September 21, 2011

I have such a raging yearning to escape myself almost daily, that it overwhelms my every breathe.  How do I maintain my peace of mind throughout the course of another 'ordinary' day without losing control of myself, and feeding into the negativity that surrounds me?  I'm not saying that I surround myself with negativity, but yet am surrounded by such.  Do I attract the negative and disregard the positive?  I don't believe so.  I was beginning to think that my life was on a path unknown to me.  Once clouded not with negative thoughts but hopes and dreams, yet there is always that trickle of rage that attacks my soul and releases itself instantaneously.  Then again is it rage or something else I refuse to acknowledge, or have I acknowledged it and have no idea how to deal with it? Okay I do know how, but should I have to indulge others' in doing so?  I think fucking not.  I can own it, and I can be insecure, jealous, neurotic, eccentric, compassionate, loving, somewhat trusting, it's all a  part of my 'make~up'.  I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, loving exactly who I'm supposed to be loving, living life exactly how I'm supposed to be living it, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!

September 13, 2011

Days are ticking by, sometimes slowly sometimes so fast my head seems to spin.  I'm not sure what to make of it most days and then there are those few moments of clarity. Not always crystal clear, but seemingly clear enough for me to catch a glimpse. In that one instant I see clearly then the fog rolls in and I'm just as confused as I was hours before.  Sometimes I confuse the hell out of myself.  I feel as though I can't make sense of the simplest of things.  I take things out of proportion and run like the wind with them.  Then it strikes again, it's clear, clear as the nose on my face clear.I haven't a clue what point I'm trying to make other than just expression through confusion.  I am confused, daily.

Life after Death...

I know death, I've tasted death, that duldrum I thought once to be life, turned out to be death.  I walked in the darkness, without direction, drinking my life away.  I had no purpose and wanted to kiss deaths' lips, to taste everlasting darkness for my own. I thought I was living life, but life was only passing me by, as I fear it does to this day on occassion, when I can't see past the end of my own nose. Death comes in many shapes and forms, and has many names, and death will meet his own demise, in his own time on his own terms.  I am no longer your scapegoat, nor have I ever truly been. 

Life...I am living life for I am in it, right here, right now.  I have a mind of my own, and am able to express myself freely and openly without reservation.  I don't hesitate to tell you constantly how you have changed my life, my world for that matter.  All that I have all that I possess, is nothing in comparison to the love that has healed this sick and suffering soul.  I had no soul, I was empty, I hated, I didn't know what love was.  Then, suddenly, I opened one eye and peered into a crowded room and saw, for the first time in my life I was able to see, without restrictions, I knew without a single doubtful thought passing through my mind that I would grow to love you, like none other has ever loved. I am loving life, with all of it's struggles and each mountain I ascend towards I know that on the other side you will be there.

September 11,2011

I suppose I should stop being so selfish (hahahahahahaha) and focus on the needs of others' more often, perhaps then I'd have a better understanding of 'LIFE". Being selfless is so much more rewarding or so they say.  WAIT A MINUTE!  I am selfless. I do in deed do for others' constantly.  FUCK!  What a mess of my life I've created huh?  I've been cleaning it up or so I thought little by little, and it seemed spotless, however it's been pointed out to me that I have tons of garbage that need disposing of.  If you can see it then your too fucking close.  Back the fuck off, let me clean because I don't want remnants of any sort left behind.  Mistakes?  Yes, I have made my fair share, doesn't mean I need to be punished constantly for them.  DAMN!  Enough already.  My rock is calling me so I am going to be there until the Earth settles.  I'm safe, can't say or do the wrong things, won't hurt another soul, so...YEAH...if anyone decides they NEED me that's where I'll be.  ALONE and AFRAID!  I've been alone long enough....FUCK!  I am the one standing in the crowded room, screaming on the top of my lungs, and no one hears my screams.  Why is that?  Do I not appeal to anyone?  Am I that horrible of a person?  WHY?  Why GOD?  I've been threw this before, not too long ago.  I need some answers, and I need them soon, before it's too late.   Is it me?  Damn it, I just want to love you, and shower you with affection.  Is that wrong of me. I need to feel wanted...not told that I am...Shown that I am needed....not
told that I am needed...am I being selfish in that as well? Am I not worthy, is that what it is?  Am I just talking to hear myself talk?  I'm so frustrated I can't do this anymore. While I'm on the subject, why don't I just shut my effin mouth, and leave well enough alone.  Life on lifes' terms...HA I love you, I loved you before I met you, this I know.

