May 16, 2011

I was witness to an event yesterday that placed me amongst others’ such as myself.  Conversations were flowing and laughter was abundant.  Had I known the misery that was stirring inside another sitting next to me, I would have removed myself from this event in its’ entirety in order to give support.  Perhaps some calming and soothing words.  However; I didn’t notice at first and by the time I had it was already too late, the anger and frustration had taken over and I felt alone and afraid for them, not knowing what to say or do, I sat in silence.  I allowed these feelings to fester and surface, and the guilt that comes with not being more intuitive is overwhelming.  

Gifts in sobriety!

I know such gifts, not gifts of grandeur but gifts beyond my wildest dreams.  Dreams I once thought locked in that casket and buried with all else.  As I sit in awe over such wonder, I can’t help but smile a little smile, one that begins on the exterior, and works its’ way inward.  I am now smiling with my soul, and am comforted with such thoughts.  Regardless of the chain of events that has taken me down those lonely, dark back allies, I now am basking on sun drenched beaches where I believe I belong.  I have no desire at the present time to return to that awful, bitter, cold darkness I was once comfortable with. I want to stand in the sunlight and feel the heat beating down on me.  It’s such an overwhelming love, one that I’m certain I have never experienced before.  I’m not willing to let go, only to grow as plants grow with a little bit of rain, and a whole lot of sunshine. 

May 10, 2011

I now realize that letting go of fear and insecurity is an absolute must, I bare my soul as though I'm a newborn baby lying naked, feeling vulnerable, and afraid.  I want more than anything to feel safe and secure, loved and needed, a part of.  If I am my own worst enemy and I realize this, why must I continuously repeat the past, knowing full well, that I am going to be my own demise?  It's time to let go. I want what others' possess, devine happiness.  I am just a girl after all.

May 6, 2011

Unexpected rants and raves attack my innermost thoughts almost daily.  I find myself revisiting the past more often than not these days.  Why is that?  Have I perhaps lost site of what's most important to me?  I continue to attain serenity daily, however; those damn skeletons are defiant and want me to let my guard down.  I refuse instantaneously for fear of the unknown, or perhaps I do know and I then reinforce once again that wall I've placed all around.  It's safe and secure, but I want to let my guard down, I want to trust and be trusted, to love and be loved for all the right reasons.  I owe myself that much!  I've removed a few of those bricks I've laid with my own bare hands, and can see through the crevices all that life has to offer, and it's oh so inviting but fear holds me back.  Am I truly afraid of happiness and happily ever afters?  Only time will tell, but for now I'll keep on trudging.

April 25, 2011

Am I mirrored by one’s image, actions, reactions and/or mind?  A thought provoking question then arises.  “When I look in the mirror and see my reflection, what does my reflection see?”  I have pondered this for almost 20 years, and today have clarity.  I see my reflection; I see pieces of every single individual I have ever admired through jealousies or other.  I see all of you, and all of them.  This is who I have become, this is where I am meant to be, right here, right now.  I find complete solace in knowing that I am no longer alone, and have never been for that matter.  I have been carrying, without knowledge, a piece of all of you with me, and am only now able to put those fragile pieces into place, and the strangest thing about all of it is, they fit, perfectly.

April 20, 2011

And suddenly, I am able to take this intraverted self, and express openly, freely, without abandon, nor fear of ridicule.  Incentive?  Is all of this, all of this opening of my past and opening of doors just that an incentive? If so, why the necessity to open the old rickety ones' when right before my eyes stands a tall, fresh with life, door with a new frame, fresh paint, new hinges and knobs a door that seems to be one which is uncharted.  Should I tempt fate, or wait for my frame to be replaced, paint to be revived, hinges and knobs to be replaced and that sense of newness overcome me, before I open that tempting door?  I'm almost certain as I always am that if I take a step back and look closely those scratches will still be there, whether or not an overhaul has just been performed.  I will wait patiently until I know the time is perfect then entice myself to grab hold, open that door and walk straight in, no questions asked, and finally take my place.  Yes the door will be there, and so will I.

April 8, 2011

I wonder if it's God's wonderful artwork being laid before me, and when I ponder that thought, I need not look any further for I wholeheartedly already know the answer.  Is it possible for one being to emit such beauty and splendor that it lights a soul?  I know this feeling, I belong to a group of the most wonderful beings in the world, and actually enjoy their company, without prejudice.  WOW!  Did I just say that?  I am not passing judgment?

April 7, 2011

I have a story to tell...to those who are in fact willing to listen.  I said, "Listen."  I don't need feedback because that's what I've gotten all along and it's gotten me no where to say the least.  I feel stagnated, so I know that now is the time to make those changes I've been dwelling on forever it seems.  First things first...I need to clear my mind of all negativity and fill it with fresh almost euphoric thoughts and move forward from there, only one problem...where is EUPHORIA?  Is it something we create in our minds, is it sublime ecstacy two people or a group of people share?  I only know this scared, sacred heart sitting here right this very moment has yet to experience that euphoria, but I am ready.  Feelings of a tiny child rushing up to her teacher with almost tears in her eyes, presenting them with the gift they ever so lovingly hand crafted solely for them, hoping they too would receive the same sensation within their own heart.  Unfortunately it doesn't seem as though life happens that way, so back to the drawing board, laughing all the way.