July 28, 2011

July 26, 2011

Minutes are trickling by as do the days and months, and then of course the years.  I have wasted many of those, years that is, trying to find where it is that I belong.  I know now.  I have found that last missing piece of the puzzle, I am no longer walking around broken.  No more aimless wanderings into the darkness, I know there is a light, and it shines so that I can see the path laid out before me.  I wish that I could show you what it is that I see.  It's beautiful in design, God created this special place just for me.  Lined with meticulously placed flowers that are forever in bloom, the sky has few clouds just enough though for the imagination to run wild with.  It's serene to say the least.  This is my dream, this is where I go to escape reality now, I place myself amongst the flowers and lie flat on my back watching as the clouds flutter over head.  I wish that I were there right this very moment.  The calming scents of the decor, the beauty that is never ending in the sky, and I; yes I have taken all of these things for granted.  Not today. 

July 25, 2011

I still have those moments.  The ones' that make me question my motives, and do I in fact have any underlying whatsoever.  I know that in the past I may have.  I have not truly ever gotten what I've wanted let alone asked for what I've needed, I've always settled.  Settle, settle, settle.  HELLO?!  Is there anybody out there?  Is there anyone alive?  Move the bodies carefully they said, they are after all someones loved ones'.  That's how I used to feel.  Like a lifeless body, just waiting, not ever really feeling or experiencing life.

I know I am far from perfect, and perhaps perfectly imperfect best describes me.  I am beginning to love myself, physically (Grrr) although there are those days where my insecurities are so overwhelming and seem as though they have no end and they do most certainly devour me.  It's a revelation of sorts, or so it seems daily.  Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly huh?  I'm building a bridge out of the bricks that have been guarding me all of these years, in hopes that I am able to allow others' in completely.  I hear the words that are spoken, and I feel the sincerity of each one of them as they move past their lips, I want to believe that I am beautiful inside and out, however; there is always that lingering thought, somewhere in the dark, waiting for that one moment in time, where I feel completely whole.  It pokes it ugly face through the mirror and spews all of it's negativity directly at me, and I am infected once again.  There is no pill to take in order to rid myself of these shadows, it's a learning process.  I am moving towards that dimension, where peace and serenity are abundant, and can only hope I can pass along all that I acquire to another in need.  Perhaps I am selfish, wanting perfection or striving for such, and NO I do not expect perfection.  Today is one of those days that I know for certain I am rambling on about absolutely nothing.

I still wish that I had a crystal ball, and that magic wand, I would rid us of all evil. The past is just that...EVIL...He is trying to knock you down, as he has me, and if I have any say in any of this, I will stand between you and he and guard you with my life.    So I wait, frantically, my own thoughts creating a whirl wind of chaos in my own mind, back and forth.  Then I snap, and realize this has nothing to do with me, it's you, how insensitive I have been, making your mountains into molehills, when in fact they are mountains, that you must climb, and once reaching that peak I pray to God you descend ever so slowly, remembering each step that you take towards that serene place you know and love.  I do know you experience that excruciating pain the past causes too, and it breaks me into pieces knowing there is nothing that I can say nor do in order to bring you back.

July 20, 2011

I saw my reflection this morning and thought to myself, "What a ghastly sight!" I see what I see, nothing more, nothing less.  I had been able, not too long ago, to see that little girl. That innocent little girl, the untarnished, beautiful little girl.  She ran away again.  I don't understand her, and I certainly can't comprehend my own self image.  I do try daily.  I apply the smile (mask or not) hold my head somewhat high, look life in the eye and walk forward.  There is however; this centrifugal force that wants to pull me back down, and I am constantly holding onto that invisible hand (the one that I wish were there all of the time) in order to keep myself from being lost in HELL once again.  I remember the scent of near death, the damp cold darkness that surrounded me.  I was alone and afraid, as I am still today, not as often, but often enough to tell myself I don't want this any more.  Loneliness is cold and dark, I've said it time and time again I want to bask in the rays of the sun for as long as I possibly can, and feel it's beautiful warm rays beating down on my skin.  Is it really all too much to ask for?  Is that being selfish?  It is what it is I presume.  I'll be just fine.

INVICTUS

William Ernest Henley.  1849 - 1903

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever Gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under teh bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
and yet the menace of the years
finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how stait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of MY fate:
I am the captain of MY soul.

July 18, 2011

The adversity of all that I've generated is coming full circle.  Each and every piece of my past is making itself visible, although I wish all were transparent.  I have reached out in the past for hands that weren't mine for the taking and in doing so was left to thrash about aimlessly like a fish out of water in fear.  I no longer feel that I'm reaching for hands that are not mine, but hands that are genuinely outstretched to ME!  I can't believe it sometimes.  Perhaps mine own eyes are deceiving me, as does my heart and mind on occasion, but I must have that hope and look towards those pastures that are fertile in hopes that I too can walk with, not against.  I want the memories of my today's to over power those of my yesterdays.  I long, need and want for so much, I can still, feel, taste and touch in my mind all the beauty that is being given me today.  I am regaining strength that I thought once lost, perhaps I misplaced it beneath all of the years of negativity.  YES!  That's it, I buried all of it, only to use minimal amounts sparingly when absolutely necessary.  I need most if not all today.  I want to bask as I did this past weekend, in the sun, and feel the heat, not intermittently, but daily.  It must be daily, for daily there are new quests that are set before me.  I now know what it is to feel "ALIVE" again, or perhaps it's for the first time that I do.  I was on that roller coaster, gradually inching my way to the summit, not knowing what awaited me. I embraced myself,  preparing to crest, yet never actually getting there, only sashaying in reverse, to begin the ascent once again.  All the while praying for that strength to pull me through.

July 15, 2011

Each new day, brings new clarity and some peace of mind.  I realize that there are going to be days where I regress to the depths of despair, and there are going to be days where I feel elated beyond belief.  Today, I am neither of those.  I am right here, right now.  I am thinking clearly today.  My thoughts are unfolding as they have before, and I am able to put down in words those thoughts.  Making perfect sense of all that has been puzzling me for weeks.  I do realize that I am insecure and that I will have moments more often than not, where I must be reassured that I am most worthy.  I am telling you this, aloud, for all to hear, yes I AM INSECURE.  I still struggle with my reflection, for I see the past when I look into my own eyes, and question God as to why he allowed me to suffer so long at the hands of others'.  Perhaps it's not up to me to question HIM, but I must, I need to understand better, why it is that a child must suffer, and in suffering carry guilt as if it were all MY fault.  I do blame myself, I see it, I still feel those feelings as if I were still that child.  I do wish I could turn back time and be that innocent little girl, hiding behind my mothers' skirt.  I remember those days as if they were just yesterday.  I miss those days.  I miss my mom, I know she is only a phone call away, and that I need only pick up that phone, but I want to feel her arms around me, I want to hear her tell me that everything is going to be okay.  That God isn't going to give me anything more than I can handle, the way only she can.  I tell myself these things daily, but somehow, they don't impact me in the same manner.  I am a stronger woman today mom, because of you.  My life is moving forward in a positive direction today, and some days more often than others' I am terrified that I may destroy all that I am diligently working towards.  I have the ability to see past my nose in spite of my face today, and what I see is shear beauty.  A beauty so divine that it radiates and I can do nothing but stand and absorb it's rays and in doing so feel beautiful myself.