May 30, 2013

I have been witness to people throwing the word 'LOVE' around like it was candy at a parade. There is no longer depth within the exchanging of such. It comes and goes oh so quickly. How do you 'Fall In' love only to 'Fall Out' of Love' within the course of a few stolen moments? I can not comprehend such tactics! It clearly blows my mind. Perhaps my metaphorical wall isn't so metaphorical after all.

May 23, 2013

Going back in time and looking at photographs, it makes me so fucking sad knowing that I missed out on so many milestones with family. Maybe I'm angry, frustrated, who the hell knows. I sit here wondering why I was dealt a deck of cards consisting of Jokers? Was it intended that way!? Am I destined to always look over my shoulders, struggle with the seemingly simple tasks, live in constant and absolute fear of what will come? How is it that I'm to move forward when I can't move past the past? Sure, there are days that I believe I have finally accepted my past for what it was and then the nightmare in my head begins and bets are off the table leaving me stripped of everything. I'm still scared and perhaps more so now then in recent days!

May 22, 2013

If I'm understanding correctly here. I am more of a disappointment to people than not. What can I say? I suppose that's who I am and who I will remain. I am no longer that risk taker you all once knew me to be. Fear is the icing on my cake. It dictates my every movement. I haven't the courage to step outside of the confines of the box any longer. Lid closed I feel safe, open I am vulnerable. I can not be swayed nor will I allow myself to be manipulated.

May 22, 2013

I am just going to funnel myself back into the abyss.  The calamity from within is almost unbearable.  I haven't the strength nor the ability to fight.  It's as though all hope has been lost.  I tried to hold on for as long as I could however; the knot that I tied loosened itself and I've been slipping ever since.  It certainly hasn't happened all at once, but it is happening nonetheless.  Slipping in and out of consciousness almost as I descend. I suppose I could make some sort of a slipknot, tie it around my waste, fight the current and see how far it will take me?! It's a painstaking task trying to stay above the emotional turmoil that for as far back as I can remember has held me hostage.  There aren't any buoys, no life jackets, not a rope in sight and I believe (I can't be certain) that I am no longer capable of holding on.  With that being said, what was it or what is it that I've been holding on for.  It was told to me that it seemed as though I have been waiting to be "rescued" and however indignant I felt at that very moment after having read such, I shook it off, or so I think I have.  I've had enough dealings with the profound melodrama that I am surrounded by daily.  The pessimistic antics of others' is too much for this girl to endure.

May 21, 2013

Into the darkness I venture, alone once again.  I should have known better yet curiosity got the best of me.  A most profound and thought provoking moment of clarity I did however have prior to taking those first steps and still I went it alone.  That darkness I speak of often lies within the confines of my mind, like street cars racing so are my thoughts.  Scrambling to the finish line in hopes of forming one complete, intact thought.  I hear the music in the background, but cannot for the life of me cling to a solitaire lyric.  Nothing is making sense right now.  What causes all of this to come full circle?  FEAR!  It can’t leave me alone, it pounds on my chest from the inside, and tears me to shreds bit by bit, making certain I feel each and every cut.  What have I done?  Was I so horrible that peace within is only an image I find in picture books? 

May 20, 2013

The cruel irony of life's challenges...what does it all mean? Am I in the right era here? Could it be that all I have and all that I am experiencing has all been experienced before, by none other than myself? Is it possible for me to break this vicious cycle before I meet my demise, whatever it may be? How will I know? Which road shall I travel? Will I be going it alone as I have done many a time over? I am, without a doubt scared to death. I don't have the ability to decipher what it is that has come over me. It's pure, unadulterated fear!

I am an "old soul"

The particular life challenges and destined events that are the hallmark of being an old soul...

If you're an old soul you will undoubtedly be giving, caring loving and compassionate - all wonderful attributes that we are taught are the signs of a developed person who cares for others, and the actions that we take that may affect others.

