not be now. I know that. I might be hurting for a long time. I might be numb for a long time. I might be happy for a long time, and I might feel myself falling down the tunnel again.
So just tell me you’ll stay with me and you’ll protect me from myself, because that’s who I’m most afraid of.
Tell me you’ll hang out with me until the storm passes. And then, once it has, hang out with me some more.
You don’t have to understand me. I don’t want you to know what this is like, because I know it’s awful, and that’s enough. I don’t want you to know it for yourself.
I just want to know that you’re here with me.

~ Becca Kelly

August 18, 2015

"Standing in the cold, dark bathroom, she hacked into her wrist with a razor blade and quietly stared at the blood that flowed from the cut. She told herself she was a bad person and deserved the pain.
A part of her felt reassured by the sight of the blood – it showed she was alive – since she felt so dead and empty inside. As she stared at her image in the bathroom mirror, she thought, “I have no idea who that person is staring back at me.” Author Unknown

August 17, 2015

After considerable self evaluation I have succumb to my inability to have any sort of "healthy relationship" whether it be intimate or platonic. I do not possess the ability to think logically or perhaps it seems that way. I have struggled for too many long years and no longer feel the desire to struggle. I will give in to the demons if they will back off for a short time.

August 11, 2015

I can spend hours upon days going over in my mind the things that I need to get done in order to move past the past however; when it comes right down to it I haven't the strength nor courage to follow through.  What the fuck is that all about?  If I'm as strong as some say why haven't I the ability to just let go like the rest of the fucking world does?  Why do I harbor shit and allow it to destroy me?  Go figure.WHY DOES MY LIFE HAVE TO BE SO COMPLICATED? WHY?

August 4, 2015

I just hope that I don’t lose my identity to the definition of the illness and that I will have the strength and character to do my best to control it and not let it control me. Stigma does really drain the life out of me!  I am physically and emotionally beat down today!

August 3, 2015

One would think that by now I would have these out of control emotions under some sort of "control" however; they are seemingly worse than ever.  I have often thought of begging for my life to be taken so that I can start over.  The anxiety is ever so overwhelming.  There is not one solitaire moment throughout the course of an entire day that I am not on the edge, waiting for the wind to blow softly or for that gentle push to throw me over.  What more is there to say or do?  I live my life daily in fear.  I cry so much that one would think I had no tears left to shed.  I wish more often than not to disappear. I am no longer capable of coping.

July28, 2015

Blog entry..... I pray GOD deems me worthy today. I cannot endure this life any longer!!!!

July 28, 2015

I wonder if you have ever seriously pondered the thought or the idea even of just throwing your hands up and giving up completely.  I feel like a car wreck in the worst possible way.  I can't control my emotions, I'm killing my own self slowly.  I think I want to die even, I can't be certain but I know the idea has been lingering in my head for some time now and I become so enraged some nights, sleepless nights that I am afraid to be by myself.  I don't need companionship, relationships, friendships none of them.  It was a mere dream of mine once upon a time and I have thrown all of those ideals out the fucking window along with the cigarette butts.  I am WORTHLESS!

July 27, 2015

The anxiety is absolutely debilitating.  I cannot find a way around it at this point.  I simply want to sit and cry myself into a permanent state of sleep.  I don't know how to cope with this anymore.  If G.O.D. is listening PLEASE help me get through this. PLEASE?!

July 23, 2015

Feelings of complete inadequacy abound today.  Nothing I say or do pleases anyone.  Some days, more days often than not, I wish I weren't here.  I hate this life, if not for my children I would be dead.

July 20, 2015

I speak frequently of anxiety and such and in doing so only wreak more havoc within myself.  I have not felt relaxed or somewhat in what seems decades.  There is always a demon of sorts sitting on the outskirts of my subconscious waiting for the ideal moment to attack. Why is that?  I have tried exercise, meditation, mood altering drugs (prescribed) and all else that has been suggested.  Nothing seems to pacify that ravenous creature.  Perhaps I am going crazy and all that good shit. 