September 10, 2011

     It seems to be that when I make plans they are not important  because of something or another, not on my behalf.  Am I supposed to be okay with this or should I take it personally as I have done in the past?  Why must I put off what I want and need for others' constantly. Do my feelings not matter.  I do have feelings to ya know.  Oh, wait they are INSIGNIFICANT.  As insignificant as I am in the realm of all things great and small.  I try to do the next "RIGHT THING" but to no avail, come up with fists clenched, and when I open them they are empty, empty as always.  I put my life on the line, in hopes.  In hopes of what?  Just hope.  I have no strength left, courage is just another word, I can't continue like this.  I need to feel apart of life, not an outsider, or rather a player benched for the entire season.  I need communication, I need, I need, YES I NEED TOO. It will kill me, I feel the breathe on my neck and it's calling me, I can smell it's venom. It's powerful, deadly venom.  I have to keep myself busy, so fucking busy, get those thoughts out of my mind. 

     I've tried everything in my power to connect and nothing....I feel like a fucking failure in every facet of my lfe.  I'm not good for anyone.  I try to understand, I try to do the best I can and in return expect NOTHING.  I crave for so much yet set aside all of those cravings for others' as I've done.  I refuse to be left on the bench wondering what the game is all about.  I love with all of my heart today, yesterday and tomorrow.  I want my future to be filled with love, yet I am outcast.  I just don't understand, I can't come to grips with any of this.  I ask, and ask, I try to make myself available for others' constantly and yet I AM ALONE.  YES!  It is all about me.  I am scared to fucking death right now.

September7, 2011

     With hands clenched we shared our inner most fears and frustrations.  Never before would I have been able to tolerate let alone handle such truths.  I am growing, finally and I feel my own growth. It's as if my roots have been uplifted and I am able to move about and bear the fruit I have always dreamed of.  The past may have scarred me, but I will not lay victim today.  I am an empowered woman today not only because I was able to turn and walk away, but because I have the most beautiful people in my life.  I am continuously learning about myself and others'. 

     I now know what triggers' fits of rage, uncontrollable fits of rage.  I have to ask GOD to remove my thoughts at once otherwise all HELL is going to break lose, and I will wreak havoc on all, even the undeserving.  Although there are some whom I deem very well deserving of such rage, I have to remember that they too are sick fucking people and pray for them as well.  I have to pray for them?  FUCK!!!!!  I have to pray for those sick fucks?  God does work in mysterious ways that's a given.

     Now that, that has passed and I am re-centered I can think clearly once again.  Why can't I stay focused?  Why does my mind wander?  Why can't I just let people think what they will, and leave it at that?  Why do I always feel I'm the one being judged by others'?  WHAT THE FUCK!  I am NOT centered at ALL.  Breathing, breathing, still breathing, deep breathes, and it's not fucking working.  DAMN IT. What is it going to take today?  I need out of myself that's exactly what it is.  I need to get away from people, places and most definitely THINGS.  Things being those effin people and places.  I need to relocate myself not only figuratively but literally.  Pack up my shit and move.  Yea I know I'll be bringing myself with me, but I will not be bringing you, you or YOU with me.  Whewww... Still breathing deep breathes here. I think I've exhausted my inner resources.  My thoughts are scattered more than ever before, I can't make sense of them.  What the hell do I have to do?  UGHHHH!!!!!!   I am utterly frustrated, beyond frustrated, exasperated, spent, irritated all of 'em.  YES!  I am on the verge here folks.  Perhaps I can talk myself down from this infuriating high I've created all on my very own.  Deep breathe in....hold it.................deep breathe out.  AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN.  The shaking has subsided, and my breathing back to normal or close to it.   I wear myself out physically with this shit.  Thank you GOD! Thank you for giving me back a small amount of that strength, I needed that.  Thank you for allowing me the gift of gab in order to vent.  Thank you for allowing me to breathe those few breathes in order to recenter myself.  Thank you GOD for the man in my life.

September 6, 2011

Well you can tell ev'ryone I'm a down disgrace

Drag my name all over the place.

I don't care anymore.

You can tell ev'rybody 'bout the state I'm in

You won't catch me crying 'cos I just can't win.

I don't care anymore I don't care anymore

I don't care what you say

I don't play the same games you play.

'Cos I've been talking to the people that you call your friends

And it seems to me there's a means to and end.

They don't care anymore.

And as for me I can sit here and bide my time

I got nothing to lose if I speak my mind.

I don't care anymore I don't care no more

I don't care what you say

We never played by the same rules anyway.

I won't be there anymore

Get out of my way

Let me by

I got better things to do with my time

I don't care anymore I don't care anymore

I don't care anymore I don't care anymore

Well, I don't care now what you say

'Cos ev'ry day I'm feeling fine with myself

And I don't care now what you say

Hey I'll do alright by myself

'Cos I know.

'Cos I remember all the times I tried so hard

And you laughed in my face 'cos you held all the cards.

I don't care anymore.

And I really ain't bothered what you think of me

'Cos all I want of you is just a let me be.

I don't care anymore D'you hear? I don't care no more

I don't care what you say

I never did believe you much anyway.

I won't be there no more

So get out of my way.

Let me by

I got better things to do with my time

I don't care anymore

D'you hear? I don't care anymore

I don't care no more

You listening? I don't care no more

No more!

You know I don't care no more!