February 21, 2014

Have you ever just taken a few steps back, almost outside of yourself and observed? I was given that opportunity while I slept last night. I used to set short term goals only, because I knew that long term ones' were out of reach for whatever reason I came to that conclusion, I have. I no longer strive to reach those goals neither near nor far. I would like to unzip myself, turn myself inside out and power wash my entire being. I am sick of being me, whoever that is. I hate myself inside and out. I have tried to alter my exterior thinking it would somehow affect my interior, boy have I been wrong. I am broken! I no longer wish for happiness, because the woman or person I have become believes that it is unattainable. I will continue to trudge, with my knuckles bleeding as they scrape the very depths of my soul. I will allow FEAR to take control. I will not fight. Have at me, dig your talons deep this time, tear the skin that's oh so soft, poison me with your ridicule and constant reminders of mistakes that I have made. I am at FEARS' mercy.

February 17, 2014

I have finally realized that I am not relationship material, nor will I ever be. My insecurities are overwhelming and my sense of self so warped that I fail to see what others' insist I must in order to maintain any sort of 'healthy' relationship. So be it is all I have to say. I had allowed myself to become comfortable with the idea that I will grow old alone, and it's certainly is a scary thought but I know now that it is what's meant to be. I have failed so many people over the course of my life and I can't muster up the strength to even contemplate the thought of allowing another to take hold of what remnants of a heart remain. I could cry myself a thousand tears and nothing would have prepared me for this eye opener, although, I do believe I knew it all along I just wasn't prepared to accept it for what it all was. So now, as I put the weights back onto my ankles and plunge into the abyss I will remember that I have absolutely no business meddling with another no matter the circumstance.

Mass confusion takes hold of me now as it has done so many days and nights in the past.

February 16, 2014

I believe the time has come to begin this life long journey alone.

February 10, 2014

There comes a point in time where a woman or so I thought should be completely content with her relationships whether they be platonic or what have you. I feel so insecure all of the time lately. Insecure in my job, my relationship with my children, financially, emotionally, etc…etc. How am I supposed to overcome all of these insecurities when my mind plays constant tricks on me? Am I doomed to constantly repeat the past and sabotage every single relationship I place myself in? Why is it that I just can’t find absolute solitude in ANYTHING? Why must I conger up scenarios that I know full well are unhealthy for my psyche? Is it all really just imaginary or is my subconscious more in tune with the on goings of my life than my physical self? I simply cannot carry on this way much longer. I know that all good things must come to an end, but can’t I enjoy some of those so called ‘good things’ before they come to an end? Why must all good things come to an end anyway? Who wrote the book on that? Was it some philosopher of some sort? Who is this man? It must have been a man because they can’t seem to make up their minds as to what, where, how, who, etc… I know that I need some solid ground to stand on, some sort of commitment from something, somewhere. I am not willing to compromise anymore. I won’t be taken for granted. I will not allow myself to feel the outcast much longer. It’s as if I am that starving, homeless woman walking by the most elegant of restaurants’ peering in through the steaming glass watching as others’ dine, and laugh and just enjoy each others’ company. I want that too. I want that kind of happiness and if it’s temporary than I am going to walk away (AGAIN). Running is my forte. I am not happy, and I can’t remember the last time I saw myself laugh. God, give me strength.

February 4, 2014

I sit here now, tapping away at these damned keys because here; once again my self-sabotaging ways are spilling over into the lives of others. Those that are not deserving of my intense insecurities that I blame on everyone but myself. Those self-loathing images that I have created in my own mind reflect from the mirror of my soul. I see clearly what it is that I have become and the mere thought that perhaps my mirrored image is delusional is altogether mind-blowing. It's the same scenario time and time again, a painted image that haunts me. I can smell, taste, touch all that's going through my mind yet, I haven't the ability to control what escapes past my damned lips. Why is it that I lack that control. How much more misery can I pour onto others, and expect different results? Isn't that the definition of insanity? Damn me! I need to find that pocket and disappear once again into the abyss I have come to know so well. I may be frightened and, "YES" FEAR does lead the way however; I find comfort in that FEAR. How sickening that sounds when read aloud. Am I trying to convince myself that no matter the road I merge onto the outcome will forever remain the same? What purpose does all of this serve? My thoughts are beginning to scatter uncontrollably and I am not able to make much sense of them.