Anxiety...

July 7, 2015

I live by truths and when I discover that I have been betrayed by those I have trusted I want to crawl under a fucking rock and die.  It causes the mind to wreak havoc on my entire being. I built a wall and was certain I had it reinforced and I'll be damned if that wasn't good enough.  What more can I do?  There is nothing left to say.  If for one moment anyone thinks that lying by omission is acceptable then you have no morals either. 

June 29, 2015

It's amazing to say the least how I can go from one mood to the next in a matter of mere seconds.  It's as if I'm possessed by someone or something and there is no known cure for such.  How is it that I torment myself whilst others' throw the shit off their shoulders and forget about situations that may seem petty to some but horrific for others'?  How is that possible?  Can someone give me a push because I am on the edge here just hanging on by a thread, throw a match, something...anything, cause me to fall because I can't take much more of the misery in my mind.  No matter how I try I cannot escape this shit. 

June 8, 2015

I've said this time and time again not only to myself but to others' so why is it that I find it most difficult to take in the advise I can so freely give out.  Is it that my experiences may benefit others more than they do myself, or perhaps I don't want to see others' suffer the way I have or continue to do?!  I allow myself to be manipulated not just occasionally but constantly, almost daily.  My thoughts are twisted by others' words and that causes me to twist my own words creating thoughts that aren't even mine.  I am sick to my stomach learning that I have once again fallen prey.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  I thought I overcame all of this, but apparently I haven't been hit hard enough with the "don't trust stick".  Lies, lies, more lies, deception, manipulation, etc...etc... WOW!

June 1, 2015

I understand that procrastination is a debilitating mind control, but for fuck sake, how much can one single individual procrastinate? 

May 18, 2015

"They keep telling me to breathe. I can feel my chest moving up and down. Up and down. Up and down. But why does it feel like I'm suffocating? I hold my hand under my nose, making sure there is air. I still can't breathe."

May 4, 2015

And whoever said you can't get any lower didn't know me prior to speaking those very words. I am the biggest loser!

April 29, 2015

Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly,fly far far away. Dear God, make me a bird!

April 28, 2015

The desire to take ones own life is by no means selfish, it simply means that enough abuse has been had and the ability to endure is no longer there.

April 27, 2015

She Cries by Marion Weston

She holds her dreams locked deep inside
Shadows and shame , nowhere to hide
The scars to prove just how much,
cuts so deep how could this be love

till one more drop of water, that took it to overflow,
the pain much greater than any joy, then she had ever known
cause no one walked in her shoes ,
 no one would understand,
 how she could give her life away,
 and power to just one man, now

she lives, and she breathes,
 she knows just who she is,
 and she’s light, and she’s love,
 she heals and she forgives,
she moves with Grace, and she sees Gods face, and still…
She Cries.

Now her arms are open wide, surrendered to the changing tide
Tears of joy fall like rain, she’s finally coming home again.
Embracing everlasting love, storms rage, her choice is made,
 She hears a voice that whispers, child don’t be afraid, now

April 13, 2015

I simply do not possess the coping skills necessary to survive in this society.

April 7, 2015

Why is it that we believe lies upon lies?  Are we or should I say am I that desperate that I consent to the 'game' once again?  I elude all of the red flags that have been strategically placed before me.  Deceptive acts that I overlook intentionally perhaps, whatever the case may be I allow myself to fall and in doing so become a casualty once again. I don't think that I will ever learn from my mistakes because I repeat them over and over again.  I can almost predict the outcome of any given situation by the initial encounter.  I make myself completely sick, emotionally and then physically. I wonder when lessons will be learned?

April 6, 2015

I have this pain and it resonates deep within my soul.  I am merely waiting for my time here to cease so that I might find some sort of peace and happiness where ever it is I may roam.  The desire for companionship has passed me by, I have allowed it to.  I do not possess a need for further ridicule, sarcasm, criticisms of any sort.  I am my own worst/best critic. 

