February 3,2011

"I brought myself a lot of unnecessary misery by thinking it was my responsibility to manage and direct other people's lives. I believed it was solely up to me to make everyone else happy and secure. So I continually placed everyone else's needs first until I didn't know who I was or what I needed for my own happiness and comfort. It's exhausting and insane to try to second-guess everyone. Not only that, it doesn't give me or anyone else credit for being able to think, feel, or act for himself."

January 21, 2011

Today of all days....I presume would be the best day....to start anew.  I believe in taking leaps of faith, only when all faith has not been lost.  I strive to be a better person, in it's entirety, although others' sit in fear while I begin to spread my wings, knowing full well that their time with me has subsided.  I am growing as an individual, and am able to think clearly, more so daily, and I'm discovering that 'YES' there are genuine men and women out there, that do indeed want nothing more than friendship in exchange for the exact same.  Some are more inspiring than others' and I look to them for advice whether directly or indirectly.  I was most certainly "HAPPY" last night, unbelievably so that it was most terrifying, because I was not at all aware that I still possessed that emotion.  Nothing particular was said nor done, just a glance while speaking amongst other's was all I needed, reassurance of sorts perhaps, in knowing that YES it is possible to feel these feelings almost always.  I take a deep breathe in, hold it, then release, and I am right where I need to be for this moment, and the next and so on.

January 13, 2011

     Does anyone other than myself realize the absolute anguish caused when one is let down? I'm not referring to being let down by a significant other (or whatever you call them) or 'love', for 'love' is one of the grandest of all facades. I am speaking personally let down, disgusted, wanting to spew vomit let down. I've brought most of this on myself, caused more pain and discomfort on my own and I have decided that I am moving on, I can not wait for those whom have NO direction, No motivation to find themselves, not now, not ever, not again in this life time. I am taking time for me, because I was once the one with no direction, no motivation. I will not be stagnated by the likes of any of you nor by the likes of the "old" me. I am aspiring to be a new "ME" and learning to love ME slowly. I'm freeing myself and I owe no one anything. Where were the bulk of you when I needed strength, when I lost faith in myself? I searched for someone and to no avail there wasn't a soul to be found, so what makes you think NOW is a good time to step in and offer your "services" or even contemplate the thought? Try this one on for size, "F@#* YOU!" That's all I've got for those of you who are of the least significance to me, my children and the rebuilding of my life.


     Emotional ups and downs at this point are unavoidable and still a very big part of my daily life, and my letting go, and of the experiencing of new. I am so enthused with anticipation of what is YET to come. I have my entire life ahead of me, that is if I continue to maintain a sane or almost sane way of thinking and living, with those that will "benefit" me, as opposed to my old ways of allowing others' to stagnate and drag me down. Perhaps I've allowed this for so long because I did in fact lose sight of what was most important, ME. I lost any respect I had, had and yet managed to function daily. Go figure, how did I or better yet how could I allow this to consume me? Rest assured; I will never allow for myself nor anyone else for that matter to cause me strife.

December 31, 2010

So the eve of party goers' and family gatherings begins.  I have none to share this with for they are scattered with their own, even my children are celebrating in ways I only knew how to.  This eve, this night will be spent with new found friends, and a new found freedom that I have chosen to create on my own.  Friends that "TRULY" understand exactly where I want to be.  Thank you all for being a part of this New Year's Eve celebration for me.  I am grateful.

