February 25, 2017

I suppose as they say, I harm myself so I don't harm other's! Bullshit! I do that too. I hate who I am, what I am...I hate everything about myself. I can openly and without fear of ridicule express myself here and so I do.  I haven't the ability to express to ANYONE how I truly feel about them. I am non expressive emotionless, heartless, perhaps even selfish or so I've been told that as well. I do absolutely NOTHING for myself and yet I still feel as empty as the day before. I guess I want for too much. I don't ask and when asked I want nothing still. I feel like an empty shell of a person, hollow. I can cry for hours or days without a problem and just when I think that I've shed my final rear here it comes again.

February 24, 2017

I am not even living, I am just existing and frankly it fucking sucks. It's becoming worse by the hour. No friends, no way to get out and make an attempt even though I never would in the first place.  Lies that I have been told, promises that have been broken, plans that were made are all empty. Empty like me! I have no compassion, no love, no empathy whatsoever if I ever had to begin with, it's been drained from my soul, if I had one of those to begin with as well. I wish this miserable life would pass me by already. I am so fucking sick and tired of being alone, feeling alone. I am serving absolutely no purpose. Empty space is all I create. This life is bullshit. This emptiness is burying me. Am I delusional as everyone says? Is my sense of self warped like I've been told over and over again? I no longer have an identity, I just am, what am I? I haven't a clue anymore. I thought I used to know, I thought I had some sort of a dream, I guess I thought too highly of my own self so I believe it's safe to say that "I AM DELUSIONAL AND MY SENSE OF SELF IS THOROUGHLY WARPED", why should I then struggle if I am merely taking up space?  I don't even think clearly anymore. I can't seem to sort through thoughts in order to get them down. I wish just once I belonged somewhere, somehow. Here is another thought...if I wasn't such a fucking chicken I would most definitely... Just wonder off somewhere and die. That is what I deserve. To be physically alone is a struggle in itself let alone feeling alone no matter where I go or who I am surrounded by. I don't even feel comfortable in my own skin, I wish I could tear it off like a savage beast and bash it against a rock.

February 11, 2017 (cont'd)

Some hearts are broken and mended, others are shattered and torn, although it was never intended, for love is eternally sworn, I've cried and prayed and pleaded, for love to hold his ground, hope was all I needed and pain was all I found.

February 11, 2017

It most certainly is one thing to be alone as opposed to being in the company of other people and feeling alone. It is such a heartwrenching, aching feeling of utter emptiness. No matter how hard one tries to be in the moment, thoughts convey otherwise deceitful memories that distort every other ideal I may have once had. I am not even certain I made an ounce of sense however, my thoughts are so all over the place I cannot seem to make heads or tails of any of them. Loneliness has become the new 'norm', as well as seclusion. When will I be able to let these empty feelings alone. When will I trust without hesitation? When?

February 10, 2017

So I do believe that I have finally reached the end of the rope. The knot I had once tied has come completely undone and the rope itself is frayed so there is no use in attempting to tie another to hold onto. The laughs are ALL on me AGAIN.  I have no tears to shed, no more jealousy, nothing, absolutely nothing. I feel nothing. I have become numb, almost numb. Tears still flow, what the fuck? Apparently it hurts more than I want and I feel more than I should.

February 8, 2017

Apparently I am just not good enough and never will be. Society has created liars, cheaters, manipulative fucks and I am sick to my stomach literally over this. It is time to just give up completely. I haven't the mental capacity to endure this shit anymore yet I find myself pleading and begging for yet another chance to prove my own worth and for what? Where the fuck have I gone wrong? Why is it that I can't seem to see my own nose in spight of my face? Why must I continuously torture myself? Why do I fight for attention? Why am I fucking breathing? FUCK ME!!!!

February 7, 2017

How foolish and gullible can one individual be? I am here to tell you that it goes well beyond belief. I cater to everyone but myself and am still left to fend for myself. I hope whatever it is you found embraces you til death. I could go on with hateful words however; to exert that much of my own energy on anyone but myself any longer is pointless. No good will ever come of this, it was and is all a huge misunderstanding of emotionless solitude.