February 4, 2013

It's unanimous! The cons outweigh the pros no matter how I write them down. I knew they would. It's merely a matter of taking the necessary steps in order to make certain that my life is what I want it to be. A most difficult decision making process now lingers overhead. I understand that pain must come in order for other things to manifest. It's just not my time right now. Sigh! If I could cry I certainly would however; my tears have dried up. I've wasted them on undeserving people. I've allowed, for too long, others' to create an image of myself other than what I see. I don't care anymore what the fuck you say, do, etc...You are in the past for a reason and will forever remain there. You should be so lucky to say that you once were...yet you really weren't. No more allowing assholes in...no more blind faith...no more excuses...step up or step off! It's high time...and I will roll the fucking dice one last time...my life, my future depends on me...not you, you, you or YOU! I'm sick of one-sided conversations, empty stares, cold responses, sickening silence. If I wanted any of that I would reside in a padded room. You will ALL realize, perhaps not today, tomorrow or even in this lifetime, mark my words though, you will realize that YOU were in the wrong. I can't even say that my life has been a learning experience...I've learned not to trust. I've learned that no matter what happens in life, I have only MYSELF to depend on. I'm so fucking sick of being taken advantage of. Your damn right I can be vicious, and rightfully so. There are those that obviously deserve to be spat upon. I have no problem looking the other way either. I need to move on...I need stability (emotional, financial), security, a sense of belonging. It sucks when you only realize what you HAD once it's gone...is this the end or the beginning. Do I continue to dwell or pick up the shovel and bury all of my past. Damned if I know the answer, I guess I will go with ... it's a mystery! Everything is balled up right now, and I haven't a way of making heads or tails of any thought, emotion or lack there of at the present time. I can continue to tap keys in hopes that something will flow past my fingertips...something that will give me clarity...direction, something. Either I am or I am not. Either you are or you are not. What's it going to be. TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK... I will wait, however; not forever. I tried that already, and had to abandon ship without a life preserver. It's a cold, lonely place when you realize you really are all alone in a world full of people.