March 31, 2015

The emotions begin to bubble and then in an almost instant they are ALL boiling over and to clean up the mess afterwards is near impossible if not altogether.  In order to rectify any situation it seems I am the one who is constantly groveling for forgiveness whereas it shouldn't be me.  I have wasted my life searching for something that will never be.  An understanding of who I am, who I have become without ridicule.  I don't need YOUR directions because I am NOT YOU.  The threats no longer affect me, so lay them out for yourself.  I have grown more impatient than I care to acknowledge and the angst that has been created from all of these emotions has left me in pain. An agonizing deep rooted pain that has turned into utter and complete fury.  There is but one solution.

March 31, 2015

LOVE, you say?  There is no such thing as LOVE.  It is merely a human desire to feel connected to another, an attachment of sorts, it is not LOVE...

March 30, 2015

It's about the time in my life where I start ridding myself of material belongings, and with that being said, I am ready to run!

March 30, 2015

So it's okay to rant somewhat ingognito about how much of a 'piece of shit' I am however; have you thought for one moment that this piece of shit is the ONLY one who has stood by while you fell multiple times and helped you up. This 'piece of shit' has gone out of her way to make certain each of you has some sort of direction. This 'piece of shit' tolerates the blatant and constant ridicule from you and all others' that you complain about her to. So, maybe I am a 'failure', and perhaps even a 'piece of shit', who's to say for sure, you, or the countless others' out there that place themselves on pedestals?

March 24, 2015

I sit and read or sit and watch movies, anything to get me out of my own mind.  I then place myself within the tales I have read or watched and wonder more often than not, why have I been given this life?  I have taken care of others' my entire adult life and ponder the thought (ever so lightly) of having someone take care of me?  I know it's merely a fantasy but one I relive over and over.  There has never been a 'love story' for me to share with my children, there are no over the top tales for me to tell other than those of horror and survival.  I hope that some day all those that have crossed my path will realize all that I have sacrificed for each of them, never expecting anything in return, not even recognition for my accomplishments or lack there of; because if anyone truly knows me then they also no I have not accomplished much. 

January 28, 2015

How do you recover from so much loss?  I can't endure anymore. I am not strong like a lioness. I haven't the strength of 100 men. I am spent. I am scared and alone. What more can he throw at me?

January 23, 2015

I have discovered that I am only trulycontented when you have benn lying by my side.

January 22, 2015

Enough is enough. I have had my fill of abuse from everyone. Family, friends, even my own children. Ungrateful, self absorbed, free loading individuals. Get out of my life. I am not your personal sounding board. I cannot wait for the day I walk away from all of you. Don't contemplate looking me up because I will not be found.

January 21, 2015

Player's Choice you say?  Well belly up to the table because the hand you dealt me is not worth it's weight in gold. 

January 20, 2015

I am certain that everyone in every corner of the world has heard the phrase, "promises are like cookies, easily made and easily broken", so why then if it's such common knowledge that no matter the individual, the circumstance, etc...etc...I still fall prey to empty fucking promises? You know the ones', "I promise, I swear"; those promises.  We have all been victimized at some point in time by one or many individuals who have made us a promise in order to pacify their own greedy needs.  Why is it that I allow myself to constantly have faith or somewhat "faith" in others?  Am I that much of a glutton for punishment?  Do I need to feel torn to shreds nearly every day of my life?  Damn!  Why me? There definitely was a point in time when I would have gone to any lengths for a piece of the "happiness" pie in the sky, and now, well now I realize that it is only meant for a select few and I am by no means of those few. 

January 14, 2015

Could it simply be that I haven't the ability to communicate with others' on a level playing field?  Cynical?  Who's cynical?  Not me!  I trudge murky waters constantly and every so often come face to face with bottom dwelling pond scum who instantly knock me to the ground and after feasting on my psyche for some time the release their grip and allow me to crawl to my knees.  Not once have I fully recovered.  I have had my fill of life as I see it. 

January 12,2015

There comes a time when intellectual conversation needs to be had. I just don't have that!

January 6, 2015

Please let this year go by in a 'FLASH'