May 31, 2011

Absence of any degree does by all means make the heart grow fonder.  A thought invoking process perhaps, but is it really?  My thoughts often become tangled and distorted and for some strange reason unbeknown to even myself, I find it more and more difficult to decipher the jumbled mess in my head.  However; I am continuously moving forward, not in leaps and bounds per say, but forward nonetheless.  I must stop occasionally and take in the fragrance that surrounds me otherwise I will lose sight of the simple and wondrous things in life.  I do realize that one day at a time is the only method that will keep me on the straight and narrow, as difficult as that seems, some days more so than others' I must continue, placing one foot in front of the other.  Euphoria, I've said is only a few steps away, but an ever so long trudge up hill.  I want to hold it in my hands, watch it grow, witness it's beauty as it blossoms.  I have held beauty but only in dreams, now I want more than ever to surround myself with it.  Not faltering from it's embrace, I will envision all of my tomorrows in my dreams.

May 27, 2011

Seems to be rushing in from every direction, elation that is.  I have not yet experienced such wonder.  I see it, I can feel, even taste it at certain moments of the day.  Yet for some odd reason and yes I say 'odd', my fingers are unable to hold onto it.  It being sublime happiness.  I want it, I need it.  Perhaps all that I seek is in deed within reach and I need not look any further.  I've walked in and out of doors hundreds, perhaps thousands of times' and left empty handed.  This is not one of those times, I have in my hands, my whole life.  It's there, I take part daily, or do I?  Perhaps I am not living life but life itself is taking hold of me, grabbing me by the hand one at a time and leading me where I dared not go.  The roads ahead are unobstructed, I can assure you.  There are no bridges to cross, no burdens to bare today.  I stand outside of myself, looking in and realize that I am only a girl, sometimes uneasy and afraid, yet other times strong and confident.  It's a cycle, I will believe that just for today, by living each moment as they present themselves, I will overcome any and all that is placed before me.

May 25, 2011

I have been throwing myself to the wolves lately, and allowing them to gnaw on flesh that's already raw from beastly savages that I just can't shake.  Why must I continue to allow them to feast on my soul?  I suppose the highs and the lows are just as unforgiving as society is, so I will deal with it and prevail as I have always done.  These wolves you see travel in packs, and are quite unpredictable.  They seek out their prey when they seem to be at their weakest, not realizing there is still a fire burning inside and the desire to live outweighs their thirst for flesh and blood.  I am resilient, yes I do know.  I will no longer live in the past, nor allow it to dictate my life.  I am throwing it out to sea with anchors attached.  Let it be known that I have had my fill of sailing "The Good Ship Misery" I've thrown myself overboard, and am swimming to shore.  I'll be safe there I know I will.  I have felt the sand under my feet and the sunlight reflecting downward, warming my soul.  What more could this simple girl ask for?

May 24, 2011

The day in the life it should read, however; things are not always what they seem or are they?  Have I blocked myself completely off from others' in order to protect myself? Lest ye forget, ye are doomed to repeat. The overall concept is puzzling.  I have forgotten, or have I really?  I have repeated myself quite frequently if my memory plays back correctly.  I've repeated actions, and reactions, fallen into the same miserable traps, horrible relationships that I knew from the beginning would go no where.  Yet, I continued to abuse myself emotionally.  I did, I beat myself up for the abuse I endured.  How the f@#* and what the f@#* was I thinking.  I didn't ask for a beating or did I?  I can't recall.  I've given and taken, and today I stand on firm ground.  I am here to tell you all that I am no longer a victim.  I have risen above all of that.  I am who I am meant to be, of course there are going to be tweaks here and there, but nonetheless, I am me.  I am enjoying life for the most part, there are always going to be days where all seems hopeless, but if I remember the paths that I have taken, I will overcome that as well.  It's a jumbled mess, thoughts are everywhere, no time to organize them.  Life for me has taken a turn, for the better, and once again I am embracing every moment I am given.

