October 27, 2011

So, I've reached my breaking point once again.  It came and went so abruptly this time, thank God.  I haven't the strength to endure the ups and downs any longer, it's taking it's toll on me like never before, and the repercussions will be devastating if I don't control this SHIT.  I haven't had regrets until now, and they aren't many, however they are right there in front of my face.  How do I recover from this?  What steps must I take in order to prevent further damage?  What the fuck is wrong with me? Am I once again being the saboteur, why is it that I cannot just accept being happy? Why must I throw a monkey wrench in all that is good?  Am I crucifying myself, and if so why?  WHY? WHY? WHY? I'm being devoured by my own mind.  It's quick sand, and I gasping for one last breathe, yet I can't seem to let anyone close enough to help me out, so the anger, fear, and the complete frustration take hold and squeeze until I can no longer see what's right in front of me.  My heart pounds, I can feel it coming out of my own chest, my head spins uncontrollably, my breathe is short and heavy, I need to escape my own thoughts before they become my demise. 

October 26, 2011

The angst is most overwhelming right at this very moment, an uncontrollable urge to scream.  Not to sound ungrateful because I am by no means ungrateful at this very moment in time.  Apprehensive?  HELL YES!

Warrior Woman Has Fully Awoken!

This woman has been kind, gentle,

and has much love,

All of this has been given with

the blessing of the Great Spirit above,

But Great Spirit gave her something

else and she didn't know it...

The Great Spirit gave her

the blessing of being a warrior woman

as now her light is lit!

This warrior woman has come

fully alive TODAY,

She is no longer anyone's slave or prey,

She is taking back her life today,

And those who know who she truly is,

can stay.

No longer will she live the lives of others,

She will give back the blames and responsibilities of others

where it belongs,

For she also has the bear and wolf inside her,

which is now so very powerful

and uniquely strong.

The warrior woman now knows what road she must follow,

For others it will be to hard to swallow.

Her life was taken from her unknowingly many years ago,

And this warrior woman is taking back her life before the next winds blow.

Oh Sister Moon you give me the strength

as a warrior woman to conquer what's on my path,

high above and way beneath,

and the much needed strength to take on the wrath.

This warrior woman is fully awakened and is taking a stand,

taking the problems by the horns with my hand.

I will conquer all that is there,

all and who comes as they dare.

Warrior woman has fully awoken,

and many will see that they were mistaken

in robbing her of her life.

They as a thief, Warrior woman will conquer

and have no grief!

This warrior woman will protect her people, her son,

and those who need her.

If anyone hurts them, look out!

They will hear a GGGGGGRRRRRRRRR,

As they run and shout!

This warrior woman is taking back her life,

taking back the respect that was taken from her

throughout the years ever so slow.

This warrior woman is removing pain and hurt from within the heart

caused by the knife,

from all those who are both family and foe.

I am claiming what's mine, and my dignity,

From those who live in this society of vanity.

I am claiming back in full my heritage.

And as a warrior woman, I am going to clean up

many years of carnage.

For now standing in front of you,

you see this warrior woman... you see me.

Someone special has taught me to be free,

From this day forward for me no more slavery...

Gentleness, kindness, and love is part of me, and so is my dignity.

This is NOT WEAKNESS, as others believe.

But this strength is within me and within you.

I will listen to the spirits and grow,

I will travel in the whispering winds as they blow.

All the work I now do will be for Our People and all nations,

I will protect and guide the future generations.

Now it is time for me to travel on my new path,

As a warrior woman conquering all wrath.

If you ever see and want to meet me,

Please come, and I will also teach and share with you how to be free.

The Empowered Woman by Sonny Carroll

The Empowered Woman, she moves through the world

with a sense of confidence and grace.

Her once reckless spirit now tempered by wisdom.

Quietly, yet firmly, she speaks her truth without doubt or  hesitation

and the life she leads is of her own creation.

She now understands what it means to live and let live.

How much to ask for herself and how much to give.

She has a strong, yet generous heart

and the inner beauty she emanates truly sets her apart.

Like the mythical Phoenix,

she has risen from the ashes and soared to a new plane of existence,

unfettered by the things that once that posed such resistance.

Her senses now heightened, she sees everything so clearly.

She hears the wind rustling through the trees;

beckoning her to live the dreams she holds so dearly.

She feels the softness of her hands

and muses at the strength that they possess.

Her needs and desires she has learned to express.

She has tasted the bitter and savored the sweet fruits of life,

overcome adversity and pushed past heartache and strife.