The key signs of an old soul

· Giving and caring often putting others first

· Had a difficult romantic life often with much pain and disappointment

· More than likely had a soul-mate relationship

· Things just seem to happen to you and around you, often becoming very dramatic through the seemingly extreme reactions of others

· Events repeat themselves

· Have trouble connecting with your family

· Somehow know you're different

· Have some psychic intuition and 'just knowing' things

· Find that you have deeper emotions and passions than most people

· People have extreme reactions to you - some just adore you and some seem to really dislike you yet you behave the same to everyone

· Have an inner creative passion

· Suffer lots of jealousy

· Often perceived wrongly

· Feel your don't have much free will, like your life is being controlled by some outside force

· Often feel 'stuck' like events just keep on happening to you time after time


All of us can relate to some of these characteristics and events at some time in our lives however the 'old souls' amongst us will shout "Yes that's me !"
and immediately understand and relate.

In contrast, we have all met the 'young souls' the ones who profess to be giving and caring and often seem to seek us out, but who never really give, just take, and who then commit the most insensitive and often cruel acts but seem to have no understanding of what they've done or any sign of remorse whatsoever. In fact they can often go to such extremes to get very aggressive when we point out their actions and the effect that they've had on us..

- Steve Gunn

10 Steps to Self-Care

If it feels wrong, don’t do it.

Say “exactly” what you mean.

Don’t be a people pleaser.

Trust your instincts.

Never give up on your dreams.

Don’t be afraid to say “No”.

Don’t be afraid to say “Yes”.

Be kind to yourself.

Let go of what you can’t control.

Stay away from drama and negativity as much as possible.

Note to self:

Why the hell do you find it so difficult to follow such simple rules? 

I try to say what I mean, and mean what I say without saying it mean, does that count?  

My instincts have always led me down the wrong path, so no thank you. 

Dreams?  What dreams?  I was supposed to have dreams?  Damn...

If I say "No", they won't like me.  
If I say "Yes", then I'm falling back into people pleasing, ugh, it's a no win situation. 

I don't know how to be kind to myself, isn't it obvious.  

I try to let go of my past, but it creeps up on me daily, and I know I can no longer control any of it. 

I am surrounded by drama and negativity on a daily basis, I can't escape it. 

NOW WHAT? 

May 6,2013

Does it show on my face?  Do I vocalize it?  Have I not extended my hand?  What the hell is going on?  I sincerely do not want to revisit these emotions, if I may call them that.  I have had my fill of just about everything.  I've experienced enough turmoil, death, desperation, hatred, abuse, etc... for this lifetime.  If there is anyone else who feels the need to place themselves before me and present me with one of those previously mentioned, "COME BACK TOMORROW!", perhaps you lost your place in line. I haven't the strength to endure your shit today.  I have been on my knees far too long, and for all the wrong reasons, pleading with anyone who will give me an ear.  I'm empty handed today.  I've pushed you all away and for all of the wrong reasons.  It's myself that I am battling.  My mind takes control and runs wild.  Comments meant to be harmless wreak havoc.  I still find myself reading between lines that don't exist.  When will the madness subside?  When will I find happiness within and when, oh when will it finally be my time to shine?  I see family moving forward, up and over obstacles, hurdling them as though they didn't exist, while I struggle continuously to make heads or tails of every situation given me.  I haven't the fight left, I want to give up, I want to wish myself away. 

May 2, 2013

The wounds of my past have been reopened and the salt has been poured onto them. It burns yet I manage to hide the pain. How will I get through this? Is there a pill for that? I try to express myself yet get choked up, constantly. I have not ever experienced a problem with expression and now...now I find myself wanting to run and hide. The confines of my mind are becoming cramped and I need space, to breathe, to live...just to be.

A DREAM

In visions of the dark night
I have dreamed of joy departed
But a waking dream of life and light
Hath left me broken-hearted.
Ah! what is not a dream by day
To him whose eyes are cast
On things around him with a ray
Turned back upon the past?
That holy dream - that holy dream,
While all the world were chiding,
Hath cheered me as a lovely beam
A lonely spirit guiding.
What though that light, thro' storm and night,
So trembled from afar
What could there be more purely bright
In Truth's day-star?

- Edgar Allan Poe

The Gambler...