December 29, 2010

A driving force...misery...a driving force...misery...a driving force.  I have a certain driving force, this I am certain of.  Perhaps it's my own vise or something that I am completely unaware of, but whatever it may be, I am grateful for such.  Struggling with myself lately, deciphering my thoughts in order to make complete sense of them, if in fact any sense at all can be made.  You see, I've allowed too many too often the ability to manipulate and twist my thoughts into their own, forcing me to have such obscure vision that I couldn't see what lied right in front of me.  I've overlooked so much in such a short period of time, and wasted a lot of years perfecting just that.  I am however; looking over the dashboard (figuratively) and viewing perhaps for the very first time with clear eyes, what other's have been seeing their entire lives.  Why is it that I couldn't see all of this, all of this beauty that other's possess?  Why did it take me so long to arrive?  Why do I keep getting in my own way?  Do I not want to be surrounded by the sounds of laughter daily?  What is it and why does it always find me?  I have run for years, given myself stiff necks because I'm constantly looking over my shoulder in fear of what may be following me, and these are only some of the side effects of being completely and utterly overwhelmed by a force unknown to all mankind.  What the f@#*!!  I need to step outside of myself, most days, and view what lies ahead then step back in and focus completely in order to stay on track, because it will only take a minuscule moment in time for me to revert back to what I'm comfortable with.   FUCK!!!  That's it!!!  Comfort!! I find comfort in misery, why the hell didn't I realize that years ago?  Why?  Seriously now, I just realized that I truly find comfort in being miserable and surrounding myself with other's that are in complete misery.  FUCK YOU MISERY!  WOMAN OVERBOARD! WOW!  I can not even contemplate my own reasoning for being so persistent and staying put in it for all of these years.  Finally, it's all beginning to make complete sense to me.  I don't regret what I've done, where I've been, how I got to where I am at this very moment, I am elated actually.  An eye opener to be exact, I will no longer be miserable.  I will wipe everything off of my shoulders' and leave it lying wherever it lands for other's (whomever they may be) to scoop up and deal with on their own, their own terms, they can stay in their misery I am walking away, finally.

December 23, 2010

Sitting and sulking does me absolutely no justice, and yet it truly is one thing that I do so well, and in doing so I create such magical havoc for myself in my mind, it ceases to amaze me.  I have allowed for too f#@*ing long, others' to manipulate my thought process telling me it's black when I know damn well it's white.  It creeps up on me in the most peculiar hours of any given day, and I embrace it knowing full well what the outcome is going to be.  I hate myself most days for continuing to allow it to control me, but I don't know how to overcome this mind-controlling dimension, that I've come oh so familiar with, and perhaps find comfort in.  I do not trust well, and the reasons I'm certain are clear if you've been following me for these few months.  I have grown numb and show absolutely no emotion while in the presence of some and yet with other's I may have thought I found a sanctuary, but obviously I was mistaken once again.  I felt safe if only for a moment.  Those moments don't last very long, and then I'm back to where I was once again, looking myself in the eyes wondering when it's all going to come together.  When will all of this pain that I've caused myself subside?  Why does it carve MY name is the strangest of places.  Will this vicious cycle ever end, or will I allow it to continue.  Fuck if I know.  I want to be able to embrace something tangible I want to call something my own, of course I do, just like those who already have what I want.  It's odd how people come and go in my life, they've all served some sort of purpose, some served well and other's I've tossed to the wayside because I didn't feel the need for them, and you know there is a lesson to be learned in letting go of those you feel you don't need.  I can't tell anyone what it might be because I'm still searching myself.  If it's soul searching than so be it, and if not then let it be as well.  Contradictory?  Why yes I am!  Thank you to those of you whom have noticed.  However; I speak the truth, I'm not holding anything back, there are no lies tangled up in these lines unlike some.  Two days til' Christmas and I feel lost, alone, ashamed, angry, hurt, tired, abused, empty of any and all emotions.  I neglect to tell those that mean the most to me that they do.  I'm afraid of being myself, I'm afraid of making new friends, or trying to hold onto the ones' I already have.  I envy those that smile constantly, and live their lives the way I want to; happy.  Some day soon I hear too often, some day soon I too will be happy.  I certainly hope so.  I was just saying to someone that I am in fact miserable and I don't like being here alone, so I infect others' with MY misery.  I actually never thought about it.  I've heard the cliche, I live by that cliche, "Misery loves company", well fuck if misery loves company and I am aboard the Good Ship Misery then apparently I need to throw myself overboard, to save others'. 

December 22, 2010

So as this Christmas tree stands alone I do as well...I have chosen to do so on my own.  Only those that are trust worthy will be allowed into my life now.   I have very few that I rely on when in need, and they are aware that they are the chosen few, not necessarily chosen by me, but chosen nonetheless.

I believe that I can overcome most obstacles that are placed before me, or that perhaps I place in my path intentionally, however; I will not have my soul trampled on by others' that have proven to be insignificant at this point in my life.  Perhaps I'm moving along to quickly in order to absorb all that is necessary, but I don't think so.  I am aware of certain strengths that I possess (once again) and I am not willing to allow those to subside either.  I am on a journey of a lifetime and it will continue, and I will go on with or without.