I am Powerless

POWERLESS - devoid of strength or resources; lacking the authority or capacity to act; handcuffed, helpless, high and dry, hog-tied, paralyzed, weak. Is there any other form of powerlessness that I've forgotten?  I'm trying with all of my might to arrest this FEAR, so the crying games begin.  I've cried over the cell-phone locking up, the television, the heat, the cold, the pets, hell, I'll cry for those who can't shed a tear, if it saves them from FEAR.  Fear of the unknown, fear of success, fear of failure, fear of today, fear of tomorrow and tomorrow isn't even here yet, fear of fear itself.  I'm afraid of my own shadow for fuck sake.  WHY?  Why am I so afraid?  My eyes are heavy as is my heart, I'm afraid to close my eyes. I'm afraid what dreams may come, and if and when they do, what will they say, what will they mean, if anything other than, "YOU ARE AFRAID OF LIFE".  It's true.  I am afraid.  I have my sights set, and believe me they are not set high, they are within reason.  I am not an unreasonable girl.  I simply want love. I want to feel it, I want to embrace it, I want to run, and laugh with it.  I have that don't I?  Then why?  If I have all that I'm after; why am I not happy?  Why do I live in fear?  If I scream loud enough will the answer come my way, will someone give me the answers I've been searching for, will I finally find closure to all that has weighed me down?  Will I be able to smile from within and have it show?  Can I stand tall for all that it's worth and actually know my own worth, or is that so distorted that I've lost sight of that as well through fear?  Am I dead?  Is all of this really worth writing about?  Is anyone actually reading all that I say, all of the shit that forms thoughts, as I sit here and tap away as I do so well.  I feel like I've been defeated, by myself.  My reflection is distorted as it always has been, however; lately it's become foreign to me.  I don't recognize myself, and I don't like the person I see when I see that reflection looking back at me.  Who is she?  Why is she so frail looking?  Why are her eyes so sad and alone?  Is there anyone even in there?  Can I talk to her?  FUCK!  I'm exhausted. I feel completely helpless, hopeless, and powerless.  These are the thoughts that consume me daily.  I feel absolutely powerless over my entire life right now.  DAMN.  There has got to be an end in sight.  Til tomorrow.