The Hardest Part

They say repetitively that the "hardest part is letting go", however; they fail to inform you of what it is that is so hard to let go. Let go of fear? Let go of hope? Let go of pride? Let go of what exactly? I have come to my own conclusions as to what it is for me that is hardest to let go of. Letting go of myself, allowing another to come in completely and discover all that is good and perhaps all that is not good, letting go of my fears of being betrayed, let down, disappointed, rejected, neglected, letting go of all that I have known to start a new. A new day perhaps? I can not say for certain. I am terrified at this very moment of letting go of anything that has defined who I have become today. I know that it is essential in becoming who I am meant to be, but that fucking fear stands tall and all empowering before me, causing me to tremble as I always do. I cry at the mere thought of letting go of anything. It's as if I have to pack away in boxes memories of my past, good, bad or indifferent in order to move forward. I want to, I need to in order to salvage what ever it is that is left of ME. Should I be labeling each box with it's contents for later references or should I leave them unmarked so as not to dare dig deep through their contents. I figured at this point in time in my life I would have some resolution, things would be crystal clear, yet I stumble daily, moment by moment for clarity as to what I need to be doing next. Of course my days are laid out before me, with work and caring for teenagers, although there is still that emptiness that screams to be filled. I hear the words I so long to hear, yet they don't embrace me. I have become numb to their meaning, if anything is meant by them. I know...I know..."THE HARDEST PART, IS LETTING GO".