And the one thing she never understood,

she now knows to be true,

it all begins and ends with you.

October 10, 2011

Love is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or rude. Love isn't selfish or quick tempered. It doesn't keep a record of wrongs that others do. Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil. Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting. Love never fails!

Two Wolves - A Cherokee Parable

An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life...

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

"One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.

"The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

"This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
"Which wolf will win?"
The old chief simply replied, "The one you feed."

The Gentleman

Gentleman: (1) a civilized, educated, sensitive, or well mannered man.
Up front, I need to state that there are two kinds of "gentlemen." The surface Gentleman, and the real Gentleman.

(1) --- The surface Gentleman. He puts on a good show on his surface. He pretends to be a Gentleman, and likely believes he is. He has mastered the outward signs of a typical real Gentleman. He dresses in style, well, and appropriately. He has learned etiquette quite well. He follows the protocols of social interchange between people of quality. He says the right things at the right times. He will even do good things for people.

But the surface Gentleman is a phony. He is self-centered. He is not honest in his dealings. He is not sensitive to the needs of others, or how his actions may harm them. He will have fun at your expense (ill-mannered). If it suits his need or purpose, he will stab you in the back! He will speak of you or others in a demeaning or hurtful way; sometimes to their face, but usually behind their backs. He may well cheat you or others.

(2) For the real Gentleman, it is much more important to meet the fundamentals of being a real Gentlemen. Surface appearance is only secondary.

Don't be fooled by the outward appearance of a person. Look underneath. Ask "Does this person always act in the fundamentally decent ways expected of a true Gentleman?" A person who at first appears to be a Gentleman, may turn out to be an evil villain, while the "hobo" you meet, might be a true Gentleman. The great comedian and social commentator Red Skelton showed us that a hobo could be the highest quality Gentleman!

I would much rather associate with a true Gentleman who is just a plain guy on the outside, than with a man who appears on the outside to be a Gentleman, but on the inside is a selfish and mean person. In fact, my best friend ever, was a rather rough and poorly educated man on the outside, but a true Gentleman on the inside.

Revisited.....

I realize the impact I have on others' daily, but not once took into consideration the impact I had on myself and my emotional state of being.  I listen intently to all that others' have to say, and absorb most if not all, then remove what doesn't pertain to me and store the rest allowing it to fester.  Fester indeed!  I allow myself to build a grand explosion of emotion and all at once it erupts and I spew flames and corrosion in every direction not being thoughtful to others at all.  I pay the price as I have always done, and it breaks me down, slowly, until I am once again standing on the edge waiting for that last shove, to throw me overboard.  Why don't I see these things before they appear?  What the FUCK is wrong with me?  I hate myself today.  I frantically made phone calls in order to save my own life earlier, the one person that I needed to talk to the most is unavailable to me.  I am scared to DEATH.  I know he's right there on the other side of that door, waiting for the right moment, when I am at my weakest and throw open the door. He will be waiting with hungry eyes, to devour me as he has done in the past. He is Satan, he will be my demise if I don't learn how to control myself.  I can't allow him to control me.  I need to talk, I need to express no matter the cost.  Why is it that I am always seemingly in the wrong?  Am I sabotaging my own life?  Perhaps I need to say what's on my mind at the very moment any insecurities emerge, prior to speculation of my own doing.  I thought I was able to step beyond the childish behaviors I still, obviously, possess.  Apparently not.  I am an alcoholic and am work in progress.  I claim progress not  PERFECTION.  I don't want perfection either.  I've been drinking and abusing myself for a long time, and ridding myself of old behaviors isn't going to take place in less than a fucking year.  I have to continue to remind myself that this too shall pass.  Fuck I hate those cliches, but they work.  They are somehow soothing actually.  I'm pissed, I feel misunderstood, rejected, neglected, alone, afraid, angry, selfish, shit I'm a ball of fricken emotion.  Damn it.  Why can't I just be fucking HAPPY?  Why do I have to be me, can't someone else be me?  I'm confused damn.  Love... is it just a word to be thrown around?  I thought it was a feeling, a sense of security, knowing no matter what you can be you, or I can be me.  I can confide, and trust, kick and scream, cry uncontrollably and still be loved.  A bond not to be taken lightly. Penguins know love...they mate for life.  It's beautiful knowing that.  The pebble and the penguin, how wonderful a thought, that your mate would search the seas over for that perfect pebble and present it to you, and upon acceptance you are one, for all eternity.  What a crock of shit when it comes to us though.  It's a wonderful thought, while it lasts.  I want that kind of love, I have that, I need that.  I need compassion, and understanding, a shoulder to cry on, someone to hold me down when I feel all hope is gone.  I don't want a fairy tale, I want to write my own.  Can't you see?  I am just a girl, scared, confused standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her, with all of her imperfections, not to be ignored, nor neglected..

