September 28, 2012

SOMETIMES YOU JUST 

HAVE TO STAND ALONE

 TO PROVE THAT 

YOU CAN STILL STAND!

September 27, 2012

“Laugh, even when you feel too sick or too worn out or tired. Smile, even when you're trying not to cry and the tears are blurring your vision. Sing, even when people stare at you and tell you your voice is crappy. Trust, even when your heart begs you not to. Twirl, even when your mind makes no sense of what you see. Frolic, even when you are made fun of. Kiss, even when others are watching. Sleep, even when you're afraid of what the dreams might bring. Run, even when it feels like you can't run any more. And, always, remember, even when the memories pinch your heart. Because the pain of all your experience is what makes you the person you are now. And without your experience---you are an empty page, a blank notebook, a missing lyric What makes you brave is your willingness to live through your terrible life and hold your head up high the next day. So don't live life in fear. Because you are stronger now, after all the crap has happened, than you ever were back before it started.”

Billy Holiday

September 26, 2012

Life is like having car insurance, you don't plan on anything going wrong, but it's prudent to protect yourself from the unexpected," I am fully covered!  I need GAP insurance!

I am Powerless

POWERLESS - devoid of strength or resources; lacking the authority or capacity to act; handcuffed, helpless, high and dry, hog-tied, paralyzed, weak. Is there any other form of powerlessness that I've forgotten?  I'm trying with all of my might to arrest this FEAR, so the crying games begin.  I've cried over the cell-phone locking up, the television, the heat, the cold, the pets, hell, I'll cry for those who can't shed a tear, if it saves them from FEAR.  Fear of the unknown, fear of success, fear of failure, fear of today, fear of tomorrow and tomorrow isn't even here yet, fear of fear itself.  I'm afraid of my own shadow for fuck sake.  WHY?  Why am I so afraid?  My eyes are heavy as is my heart, I'm afraid to close my eyes. I'm afraid what dreams may come, and if and when they do, what will they say, what will they mean, if anything other than, "YOU ARE AFRAID OF LIFE".  It's true.  I am afraid.  I have my sights set, and believe me they are not set high, they are within reason.  I am not an unreasonable girl.  I simply want love. I want to feel it, I want to embrace it, I want to run, and laugh with it.  I have that don't I?  Then why?  If I have all that I'm after; why am I not happy?  Why do I live in fear?  If I scream loud enough will the answer come my way, will someone give me the answers I've been searching for, will I finally find closure to all that has weighed me down?  Will I be able to smile from within and have it show?  Can I stand tall for all that it's worth and actually know my own worth, or is that so distorted that I've lost sight of that as well through fear?  Am I dead?  Is all of this really worth writing about?  Is anyone actually reading all that I say, all of the shit that forms thoughts, as I sit here and tap away as I do so well.  I feel like I've been defeated, by myself.  My reflection is distorted as it always has been, however; lately it's become foreign to me.  I don't recognize myself, and I don't like the person I see when I see that reflection looking back at me.  Who is she?  Why is she so frail looking?  Why are her eyes so sad and alone?  Is there anyone even in there?  Can I talk to her?  FUCK!  I'm exhausted. I feel completely helpless, hopeless, and powerless.  These are the thoughts that consume me daily.  I feel absolutely powerless over my entire life right now.  DAMN.  There has got to be an end in sight.  Til tomorrow.

September 25, 2012

As fear fills the room, every room that is, I sit and wonder why I allow it to consume me. I know it's there, I sense it's presence yet I do nothing to escape it today. I take time out to catch a breathe or two, then resume my place amongst the living dead. I allow thoughts of fearful events (of which have not taken place) to crowd every inch of my being, and overwhelm me. I should shrug these things off as if it were a leaf floating by however; I haven't the strength to stand up to it or them. It's as if I've given in to this demonic being, although it be non-existent visibly. I hear it's voices, and it scares me half to death. I know it's lurking around every crevice every corner awaiting my arrival. What dreams may come true this time? It's unthinkable to say the least. There it is, FEAR, watching, waiting with it's seething teeth. It's perpetual thirst for my last drop of sanity. Not an ounce of common courtesy either, for it knows no such thing. It's voracious talons continue to dig deep, scraping the bones after the flesh has been removed from scars that had been dug previously. Am I to put to rest myself for all eternity or continue dragging myself through painful "life experiences", or do I immerse myself in the IDEA that a "happily ever after" could possibly exist? Which direction shall I turn, and if I make the wrong decision (as I'm accustomed to) will I persevere, OR will I finally admit complete defeat and give up? Is there anyone who truly gives a flying fuck whether or not I am allowed peace and happiness? I have yet to encounter a single LIVING soul. Selfish thoughts consume the universe, everyone for themselves or so it's said. 

