March 11, 2011

If not for anything else but absolute peace of mind, I need to sit back, reevaluate my life, my motives, my hopes and dreams for my future.  How is it that, the small child that once lived inside of my mind and consumed me, disappeared for what seems like a lifetime, suddenly presents herself, in the form of a grown woman?  Oddly enough I have become that small child all over again.  The fears I thought were gone are standing in front of me staring with darting eyes, wondering when I will finally let go.  I can't answer you now, not yet, I'm not ready, I thought I was but I'm not.  I'm scared, not just frightened but genuinely scared to death almost.  I've regained consciousness but am not able to envision my future, I am by all means living in the moment, every moment.  I have no other choice, there aren't any directions, no hand books, manuals, instructional videos for me to follow either, it's life I suppose in it's rawest form.  I don't believe I would trade my life right now for that of any other.  Feelings are arising and they are unfamiliar to me, it's all surreal, and confusing at the same time.  I have made mistakes in the past, and I'll be damned if I repeat one of them.  I do realize that my children have suffered greatly but haven't if that makes much sense, my mistakes are just that MINE, I take full ownership of them, and in doing so have made a promise to NEVER make the same ones' again.  Why is it that I am expected to do for other's when I need just as much help as they do, is it not obvious, do I not scream or cry loud enough, what am I not conveying to them?  The big picture?  Hello, I've been asking maybe not outright, but I have, I've crawled, scraped my knees, my knuckles are worn, I can't do this alone either.