December 31, 2012

The eve of yet the ending of another year! Was it a good one? Fuck if I know. I just want it to be done with already. Move forward, forget the past, let bygones be bygones. So I set my sights on nothing for this coming year because I will only disappoint myself. Too many times have I held my breath thinking this is the moment, or the next and so on and so on. I haven't the energy to hold my breath any longer. Fate? My fate was written the moment I arrived and from my perspective, it doesn't seem that the stars have anything wonderful set for me. I give up on hope as well. I'm not a child and I shouldn't act as if I am one. I need to focus my attention elsewhere. I shouldn't be so greedy thinking of what I want or what I would like to have...how foolish a girl is that? It's time to grow up.

December 30, 2012

Dream- a succession of images, thoughts and emotions passing through the mind during sleep. If in fact dreams are emotions why don't we feel them while we're awake? Why bother dreaming? What purpose does it serve? It's a huge set up for a series of disappointments. I give up trying. I don't want to ever dream again. They're all a bunch of lies we trick ourselves into believing will someday become a reality. What a crock of fucking shit that is!

December 21, 2012

I thought it was finally my time.  I'm just not good enough am I?  I will never be good enough.  I stopped searching, I had almost given up hope, finally, or so I thought, the puzzle with a missing piece.  So I tried to pry myself  into a space that wasn't big enough, for me, that is.  I just realized that I don’t fit.  I’ve been pushed to the side with the other pieces that want a puzzle of their own, only to discover that I never really had a chance.  What a really sad day for me.  I have struggled daily trying to transform myself into a puzzle piece that doesn’t suit me.  I could cover myself with gems of the rarest kind and still not be enough.  I am not needy.  I don’t require constant attention.  I’ve been pushed so far away that the pain is beginning to subside.  It’s now a numb burning sensation, no longer the piercing agony I’ve been accustomed to.  You all win!  I give up!  I have no fight left in me.  

December 20, 2012

So begins another harried attempt at making things right with myself and others'.  It's more difficult than I presumed anything else in this life to be.  I fuck up more often than not and when I do, all HELL breaks loose.  I know that there is peace and serenity on the other side, so what the fuck is holding me prisoner?  Is it really all my own doing?  Do I genuinely sabotage every ounce of happiness to wallow in self-pity and absolute misery?  I can honestly say that, "I don't believe I do!"  I am trying with all of my might to turn my thoughts and actions around so that others' will want to be near me. 

December 18, 2012

Out of absolute desperation I sit here and peck at the keys on this fucking keyboard praying for some guidance, for some little glimmer of hope.  How much more?  When will it end?  I have done all but given up completely.  Sobriety sucks ass!  I would love a drink, NO!  I would love to drink myself into oblivion, perhaps further than that.  I want to be comfortably numb.  I have been scared, but, not ever so scared as I am at this very moment.  Everything is coming at me all at once.  I'm afraid for myself, for my children.  What will they do, what will they think?  It's hard enough being a single mother, no outside support, no extra monies coming in to help with bills, worrying constantly if there will be enough?  I have been here before, and I don't want to be, I can't escape it, it's all around me.  My children are suffering because of my inabilities to provide for them, the way they deserve.  I wish I could give them everything they need and then some.  I really hate life right now.  I can't measure up anymore.  I feel beaten.  I'm exhausted.  I AM FUCKING SCARED!  I don't want to live like this anymore.  I want to be at peace, I want happiness.  YES! I WANT TO BE HAPPY! I want to feel like I belong, like I'm apart of another human being.  I'm tired of wasting my time, my energy worrying, running, hiding.  I don't know what to do. 

December 17, 2012

There are so many things that I question on a daily basis, it's routine for me.  I have questioned my faith, my existence, my love and above all else, MYSELF.  I continuously put myself through grueling escapades causing others' grief when I only want to cause harm to myself, internally, externally however it may be.  I was told most recently that I can not love another unless I love myself.  Is this factual?  Have I not yet loved?  Am I capable of love?  What, for that matter is LOVE?  I'm so confused, scared, alone and confused.  I haven't a clue where I need to be right at this very moment, I do know that I need to pull myself up and out of this hole.  HOW?  Can I ask for help or is this something I must tackle on my own?  I feel the talons digging deeper than ever this time, and it's tearing me up inside.  I want to run and hide, I want to escape and the more energy I put into pulling away the deeper the wounds become.  Won't someone, just once guide me?!  I need help.

December 6, 2012

The season of perpetual "hope?" Yea right! I've lost all sight of HOPE. I gave and have continued to give my ALL. I give up. I finally give in to absolute defeat. Why bother.

December 5, 2012

Those people, places and/or things we perceive "too good to be true", are most likely just that..."TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!" I will stop holding my fucking breathe now, because I finally understand that simple yet heart wrenching phrase. It's absolute bullshit if I sit long enough and think hard enough. What the fuck have I been thinking?! Shame on me, AGAIN!

Blue Christmas

December 3, 2012

I've heard it said time and time again that, "people who laugh the most, have experienced the most pain." Is it true? Have we? I don't laugh very often anymore however; when the occassion arises you can bet that mine is genuine. So if, this statement is true, have I not experienced "enough" pain? Is there more to come my way? If so, how MUCH more? Will I be able to bear the weight or will this be the wave that crashes in suddenly, as they so often do, knock me down and drag me under for one final hoorah? I'm scared! There is so much that I have yet to experience. So much that I need to experience, even if only momentarily. I need, I want, I desire, and yet...I walk away (as always) with my head hung low so as to hide the tears streaming down my cheeks whilst I fight a faceless beast!

December 2, 2012

Please allow me to dream the dreams I'm meant to dream...once upon a time...kind of dreams!