I'm Not Perfect

"I AM AFRAID"

"You say you love rain, but you use an umbrella to walk under it. You say you love sun, but you seek shade when it is shining.  You say you love wind, but when it comes you close your window.  So that's why I'm scared when you say you love me." - William Shakespeare

DANGEROUS WOMEN, the CREED

Dear G.O.D.,

Please make us dangerous women.

May we be women who acknowledge our power to change, and grow, and be radically alive for G.O.D.

May we be healers of wounds and righters of wrongs.

May we weep with those who weep and speak for those who cannot speak for themselves.

May we cherish children, embrace the ederly and empower the poor.

May we pray deeply and teach wisely.

May we be strong and gentle leaders.

May we sing songs of joy and talk down fear.

May we never hesitate to let passion push us, conviction compel us, and righteous anger energize us.

May we strike fear into all that is unjust and evil in the world.

May we dismantle abusive systems and silence lies with truth.

May we shine like stars in a darkened generation.

May we overflow with goodness in the Name of G.O.D., and by the power of Jesus.

And in that Name and by that power may we change the world.

Dear G.O.D., please make us dangerous women.

                                      AMEN

-Lynne Hybels
                
                                         

September 20, 2012

I try so hard to keep my thoughts at bay, yet they always seem to find a way to come to the surface for air. I believe that those words, either written or spoken have had the most absurd impact on me. Daily, I search for answers within myself and without. I struggle trying to understand others' insensitivity towards certain situations. I cry myself to sleep wishing my thoughts away, only to wake from fear.

September 18, 2012

I'm beginning to think that I may be fooling myself once again. I am scared. I don't want to trust my gut this time. I am very fearful right this very moment. Please don't let me fall, at least not alone.

September 14, 2012

I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. . I know!

September 13, 2012

I cant't seem to find myself inside of me!

September 12, 2102

These are the words, that cause thoughts, that I reflect upon almost daily. (shallow or superficial, belonging to a particular individual, a close friend, relating to)  Do I allow the dictionary to define my relationship or do I look past the actual definitions and come to my own conclusion, and if I draw my own, is it conceivable that perhaps my characterization of such is delusional and perhaps I should leave the defining to those who know best?  Ugghhh... Some days more often than not I am ready to throw in the towel and call everything, "OFF", not only the limited socializing that I allow myself, but EVERYTHING.  I have been dragging my feet lately, scared as I may be, I have put forth the extra effort to continue moving forward.  I don't see myself moving up, I am stagnated, which in itself is some sort of progression.  A lot is weighing on my weakened shoulder's this very moment and has been for some time.  I'm at a loss for words, and my mind is now a blank slate.

September 4, 2012

That day when you finally realize you're battling yourself for some unknown reason.  That day just so happens to be today.  A calming silence has come over me, I feel withdrawn from within and without.  I am emotionless, yet I am full of emotion. I am feeling extremely hushed, as if someone has drawn every ounce of energy out of me.  I know where I stand yet I insist on fighting it.  For what reason, I haven't a clue. I haven't a 'pot to piss in', yet I've got the world at my fingertips.  How does that actually work?  I have nothing, yet everything.  Sometimes I lose sight of what matters most and fall through the cracks then begins the dauntless task of digging my nails into whatever crevices I might find in order to raise myself above the abyss that I know lies below with hunger pangs wailing so all the world can hear.  I know the inevitable is bound to happen and as I try with all of my might to prevent it, I fall to my knees and curse the skies for all who are willing to hear my screams.  I am finally at a loss.  I thought I knew which way to turn. I thought I had some inclination as to what lay ahead of me.  I thought...I thought....I was wrong.  I have disappointed myself so fiercely that I'm not sure I have the ability to salvage any part of any thing.  WHY ME? If that's pitying myself then so f@#$-ing be it.