October 5, 2011

It's a burning desire for sure, or so they say.  I should let things "unfold" as they may, however; I want to know what, how, why, when and where.  It's all a matter of putting my life into perspective, and knowing these things helps me along the way.  I have direction when I am made aware of the hows' and whys' of every situation, everything can be put into place and dealt with equally. Equality is the fucking key word here, without it there is nothing to hang on to.  Common courtesy I expect without reservation.  It's not an option and if it's too difficult to digest than so be it. I can go on tirades if I want to, especially when I FEEL I'm being done wrong or indifferent, I don't expect the world to be handed to me, but there are guidelines as old as the sun, after all it and they existed long before you and I. Am I embarrassed?  FUCK NO I AM NOT!  I say what needs to be said and perhaps sometimes more than necessary.  Do I regret?  NOPE NOT THAT EITHER. Does the need supersede the want?  Perhaps in more ways than one, however; I feel that I am deserving of the utmost of respect.  I should have what I need and then some.  I bust my ass at a dead end job (I love what I do) for what?  Solitude is all I ever wanted, peace and harmony, perhaps I'm looking in all the wrong places for such things, I thought I was embarking on something so great and so wonderful that I would never have that empty feeling come over me again, but it's there.  It lingers in the corners of my soul. I have dealt with the emotional abuse, the fucking lies, the betrayal, all of it, and I no longer possess the ability to endure that kind of fucking bullshit. If I need to elaborate on this then I most certainly will, GOD knows I am long winded and argumentative as I've been told.  What will it take for others' to understand that my need to be emotionally attached is greater than all else, and that I NEED and I DESIRE another who will be available to me.  I've been witness to my own emotional wreckage, it creeps up on me as it loves to do, and takes complete hold of every other emotion involved, there is no controlling it, if there were I would.  I have outbursts, I am crazy, impulsive, reckless (sometimes) I fly off the handle, say things that I should otherwise keep to myself and then I cowar, isolate, cry, take tantrums, it's all part of who I am.  For those of you who need to know it is normal to lose complete control of ones' self every so often.  It does not happen as frequently as it has in the past, I've gained some momentum and have been dealing with life on life's' terms unbeknownst to some who just look past all the blocks I have overcome.  Stop shutting down and blocking me out, it will only push me away.  An ideals list HA, or BAH HUMBUG rather. I have edited my ideals in the realization that if I want certain qualities to be present I must be willing to practice them myself and become who I seek and want in another.  So I work on that list daily for myself in hopes that I will overcome any and/all that ails my mind and my soul.  I hope that this brings some clarity to those who read my blog.  Just for clarity this helps me deal with me, not you or you or even you, just me.  Shows me where and when I go wrong and how often I do and don't.

October 4, 2011

Harvest moon?  Crisp leaves?  Cool winds and the change of seasons along with a change of heart!  I stand and watch the winds of change, and wonder when it will be my turn, my chance to flow lovingly with the leaves as they flutter to the ground waiting in anticipation for the frigid air to bring the frosty snow and bury them.  Hidden from sight, they sit dormant, waiting for spring so that they can continue their life cycle as they become one with the Earth, molding into the ground in hopes that new life will emerge.  Somewhat like myself, waiting for one cycle to end so that a new will emerge, it's a never ending story once again.  I continuously hold my head high in hopes that I feel deserving of true love, yet somehow I seem to fall to my knees in absolute dispair feeling less than worthy of anyone or anything.  Is it all my own doing?  I think fucking not.  I may be negative and dwell on the past, but for fuck sake, what the fuck?  I am sick and fucking tired of not getting what I want or need!  I am tired of settling and refuse to do so.  I am fucking hurting right now and it's all my own damn fault.  I'm immature, I'm unrealistic, I'm the one in the wrong, I'm my own worst enemy and I fucking know this.  What's next?  I'm fucking delusional, my thinking is fucking warped?  How's this, I think clear as fucking day now, not clouded.  I don't have some asshole telling me I'm wrong, or that my own thoughts aren't valid, or do I?  Hmmmm  It's all there, the back of my fucking head, holding me fucking hostage, why the fuck .