October 31, 2012

It is the eve of all hallowed saints, and what is it that I might be doing? Nothing but sitting in the damn dark. No power here for 3 days and not expecting any until the middle of November. Not too bad to deal with right now. The questions flowing through my mind are scaring me. Should I really just turn and walk away?

October 29, 2012

I have come to the realization that my life will forever remain the same. No change, no change! I am beginning to hate my life more with each passing moment. So much that I want to say, so much I want to share. I continuously dodge obstacles to get ahead and yet I still find the walls that I put up in place. These bricks that I have hand picked and strategically placed to avoid pain and discomfort, hurt and heartache are weakening and I haven't much shelter from the storm left to hide behind. What shall I do, where can I go in order to protect myself? How much more devastation must I encounter before the roadblocks have been cleared from the path that I alone am traveling, because it is alone that I am and forever will remain. punishment for things I have said or done I presume. I know I should let go, however; letting go I've heard is the hardest part. what if... I don't want to let go? What if..I won't ever want to let go? I can still move forward! I wish I had the strength to say what it is that I truly feel when I look into your eyes. I see what I want in them. It speaks to me as well. I suppose 'FEAR' prevents me from me from speaking. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!

No one will ever know, the pain I feel inside...

There's this girl in the mirror, I wonder who she is. Sometimes I think I know her and sometimes I wish I did.  There is a story in her eyes, lullabies, and goodbye.  When she's looking back at me I can tell...she's hurting inside.

It's getting colder now and the darkness consumes me.  Depression is slowly creeping up.  Maybe one day you'll actually care about me.

Never underestimate the pain of a person because the truth is everyone is struggling.  It's just some people hide it better than others.

She smiles with all that she has left, yet tears are left un-dried.   And though she's got so much to say, she bottles it up inside.  If you look past her broken eyes to a shadow no one sees, a disguise so you won't recognize, the girl is really me...

There's nothing more depressing than having it all and still feeling sad.

I'm tired of being nice to people who don't give a shit about me.

I'm just a fucked up girl living in a fucked up life in a fucked up world. 

Welcome to where being me is -*Never Enough*-

Sometimes the pain's too strong to bare...and life gets so hard you just don't care.  You feel so alone you just sit and cry...every second you wish you could die.  Then you start thinking who would care...if one day they woke up-and you weren't there.

I could go on with my day and act like everything is okay.  But as my life goes on it hurts more in every way.

She can't hide no matter how hard she tries, her secret disguised behind the lies.  And at night she cries away her pride, with eyes shut tight staring at her inside.  All her friends know why she can't sleep at night, all her family asking is she alright.  All she wants to do is get rid of this hell, well all she's got to do is stop kiddin herself.  She can only fool herself for so long...

You'll just never know...soo many emotions I choose not to show..

Know what it's like to want to die.  How it hurts to smile.  How you try to fit in but you can't.  How you hurt yourself on the outside, to try to kill the pain on the inside.

I see the blood all over your hands.  Does it make you feel more like a man?  Was it all just a part of your plan?  The pistol's shaking in my hands...and all i hear is the sound...

I've been weak and I've been strong.  I've been thru the fire and I've been thru the storm.  Try to do right and I know I do wrong.  Just be happy for me when my life is gone.  Cause with no more hurt and no more tears, there will be no more pain and no more fears.  No more people in my face that are not sincere.  So smile for me when I'm no longer here.

Just because her eyes don't tear doesn't mean her heart doesn't cry.  And just because she comes off strong, doesn't mean there's nothing wrong.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.  I don't know what I wanna see.  My world use to be worth living for, and now it's hard enough just to be me. 

I'm not afraid of the gun in my hand, I'm not afraid of dying, I'm just afraid of the pain it will bring, and to see my best friends crying.

I'm going to smile...and make you think I'm happy...I'm going to laugh...so you don't see me cry...and even if it kills...I'm going to smile.

I'm screwing up every little good thing I ever try to do.  I was born to lose.

October 24, 2012

Enough is enough!  I haven't a tear left to shed.  I feel them welling up inside, yet nothing flows from my eyes.  How can this be?  Do I not possess the ability to show emotion of this sort?  Have the ducts dried up?  Countless hours I have spent sobbing, and counting the tear drops as they stream down my cheeks, past my lips and into oblivion.  I have given each and everyone of them a name.  They have all served their purpose and now I am left with nothing.  An abyss of sorts, lonely and dark. I shiver from the dampness and the cold latches on.  My heart is pounding!  It's something far greater than anything I have ever experienced.  An alarming calmness has taken control and I am afraid.  Still my heart is beating faster, I can hear it.  Have I finally had enough of disappointment?  I know that I have not reached my plateau for I see nothing but obstacles in my way.  Perhaps it's the angle that is obscuring my vision, however; things haven't been more evident than they are right at this very moment in time.  Right here, Right now, I see you, I see me, I see things clearly; not for what I want them to be, for what they are.  All of this time that I have wasted...

