February 19, 2012

I try to smile even though the pain is so overwhelming. My eyes have not seen a dry day in months. I don’t remember how to laugh. I see the sunrise and it blinds me, so I anxiously await the sunset because I know with it comes darkness. I asked for strength to be given because I knew I would reach the edge, I haven’t jumped yet though it’s very tempting. I want to close my eyes and forget everything. I want to erase all memories, good, bad and indifferent. I need to start with a clean slate. I need to know that no matter what happens I will be forgiven. I understand why some take their lives, and then again I don’t. Pain of the heart is the most unbearable of all pains I have yet to experience. I feel so empty inside. It’s as though I’ve been going along, struggling as I trudge, and then dumped, like some would toss their trash, dumped. I know that I am not by any means the easiest one to get along with, I’m argumentative, I am opinionated, I have a voice (sometimes), I lash out without wanting to or meaning to cause others'  harm. Pain, it's pure pain. I feel pain when I’m dealt injustice. To others’ disbelief I hurt more often than not. I don’t want to feel this pain, not ever again, I can’t endure it, it’s taking me hostage and I’m afraid for myself.

Please if you’re listening, please give me strength to endure, courage to move forward (even if it’s one step), allow me to enjoy the simple pleasures of life again. I don’t remember the last time I did. I don’t want to go back to that place I have been because I’m scared I will never return.

Damn...I will not allow myself to be the victim, not for one more day! I will not give in.  I just won't do it. I AM NOT THE VICTIM!