December 29, 2010

A driving force...misery...a driving force...misery...a driving force.  I have a certain driving force, this I am certain of.  Perhaps it's my own vise or something that I am completely unaware of, but whatever it may be, I am grateful for such.  Struggling with myself lately, deciphering my thoughts in order to make complete sense of them, if in fact any sense at all can be made.  You see, I've allowed too many too often the ability to manipulate and twist my thoughts into their own, forcing me to have such obscure vision that I couldn't see what lied right in front of me.  I've overlooked so much in such a short period of time, and wasted a lot of years perfecting just that.  I am however; looking over the dashboard (figuratively) and viewing perhaps for the very first time with clear eyes, what other's have been seeing their entire lives.  Why is it that I couldn't see all of this, all of this beauty that other's possess?  Why did it take me so long to arrive?  Why do I keep getting in my own way?  Do I not want to be surrounded by the sounds of laughter daily?  What is it and why does it always find me?  I have run for years, given myself stiff necks because I'm constantly looking over my shoulder in fear of what may be following me, and these are only some of the side effects of being completely and utterly overwhelmed by a force unknown to all mankind.  What the f@#*!!  I need to step outside of myself, most days, and view what lies ahead then step back in and focus completely in order to stay on track, because it will only take a minuscule moment in time for me to revert back to what I'm comfortable with.   FUCK!!!  That's it!!!  Comfort!! I find comfort in misery, why the hell didn't I realize that years ago?  Why?  Seriously now, I just realized that I truly find comfort in being miserable and surrounding myself with other's that are in complete misery.  FUCK YOU MISERY!  WOMAN OVERBOARD! WOW!  I can not even contemplate my own reasoning for being so persistent and staying put in it for all of these years.  Finally, it's all beginning to make complete sense to me.  I don't regret what I've done, where I've been, how I got to where I am at this very moment, I am elated actually.  An eye opener to be exact, I will no longer be miserable.  I will wipe everything off of my shoulders' and leave it lying wherever it lands for other's (whomever they may be) to scoop up and deal with on their own, their own terms, they can stay in their misery I am walking away, finally.

December 23, 2010

Sitting and sulking does me absolutely no justice, and yet it truly is one thing that I do so well, and in doing so I create such magical havoc for myself in my mind, it ceases to amaze me.  I have allowed for too f#@*ing long, others' to manipulate my thought process telling me it's black when I know damn well it's white.  It creeps up on me in the most peculiar hours of any given day, and I embrace it knowing full well what the outcome is going to be.  I hate myself most days for continuing to allow it to control me, but I don't know how to overcome this mind-controlling dimension, that I've come oh so familiar with, and perhaps find comfort in.  I do not trust well, and the reasons I'm certain are clear if you've been following me for these few months.  I have grown numb and show absolutely no emotion while in the presence of some and yet with other's I may have thought I found a sanctuary, but obviously I was mistaken once again.  I felt safe if only for a moment.  Those moments don't last very long, and then I'm back to where I was once again, looking myself in the eyes wondering when it's all going to come together.  When will all of this pain that I've caused myself subside?  Why does it carve MY name is the strangest of places.  Will this vicious cycle ever end, or will I allow it to continue.  Fuck if I know.  I want to be able to embrace something tangible I want to call something my own, of course I do, just like those who already have what I want.  It's odd how people come and go in my life, they've all served some sort of purpose, some served well and other's I've tossed to the wayside because I didn't feel the need for them, and you know there is a lesson to be learned in letting go of those you feel you don't need.  I can't tell anyone what it might be because I'm still searching myself.  If it's soul searching than so be it, and if not then let it be as well.  Contradictory?  Why yes I am!  Thank you to those of you whom have noticed.  However; I speak the truth, I'm not holding anything back, there are no lies tangled up in these lines unlike some.  Two days til' Christmas and I feel lost, alone, ashamed, angry, hurt, tired, abused, empty of any and all emotions.  I neglect to tell those that mean the most to me that they do.  I'm afraid of being myself, I'm afraid of making new friends, or trying to hold onto the ones' I already have.  I envy those that smile constantly, and live their lives the way I want to; happy.  Some day soon I hear too often, some day soon I too will be happy.  I certainly hope so.  I was just saying to someone that I am in fact miserable and I don't like being here alone, so I infect others' with MY misery.  I actually never thought about it.  I've heard the cliche, I live by that cliche, "Misery loves company", well fuck if misery loves company and I am aboard the Good Ship Misery then apparently I need to throw myself overboard, to save others'. 

December 22, 2010

So as this Christmas tree stands alone I do as well...I have chosen to do so on my own.  Only those that are trust worthy will be allowed into my life now.   I have very few that I rely on when in need, and they are aware that they are the chosen few, not necessarily chosen by me, but chosen nonetheless.

I believe that I can overcome most obstacles that are placed before me, or that perhaps I place in my path intentionally, however; I will not have my soul trampled on by others' that have proven to be insignificant at this point in my life.  Perhaps I'm moving along to quickly in order to absorb all that is necessary, but I don't think so.  I am aware of certain strengths that I possess (once again) and I am not willing to allow those to subside either.  I am on a journey of a lifetime and it will continue, and I will go on with or without.