May 20, 2011

Lately the word on the street is "rapture" and the end of days as we know them.  The alpha and the omega.  No where have I read a specified date and/or time for that matter, when the world as we know it, will meet it's demise.  I was told today that "we will be our own demise" and that holds more truths than that of holy rollers.  I have faith in GOD, and I have faith in knowing that he is doing for me what I most certainly was not able nor willing to do for myself.  Guidance is what I lacked, unscripted guidance to be more specific and that is how I lived my life, unscripted and most of it still remains unwritten.  Perhaps I will tell that tale of a certain girl, whose life was interrupted by the hands of others', and herself.  Today, however; is not that day. I am embracing each day as it comes to me, I have no reason today not to.  My today's are nothing in comparison to my yesterdays.  I do not feel the necessity to live my days in fear of my tomorrows, what if tomorrow never comes?  I have today, and today is just enough for this girl.  I love unconditionally.  I love, imagine that of myself? I actually love.  A word seldom used in my vocabulary to express feeling towards another, and today I have the ability to use that word freely, and feel it's depth.  Euphoria is right in front of me, I've been witness to its' beauty, and tasted it's delectable nectar and it is bitter sweet.  An acquired taste perhaps for some, however; for me it's a fragrant, tantalizing, tranquil almost majestic flavor I have not known until now.  I taste it's  bounty almost daily now, and can not imagine a day without.

May 19, 2011

It is said that one is as sick as their secrets...what if there aren't any secrets, what if there is nothing to hide?  I presume then there is absolutely nothing to fear, but fear itself.  My life is an open book for any and all to read, the binding a bit tattered and torn, and perhaps the pages are worn, but a book nonetheless for those who care to turn the page.  Out of complete and utter desperation, I began this life long journey some months ago, afraid and alone.  Fearing the worst, yet still hoping for the best as we all tend to do, it is a fine line, a barrier per say.  I have placed bricks, one by one all around me for protection or so I thought, and as long as it took for me to build that wall, it's crumbling in an out of control spiral.  I have absolution today, and things are most certainly clear.  I fumble when my mind speaks before my heart feels and in doing so cause complete frustration and it's directed inward.Ughh It's a battle, but a battle I have the ability to overcome now, and that I am...One day at a time.

May 16, 2011

I was witness to an event yesterday that placed me amongst others’ such as myself.  Conversations were flowing and laughter was abundant.  Had I known the misery that was stirring inside another sitting next to me, I would have removed myself from this event in its’ entirety in order to give support.  Perhaps some calming and soothing words.  However; I didn’t notice at first and by the time I had it was already too late, the anger and frustration had taken over and I felt alone and afraid for them, not knowing what to say or do, I sat in silence.  I allowed these feelings to fester and surface, and the guilt that comes with not being more intuitive is overwhelming.  

Gifts in sobriety!

I know such gifts, not gifts of grandeur but gifts beyond my wildest dreams.  Dreams I once thought locked in that casket and buried with all else.  As I sit in awe over such wonder, I can’t help but smile a little smile, one that begins on the exterior, and works its’ way inward.  I am now smiling with my soul, and am comforted with such thoughts.  Regardless of the chain of events that has taken me down those lonely, dark back allies, I now am basking on sun drenched beaches where I believe I belong.  I have no desire at the present time to return to that awful, bitter, cold darkness I was once comfortable with. I want to stand in the sunlight and feel the heat beating down on me.  It’s such an overwhelming love, one that I’m certain I have never experienced before.  I’m not willing to let go, only to grow as plants grow with a little bit of rain, and a whole lot of sunshine. 

May 10, 2011

I now realize that letting go of fear and insecurity is an absolute must, I bare my soul as though I'm a newborn baby lying naked, feeling vulnerable, and afraid.  I want more than anything to feel safe and secure, loved and needed, a part of.  If I am my own worst enemy and I realize this, why must I continuously repeat the past, knowing full well, that I am going to be my own demise?  It's time to let go. I want what others' possess, devine happiness.  I am just a girl after all.

May 6, 2011

Unexpected rants and raves attack my innermost thoughts almost daily.  I find myself revisiting the past more often than not these days.  Why is that?  Have I perhaps lost site of what's most important to me?  I continue to attain serenity daily, however; those damn skeletons are defiant and want me to let my guard down.  I refuse instantaneously for fear of the unknown, or perhaps I do know and I then reinforce once again that wall I've placed all around.  It's safe and secure, but I want to let my guard down, I want to trust and be trusted, to love and be loved for all the right reasons.  I owe myself that much!  I've removed a few of those bricks I've laid with my own bare hands, and can see through the crevices all that life has to offer, and it's oh so inviting but fear holds me back.  Am I truly afraid of happiness and happily ever afters?  Only time will tell, but for now I'll keep on trudging.