October 23, 2012

I wonder...are impulsive, thoughtless, spontaneous decisions easier than the carefully dissected, thought-out ones? Do I needlessly set myself up for a fall? If so, why am I willing to risk losing what I have, and for that matter, what is it exactly that I "HAVE"? I thought not so long ago, that I knew for certain what direction I was heading, and now; well, I'm lost. Perhaps misguided, misdirected by another. Did I trap myself or did I allow another to lead me on to believe... I haven't an answer for any of these questions, if in fact they are questions at all. For once...just once, I would like someone other than myself to take the lead, to guide me in a direction, down a path, that hasn't any hills, obstacles, even puddles. I need a smooth transition into this life that I am embarking upon. No more needless climbing, and plunging, no more heart ache, or heart breaks, no more crying, wishing, wanting, waiting...NO MORE WAITING! If ever there has been a moment in my life that I have been ready to take steps in the "forward" direction, the time is now, and as they say, "time is of the essence". The clock doesn't stop ticking, so it's quite obvious that time does not stand still. I'm not certain whether I am aging gracefully or gracefully aging... I still see that same girl under the same skin I've been in for years. The fear still taunts me every now and again, and when it appears all bets are off. I simply want peace. Happiness. An ever after. I would like an "Ever After" please. If there were some way to concoct such spirits I would be the only taker. I'm ready. I'm ready. I am ready NOW!  So as my mind races rounding the next lap, I would like to throw in the towel and call it quits, however; for some strange reason, there is a force "greater than myself" preventing me from doing such a thing.  Ugghh... Trudging...dragging...wishing...hoping...wanting.... There must be an end in sight.