December 21, 2010

I realize that I am one of those who aims to please others’ at any expense.  Though I also realize I have neglected my own needs in order to pacify that of others’, I am no longer in the position to grant your wishes accordingly, only mine. Maybe I have treated others’ poorly as well, what’s done cannot be undone.  Perhaps that seems a little selfish and if so, “too bad”.  I will not be second to anyone or anything, any longer.  I want to be on the front-line, not the firing line.  I want to be lavished with love, a love so divine it speaks words I have yet to hear, and its arms embrace me so longingly it takes my breath away, something only heard of in storybooks.  I have indeed read and re-read those very tales.  I not only want to read about “love” I want to experience “love”, true love.

December 20, 2010

Yet another day has come and gone and today unlike days before was indeed a trying one. Who do you trust when your eyes have finally been cleared of the cobwebs that once lingered there, blurring your vision, distorting all of the realities you (I) once thought to be true. How insignificant you all have become, or perhaps you have been and only able to realize that now with clear and obscured vision. I know that you know I'm not speaking only of sight with the eyes, but with the heart, mind and soul, and if you did however; then shame on you. I've decided that I am the most important person in my life, then my children, and after that...I'm not quite certain anymore. I used to know, I used to be sure of myself, of my mind or so I thought, but perhaps I was fooled once again. FUCK ME! I know I was fooled, how ignorant of me. HA HA HA...not any more though. I am well aware of myself, my surroundings, where I've been and exactly where it is that I am going. I need to be right where I am right at this very moment, I'm learning a lesson by committing myself to staying in this very spot. It's certainly not a requirement that I stay where I am, because I don't belong here, it's a lesson as I just stated. A lesson that I've been learning and being taught time and time again, only now am I able to comprehend in it's entirety exactly what that lesson is. I will not allow myself fall prey again...

December 16, 2010

So the soul searching continues or so it seems.  Am I in fact searching for my soul, or rather my identity?  I know I lost myself somewhere along that long, lonely path, that is now overgrown because I choose not to venture out there alone, without myself that is.  If one person were to ask what I meant by venturing without myself I would indeed tell them this...I have been without myself for better than 20 years, and the roads I have traveled have been lonely, I've pushed and shoved people out of my path and my life for that matter, not realizing the impact.  Loneliness is not so uncommon for me, you know the sitting in a crowded room as I've said so many times before and screaming so loud your throat hurts, yet no one, not a single individual hears your screams.  If one did, why did they not seek me out, why not hold my hand and point me in the direction I needed to be heading, why allow me to continue to reek havoc in my own life and the lives of those closest to me...why?  I can only give a partial answer and that being, I need to depend on me, lean on myself for a while, discover or rediscover who it is that I am, and what potentials I possess.  The past few months have been the most trying yet enlightening at the same time.  I find myself being drawn to those that possess none of the qualities in a person otherwise thought acceptable, by my standards of course.  Why the hell have I been so judgemental all of these years, or is it that I have been looking through the mirror instead of into it and seeing what I dislike in myself in others?  Hmmm...now that's a deep question if ever a question I've contemplated before, and that I will certainly ponder from this moment on until I figure it out on my own.  I am seeing people for who they are, not what I thought them to be, or better yet what I wanted them to be and not to exclude myself here either.  I carry much guilt for being such a judgemental person, which I have no business being.  GOD is the only one who has been given that kind of authority, and I by no means am GOD.  Perfection I strive for but I haven't reached it or so I don't believe I have.  So I will continue to trudge down different paths in search of myself, and perhaps someday soon I will discover what some say I already know.  It could very well be I'm afraid I might like myself and then there would be no more reasons for all of the self-loathing and self-pitying I am so good at.  We will see today is a new day and I am looking forward to what it brings...

December 3, 2010

I've noticed my senses coming back to life, something very unfamiliar I might add. I've also discovered that most are only concerned for themselves.  It;s all a matter of what they can gain from others not taking into consideration how it makes those people that they're using for personal gain feel.  It's disgusting actually, and as far as I can see the can all "GO F@#*  THEMSELVES.  You are no longer welcome in my life because I don't need you.  "WAIT!" I've never needed you, it's all an elusion.  So now I'm seeking sincerity, not false advertisments, or bullshit, so keep your mouths shut and move the f@#* on.  I'm looking for my own spirituality, something that is definitely amiss in my life or so I've been told recently, and quite often.  Unfortunately I have absolutely no idea what (spirituality) it is or where to begin looking.  Fearless inventory, are you kidding me?  There is no such thing as a fearless, I am fearful, why take an inventory of myself, I know my old ways oh so well, and I'm comfortable there.  However; I want to sprout those damn wings (cliche)  and fly out of my shell.  I am only a pawn, and there isn't going to be any 'check mate' called out in this game of life.  "Change or Die",doesn't seem like a difficult decision to make to most, but apparently I was on a roll, and had no where else to go but a grave and oh "Hell NO", I'm not ready to die, I haven't even begun to live.