As the fog lifts and visions begin to appear, I wonder...are they merely hallucinations? Anxiety fills me daily, and it seems the harder I try to control it, the more intense it becomes. Deep breathing, clearing my mind, stretching, what a crock of shit all of that is. I say medicate me, although that has proven to be less than beneficial in the past. What next? How can I control this? It's as though I'm constantly on edge, or I am constantly on edge.
They say that appearance in 9/10's of attraction, well I'm here to tell you that I am far off of that...I have let myself go, almost completely. The daily routine, shower, throw on jeans and whatever top suits me for that day, even if it is falling apart, sneakers, and off to work...come home, shower, throw on a pair of sweats and another top and call it a day. I remember clearly when I took such care of myself, I wouldn't leave the house without perfecting my look, and now, I just don't give a shit. Why do you think that is?
Have I lost myself completely through all of this or have I even known who I was? I think I tried to mirror others' because of their happiness (or so it seemed), I became insanely jealous of their abilities to interact and such, so much so that I have isolated myself completely. I talk to no one, I venture no where, I have to force myself to make public appearances, i.e., the grocery store, doctor's office, etc...I'm terrified to be seen. All this while, my anxiety builds, I can't relax, I haven't an ounce of motivation left within, I'm sinking. That's what it is...I'm sinking! I know that I'm not drowning because there is always someone there with a life preserver, willing to throw it to me, yet now, I have pushed every last soul away and I am alone. Unless...
Please release me from the bondage of self...throw me, hit me, slap some duct tape over my mouth, something...I'm still desperate!
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