February 14, 2012

I recognize the state of mind I'm in. I've been here many times before, and yet I haven't (if that makes any sense at all). The emotional pain that I have caused others' is laying heavy on my heart. I haven't the slightest of ideas why it is I do or say the things that I do. I have no idea why I'm so negative...so I'm told, and I agree. I see it yet only after the balloon has burst. I wallow in self pity daily, wondering why, and for how much longer. I have assessed and reassessed myself countless times, and still stand here with emptiness. I can't seem to find peace within myself, unless I'm hurting and it is sickening to read those words, even more so to know that within I am hurting, daily. I tell myself, "today is a new day", which I realize upon awakening, "think positive thoughts and the outcome of every situation will baffle you", however; I baffle myself when I allow the negative me overpower the weak positive me. I watch people, yes I am a people watcher. I see HAPPINESS in their eyes, their smiles, the way they touch, speak, listen...I want that too. How many more will I push away before I finally accept the fact that I am the one that MUST change. It's not a game anymore, as if it were to begin with...I find comfort in misery, so I'm told. I don't want to be comfortable anymore. I want to be loved. I want to feel love...most of all I want to experience LOVE. The damage is done and I know I will never be able to mend what's broken. I want to embrace life. I'm scared to death though. If it's really all that simple why is it that I find it so damn difficult to find tranquility. I shouldn't have to beg for forgiveness, or ask for second and third chances, I should just be able to be myself. (I am still on a man hunt for myself) I walk behind so that others' can shine, I bark behind closed doors so that others' will be heard, I complain often, I suffer much because of all of this. Today, I am broken. I am lost. I am alone. I am sad. I am hurt. I AM SCARED. I am afraid of who I am to become, of who I am today, of who I was yesterday, and yet...yet...I am not strong, I haven't any courage, I am beaten and used. I carry burdens on my shoulders' that weigh me down. I dig holes so deep everywhere I go in hopes that I can throw away bits of me and bury them. I allow others' into my fortress of self. I swing open the gate door, let down the bridge, allow passersby in too many times thinking, "finally, it's my time", so I open a new door and hide away the key. I build my walls back up to keep myself safe. I will continue to build these walls that protect me.