October 23, 2012

I wonder...are impulsive, thoughtless, spontaneous decisions easier than the carefully dissected, thought-out ones? Do I needlessly set myself up for a fall? If so, why am I willing to risk losing what I have, and for that matter, what is it exactly that I "HAVE"? I thought not so long ago, that I knew for certain what direction I was heading, and now; well, I'm lost. Perhaps misguided, misdirected by another. Did I trap myself or did I allow another to lead me on to believe... I haven't an answer for any of these questions, if in fact they are questions at all. For once...just once, I would like someone other than myself to take the lead, to guide me in a direction, down a path, that hasn't any hills, obstacles, even puddles. I need a smooth transition into this life that I am embarking upon. No more needless climbing, and plunging, no more heart ache, or heart breaks, no more crying, wishing, wanting, waiting...NO MORE WAITING! If ever there has been a moment in my life that I have been ready to take steps in the "forward" direction, the time is now, and as they say, "time is of the essence". The clock doesn't stop ticking, so it's quite obvious that time does not stand still. I'm not certain whether I am aging gracefully or gracefully aging... I still see that same girl under the same skin I've been in for years. The fear still taunts me every now and again, and when it appears all bets are off. I simply want peace. Happiness. An ever after. I would like an "Ever After" please. If there were some way to concoct such spirits I would be the only taker. I'm ready. I'm ready. I am ready NOW!  So as my mind races rounding the next lap, I would like to throw in the towel and call it quits, however; for some strange reason, there is a force "greater than myself" preventing me from doing such a thing.  Ugghh... Trudging...dragging...wishing...hoping...wanting.... There must be an end in sight.

October 20, 2012

Feeling very much lost and alone, while trying to find my way.

October 19, 2012

Why must I continuously fool myself?

October 5, 2012

Here comes that thrown overboard without a life preserver, sinking feeling AGAIN! UGH

The Hardest Part

They say repetitively that the "hardest part is letting go", however; they fail to inform you of what it is that is so hard to let go. Let go of fear? Let go of hope? Let go of pride? Let go of what exactly? I have come to my own conclusions as to what it is for me that is hardest to let go of. Letting go of myself, allowing another to come in completely and discover all that is good and perhaps all that is not good, letting go of my fears of being betrayed, let down, disappointed, rejected, neglected, letting go of all that I have known to start a new. A new day perhaps? I can not say for certain. I am terrified at this very moment of letting go of anything that has defined who I have become today. I know that it is essential in becoming who I am meant to be, but that fucking fear stands tall and all empowering before me, causing me to tremble as I always do. I cry at the mere thought of letting go of anything. It's as if I have to pack away in boxes memories of my past, good, bad or indifferent in order to move forward. I want to, I need to in order to salvage what ever it is that is left of ME. Should I be labeling each box with it's contents for later references or should I leave them unmarked so as not to dare dig deep through their contents. I figured at this point in time in my life I would have some resolution, things would be crystal clear, yet I stumble daily, moment by moment for clarity as to what I need to be doing next. Of course my days are laid out before me, with work and caring for teenagers, although there is still that emptiness that screams to be filled. I hear the words I so long to hear, yet they don't embrace me. I have become numb to their meaning, if anything is meant by them. I know...I know..."THE HARDEST PART, IS LETTING GO".

SOMETIMES...

SOMETIMES...You need to step outside. Get some air, and remind yourself of who you are and who you want to be. SOMETIMES... You have to try not to care, no matter how much you do. Because, sometimes, you mean nothing to someone who means everything to you. SOMETIMES... We have to fight for what we love and care about. But sometimes, we have to find the strength to let it go. SOMETIMES... When I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say, "I KNOW YOU'RE NOT". SOMETIMES... God doesn't give you what you think you want, not because you don't deserve it, but because you deserve better. SOMETIMES... All you can do is not think. Not wonder. Not obsess. Not imagine. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best. SOMETIMES... You just can't tell anybody how you really feel. Not because you don't know your purpose, not because you don't trust them, but because you can't find the right words to make them understand. SOMETIMES... It takes a good fall to really know where you stand. SOMETIMES... We put up walls, not to keep people out, but to see who actually cares enough to break them down.